Whether you sailed through your teenaged years, or whether it was an emotional minefield, one thing is certain; every generation faces a new set of obstacles to negotiate and even though the process of growing up is the same as it ever was, the challenges our young people face today appears more complex than ever.
The sometimes turbulent progression between childhood and adulthood now seems to last way beyond those “teen” years, with young people often requiring support and guidance into their mid-twenties. But this presents its own problems for parents, who might still feel like they’re playing catch–up with new technologies, new ways of communicating and new ideas about how to live your life.
With all of this going on it’s easy for young people to find themselves overwhelmed in a world which places so many demands upon them.
If a child has positive self-esteem, they will have an innate confidence about themselves and believe they can succeed even when things get a bit tough. However, it’s a much different story when a young person suffers from low-self esteem. They may struggle at school, find it difficult to make or keep friends and generally see life through a negative lens that colours all of their choices and can affect how they live their adult lives.
So, as a parent, how do you know if your teen is struggling? Well most children have peaks and troughs in their confidence levels as they face the ups and downs life inevitably throws at them.
Those teen years are a steep learning curve, filled with emotional and physical changes, which their “still under construction” brains have to try and negotiate and learn from. Most parents are aware that these can be difficult years, but with our young people communicating in new ways through social media, it can make it far more difficult to keep track of what’s going on in your child’s life.
Learning to spot if there is an ongoing problem is crucial if you’re going to be able to support them through it.
Maintaining communication with your teen is the most effective way to ensure that you’re in touch with what’s going on. This is not always easy, as its often needed most at a time in their life when they are looking to develop greater independence and test boundaries, making their emotions (and yours) potentially far more volatile.
Remembering you’re the adult in the situation and taking a step back if they seem intent on provoking you can help to diffuse conflict if it arises.
Using open non-judgmental questions that allow them the space to talk about how they feel in particular situations and reaffirming your unconditional love for them regularly, will also help to provide strong foundations of trust and respect that will catch them if they stumble sometimes.
Becoming increasingly socially withdrawn, using negative “I am” statements about themselves, apologising constantly, craving attention in negative ways or struggling to make or keep friends are all signs that your child might have low self-esteem issues.
As a parent there are so many ways you can help them to build confidence and resilience. Making sure you have clear rules and expectations, helps them to understand where they fit in and what’s expected of them. Giving them certain reasonable responsibilities to fulfil in the home and consequences for not doing so, creates a clear structure for them to follow and gives them the opportunity to step-up and understand the value of contributing to the whole. Catch them ‘being good’ and praise them regularly.
Praise should always be sincere and earned as “fake” praise leaves kids unsure of when they are actually doing something well. Try to stay on top of what’s going on in their lives by devoting quality time to listening to them.
Feeling that you’re being listened to and that your feelings are being taken into account, adds a sense of worth to any human and is no different for teenagers! Of course, there will be times when you have to criticise your child, but be aware that this should be done constructively.
Using the “sandwich” method can help. Focus on their strengths first, make sure they know you are aware of them, criticise something which you didn’t feel matched up to this and then round it off with some advice about how to do it better next time.
The teen years can throw up challenges that really test your parental mettle, but keep talking, be vigilant when it comes to the signs that things might not be quite right, have high expectations, but don’t make them so high they feel unachievable and try to stay on top of the ways your child communicates with others. It might not be plain sailing, but if they become resilient and relatively happy adults, able to roll with the punches and enjoy the good times, you’ll be able to pat yourself on the back for doing a good job!
About the writer
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Russell Hemmings is a renowned cognitive |
