cast Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Paul Bettany, Timothy Dalton
director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck
rating TBA
With Angelina Jolie as a femme fatale and Johnny Depp wearing his Jack Sparrow face, chances of sexual tension seem remote. The Tourist is notable for many reasons. Number one is that, following Salt, it's the next step of Angelina Jolie's masterplan to star only in films that have impenetrably generic titles.
Number two is that this is the first time Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp have ever starred in a film together.
Number three is that nobody seems to know what The Tourist actually is. Is it a thriller? A comedy? A romance? Luckily, we can comb through the trailer for The Tourist for some clues...
1) This is a good indication of genre. We're on a train whizzing through Europe, and Angelina Jolie is in full glamour mode. Judging by the surroundings and the look on Angelina's face, The Tourist has got to be a thriller.
2) Or maybe not. Here's Johnny Depp in the same situation - on a train whizzing through Europe - except he's pulling a comic facial expression. So I'll change my vote. The Tourist is a comedy.
3) Except, oh, here's Angelina in a Venetian water taxi, and she has the same mysterious expression as before. Perhaps Johnny Depp was just throwing a curveball. This definitely looks like a thriller.
4) No, wait. Johnny Depp is also still pulling the same funny face as before. Look, I don't care if The Tourist is a comedy or a thriller any more - I'm so confused that it would just be nice to know if Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp were actually even making the same film here.
5) OK, so they definitely were making the same film, but that hardly helps any more.
This is all in black and white now, like a wartime romance. I'm so confused.
6) Right, the decor and technology in this scene proves that The Tourist is absolutely not a wartime romance at all. What's more, Johnny Depp is still pulling a face like a cartoon cow. And he's usually right with his instincts, so if he says it's a comedy then it's a comedy, a fact that will be backed up by ...
7) A murder? A murder involving Steven Berkoff, a fancy drawing room and a length of measuring tape? This wasn't what I expected at all. It's actually quite depressing. Johnny Depp couldn't possibly react to something as profoundly upsetting as the deliberate loss of human life with...
8) Ah, yes he is. It's the same gormless face. Maybe it's stuck. Maybe playing Jack Sparrow four separate times has caused Johnny Depp's face to be stuck permanently in the family-friendly dim-wattage ‘wuh-oh!' expression. Maybe we should be lucky that he doesn't literally dress up like a pirate and fistfight an octopus at any point during the trailer. But still, something should be done to alter this. Angelina, do something to snap him out of this groove.
9) Fine. I was going to suggest clapping your hands or shouting at him, but if you think showing off your curves will do, then go ahead.
10) Oh Angelina, what have you done? Now Johnny Depp has crashed his boat and he'll probably die and we'll never find out what sort of film this is supposed to be. A fat lot of good you are, Angelina. A fat lot of good.
