Is it love or kindness? 5 key signs you're settling for the bare minimum and how to avoid pitfalls

Oh, but he dropped me home after dinner?

She asked about my parents. That’s really sweet of her.

Sure, these are thoughtful gestures, but too often, people mistake basic kindness for deep connection. In the excitement, they overlook that genuine love demands more than just polite courtesies. These gestures aren’t yet the benchmark for whether your relationship can evolve into deeper realms of understanding and the vulnerability that true connection requires. For instance, Elisabeth Townsend, a Dubai-based marriage counsellor, reveals from her earlier days that she was always charmed by ‘nice and polite’ people. “I fell in love so quickly, only to realise that we aren’t compatible at all,” she chuckles.

As she says, a person must be good-hearted for sure, but what really matters is, are they good enough for you? “Relationships of all kinds, are about connection. It’s about something that grows, develops over time with effort. So, while kind and sweet gestures are wonderful, they shouldn’t be confused with the depth that real love nurtures. Don’t keep the bar low,” she advises. “I’ve had people tell me, that ‘oh they were so sweet, they took me to the doctor’. I mean, if they didn’t do that, that’s a real red flag right there.”

So, how do you know if someone is good for you?

 A sense of shared reality

What’s important is whether both of you share a common reality, even if your character traits differ. Townsend explains, rather than simply agreeing on facts, it’s important that both of you perceive the world through a similar lens, drawing similar conclusions and understanding life’s events in the same way. When you truly share a reality with your partner, their thoughts and feelings resonate with your own, creating a sense of stability and meaning that strengthens your connection and makes the world feel more predictable.

It goes beyond shared interests of films, books or passions: It’s about the intrinsic beliefs you hold. Townsend adds, “So, if they don’t like the same film that you do, that’s fine. What matters is how you both perceive major life events, social issues, and everyday experiences. If your political views, emotional responses, or sense of right and wrong differ significantly, you might feel as though you’re living in separate worlds. The same events may unfold around you, but your wildly different interpretations can create tension and make it difficult to connect.”

Essentially: Do their thoughts and feelings resonate with yours? When you share emotional experiences and understand each other’s emotional needs, it deepens the relationship.

This idea is at the heart of research by M. Catalina Enestrom, lead author of a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. As she shared in an interview with PsyPost, “I’ve always believed that one of the core purposes of our relationships is to help us make sense of the world.”

Going beyond the bare minimum

They’ll take you to the hospital when you’re unwell, check in on your parents, offer to split the bill, drop you home, and even surprise you with thoughtful birthday gifts. These gestures certainly strengthen a relationship and deserve appreciation. But it’s worth reflecting on how they act in other circumstances.

 Soundarya Ramesh, a Dubai-based homemaker, shares her experience of moments where she felt like her partner was merely ticking off items on a checklist. “You have to pay attention to the feeling behind small actions,” she says. “It’s not always about grand gestures; it’s the little things that matter. How they seamlessly become a part of your daily life, how they know your routines, that’s what really counts.”

Moreover, a healthy relationship should never feel transactional. If you’re always the one initiating plans, making compromises, or adjusting your needs to accommodate your partner’s lack of effort, it’s time to ask: Is this truly a balanced partnership? Real relationships thrive on mutual investment, not just one-sided efforts or occasional acts of kindness when things get tough. “Good times, bad times, and everything in between, it all counts,” Ramesh concludes.

Respect for boundaries:

Connie Hall, a London-based relationship coach, emphasises the importance of setting clear boundaries. “It’s easy to get swept off our feet by sweetness, care, and the notion of protectiveness,” she explains. “But the lines can blur quickly, and before you know it, you might feel restricted or worried that you're doing something wrong that could upset them, even if it’s something for your own well-being. It’s crucial to maintain your personal space, and to ensure that your partner respects theirs too, without crossing any boundaries. These subtle shifts happen over time, and often, people feel uncomfortable pointing them out, eventually settling with the excuse, ‘oh, they’re just like that.’ But this can affect you, and it’s not okay.”

Before making a long-term commitment, it's important to ask yourself these essential questions, says Townsend.

What do I truly value in a partner: Take time to reflect on the qualities that matter most to you, whether it’s honesty, empathy, ambition, or something else.

What are my non-negotiables: Are there certain behaviors or traits, such as poor communication or a lack of respect, that you cannot accept? Are there boundaries you need to set in your relationships?

Does this relationship align with my long-term goals: Consider whether your partner’s values, lifestyle, and vision for the future complement your own.

Am I compromising on my needs to make this work:  Think about whether you’re sacrificing what truly matters to you in the hopes that things will improve.

Ultimately, knowing if someone is good for you requires introspection and honesty. It’s not just about finding someone who is ‘nice’ or meets certain expectations—it’s about recognizing a genuine connection that supports your growth as a person.