And the award goes to...

There are awards and then there are awards. Even as things heat up for the big daddy of them all tonight in Los Angeles (early Monday for us in the UAE), this might just be the most predictable Oscar Awards of them all. With the chosen few taking home all the trophies so far and very few else really worthy — aside from the ones that were not even nominated — tabloid! presents to you The tabbies! — the awards that never were.

Best portrayal of insanity — actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Looking for an award? There is an easy way to Oscar stardom: play a deceased real-life person (Ray, The Hours), someone about to die (Dead Man Walking) or someone with an itsy-bitsy mental imbalance. While society as a whole still has difficulty accepting mental illness, it appears film is the perfect medium in which to share the intricacies of insanity in all its forms — think back to 1975's One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, which picked up five awards. Portman's competitive ballerina, Nina, pirouettes around her growing paranoia, closing herself off into a world of physically brutal dance, subtly terrifying mothers (Barbara Hershey doing her best Whatever Happened To Baby Jane) and annoying little upstart dancers who are clearly just trying to stab you in the back. Or does she? The scene that wins her our tabbie! isn't the one everyone else is talking about. It's the bit where she picking on herself (we're supposed to see this as mental abuse too, we're guessing) as she picks and picks and picks at a rather nightmarish hangnail. Ouch.

Best portrayal of insanity — actor: Christian Bale, The Fighter

Bale's got two elements in his favour with us here at the tabbies!, as well as at the Oscars: not only is he playing a true-life person, but it's a crazy, drugged boxer of a guy. Bonus for Bale: he got to lose loads of weight for the role, something which he clearly loves doing but a hobby that hasn't won him an award in the past (such as when he became emaciated for The Machinist). Chris, take a bow, and try not to crack a rib.

Best actor not to be noticed in his own film: Mark Warlberg, The Fighter

Pity poor Marky Mark. He's shaken off hip-hop, Calvin Klein underwear and a jail stint by making his mark as a serious actor ('scuse the pun) with films such as 2000's The Perfect Storm, and earning an Oscar nomination in 2006 for The Departed. But this year, the Boston-born actor has been completely overshadowed in his very own movie by his co-stars Christian Bale and Melissa Leo, who are nominated in the supporting actor and actress categories (Leo is a previous Oscar nominee). What really hurts like a right hook to the kidneys is that this is his film in so many ways — a true-story project he's worked for several years to get off the ground, about a man with whom Wahlberg had much in common. Both Warlberg and Micky Ward, the boxer subject of the film, grew up in hard-knock areas of Boston with eight siblings. "I can't find a reason why I wouldn't be passionate about [the movie]," Wahlberg said. "And there are so many similarities between Micky's life and his journey and mine."

Best too-young-to-vote actor/actress: Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit

There are kids' movies, and then there are kids in grown-up movies. Not that we're knocking the wooden performances of some of Hollywood's younger stars (hello, Kristen Stewart), but it's heartening to see a parallel string of young actresses making a mark in movies without vampires in them. Steinfeld, we expect, will join Abigail Breslin and Saoirse Ronan in the list of young women in smart roles. She's far from being the youngest-ever best supporting actress nominee — she finds herself in ninth place, beaten to the prize by the then-10-year-old Tatum O'Neal for Paper Moon in 1973. Not that Tatum's the best role model for young Steinfeld — instead, let's hope she looks to the woman who sits in 10th place, Jodie Foster, who was nominated for her supporting role in Taxi Driver aged 14 years and 83 days (Steinfeld was 14 and 45 days). Considering Foster was the model the casting directors were looking for as they auditioned 15,000 girls all over the US for the role in the Western remake, it makes a lot of sense now.

Best way to snub the Brits who are already winning too much for their own good: Christopher Nolan for Inception and Danny Boyle for 127 Hours

Never mind Nolan brought to us the most original, most mind-bending, dream-twisting film we have ever seen. Or that Boyle upped the ante by turning a supposedly stagnant story of a man helplessly stuck into the most gut-wrenching, heart-stopping and fast-paced film. The truth is, the all-knowing American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has given us the most deliberate Best Director snub in filmmaking history. Both path-breakers in their own right, Nolan and Boyle have given us some of the most beloved films of our time. And the way they've being sidelined (so what if Boyle won big two years ago?), is proof that film politics is alive and well.

Best dramatic performance by a Gap sweatshirt: The Social Network

Historical accuracy is of utmost importance for a good costume designer. How to make buff Colin Firth look slim in George VI's suits? What colour was in style for a drunken bounty hunter in 1870s Arkansas? And of course, what would a geeky Harvard student bent on getting chicks wear? The answer, apparently, is innumerable Gap-logo sweatshirts (with that wardrobe, we're not surprised Mark Zuckerberg communicated with women from behind a computer). Of The Social Network, the film that charts his (disputed) creation of Facebook, Zuckerberg has subtly complained about many inaccuracies, but hit the "like" button when it came to costume design. "It's interesting what stuff they focused on getting right; like, every single shirt and fleece that I had in that movie is actually a shirt or fleece that I own."

Best 2D character: Anything played by Gemma Arterton in 2010

If the British actress' stone-faced performances in both Clash of The Titans and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time wasn't off-putting enough (did she just walk from one set to the other after each take?), she's back with part two of Clash soon. Later this year, the Bond girl will also appear as the central character in Tamara Drewe. We're not saying she's a bad actor — although she's yet to prove otherwise — but Miss Arterton's choice of films and timing is becoming questionable. If you saw her coo "I'm trying to help you live" in Clash of The Titans, you'll know what we mean. Or was that line from Prince of Persia?

Best actor and actress not likely to be surprised at not being nominated: Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie

If controversial Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais seemed genuinely shocked The Tourist even got nominated, prompting him to mock it on Awards night ("I haven't even seen The Tourist. Who has?"), it is not without reason. A stiff, pouting Jolie and a stale, unpolished Depp don't always a good film make. Audiences might like it, what with more than $245 million (Dh899.71 million) in box office collections worldwide, but the more critical Oscar jury have not taken kindly to its predictable plot. As opposed to the Golden Globes' three nominations (Best Picture, Actor and Actress for a Musical or Comedy), the Oscars have blindsided it.

Best nominee most likely not to turn up: Banksy

It's official. One of our generation's most elusive and path-breaking artists will likely not be present if his nominated documentary film Exit Through the Gift Shop wins. Banksy, the man known for his carefully guarded anonymity, has apparently been told he can't attend the Awards in a disguise. The Academy's excuse is that it might lead to people gatecrashing the party, claiming they are him. "The fun but disquieting scenario is that if the film wins and five guys in monkey masks come to the stage all saying, ‘I'm Banksy,' who the hell do we give it to?" one of the producers recently told a newspaper in London.

Best embracing of minorities: The Kids Are All right

This year might have the most whitewashed nominees list, what with very few people of colour represented, but we like to see the silver lining. Thus a special shout out to The Kids Are All Right. Featuring sexual minorities as central characters, an African American girlfriend (Mark Ruffalo's character's girlfriend) and an Asian boyfriend (Mia Wasikowska's character's boyfriend, played by Kunal Sharma, right), this film might just be the most encompassing film of the year. Not releasing in the UAE due to its premise, catch this film when you can for Annette Bening's and Juliane Moore's triumphant performances.