Why perfectionists are far from perfect

Everything was going well but after just a couple of weeks of working with Ailsa, three of the five volunteers dropped out, blaming their work commitments for their lack of free time.

Eventually, the other volunteers opted out and Ailsa was left on her own to do everything. Surprisingly it was only then that she understood that her attitude to perfectionism was what was causing the team to desert her.

“I asked one of the mums, who had become a good friend, why she was leaving the team and she told me the truth as tactfully as she could. She said it was my perfectionism that bothered the volunteers,” Ailsa says.

“Caught up in my obsession with details, I hadn’t realised the team was getting increasingly frustrated.

Most of us have aspired to be perfectionists at some point in our lives. There’s such a feeling of satisfaction when we do something 100 per cent, and who hasn’t enjoyed it when our children, home, car and office look immaculate and our lives run like clockwork?

“They feel guilty if they are doing nothing, and while they find it impossible to ask for help, they go around in a constant state of self-righteousness, asking why they have to do everything.

“A perfectionist’s life can be driven by fear of not being good enough, a desperate need to control everything out there, because they’re not feeling good on the inside. Being a perfectionist comes at a price. It’s draining and it can make you sick. When we constantly beat ourselves up and tell ourselves that we’re not good enough, we become dispirited, like a small child who tries hard, but only ever hears ‘you could do better’.”

“It may be when you got to school, you were praised for doing a piece of work well and that praise boosted your fragile self-esteem. You learnt that by doing things brilliantly, you’d feel better about yourself. Yet what it also means is you become afraid to make mistakes or fail.

“The way you think about yourself – your self-esteem – becomes linked to your achievements. You may decide to paint your living room grey. A perfectionist will agonise for days, if not weeks, over the shade of grey. Then when the living room is finished, they will focus on the door knob that doesn’t look right and overlook the wonderful decorating they’ve done.

So what can we do if we are perfectionists? How can we break the pattern? “Build up your self-esteem by writing down the good things you’ve done that day, whether that’s a nice conversation with someone or a piece of work you’re proud of,” suggests Jessamy. “You could write down one good thing every day and put the paper in a jar. At the end of the month or year, get them out and read them to yourself.

“Watch the way you speak to yourself – would you follow a friend round all day, calling her the names you call yourself when you’ve made a mistake, or criticising her for the way she did a certain job?

“Be aware of how long jobs are taking and set a time limit or a deadline so you don’t agonise for hours. Question your habits and ask if it’s right you’re staying at work until 11pm three evenings a week. Also, find ways to test your perfectionism – invite a friend round when the house isn’t newly cleaned, or give 90 per cent to a report for work and see if your boss notices.”

Some experts recommend we give our inner critic a name, such as Mrs Nasty, or Dr Negative, to remind ourselves that voice inside us isn’t our voice, and when we hear ourselves thinking something negative, we just say, “Oh go away, Mrs Nasty!” as if we’re talking to someone else.

Finally, remind yourself how impossible it is for people to get close to a perfectionist, who never laughs at their own mistakes, who takes life very seriously and doesn’t share their insecurities with friends so they never really bond with anyone.