Tying the knot just right

In preparation for my wedding years ago, I had to endure weeks and weeks of flowing wisdom from almost everyone, including colleagues, friends, relatives and even couples with collapsing marriages.

One of the most interesting and memorable tips came from a colleague who noticed that I had swapped my new cell phone for my (then) fiance's older model. She frowned and told me in a firm voice as if she was quoting Descartes: "In marriage, what is his becomes yours, and what is yours remains yours".

The fact that he needed a tri-band phone for a trip to the United States did not stop her from sharing her fin-ancial vision for married couples, and detecting early signs of his exploitation of my finances.

Her remarks reflected a stereotyped pattern of thinking in Arab countries, which dictates that a woman shouldn't be contributing to the household budget. I would not have been surprised if the same advice came from my aunt in the village, but coming from a business reporter who holds a masters degree in political science and refers to Canada as her second home, it shocked me to say the least.

Ever since then I have believed it is important for couples to share their approach to managing household fin-ances prior to, or as early as possible in the marriage, especially if they have potential conflicts.

Why? Because many people are not happy to receive financial surprises after they have already gone so far.

There are no exceptions to this requirement. Even if two people seem to have closer perspectives, once the honeymoon is over, merging two people's finances may prove very tricky even when trust and love are parts of the equation.

Like the well-known toothpaste example (whether to squeeze the tube from the middle or the bottom), conflicting spending habits can drive the newlyweds crazy.

From getting grocery shopping done to handling bank debts, differences can be plenty. Would you buy the top of the line soy sauce or the one sold at half-price on a special offer? Would you go on frequent weekend escapes or save up for a long luxury holiday once a year? Should dinners be at home or at restaurants? Paying the minimum on the credit card's statement or the whole balance? The list is endless.

So would you just fight for each and every one of those small decisions? The answer is no, if you want your marriage to survive its first year. Keeping your mouth shut when you are watching your partner wasting money from your own point of view isn't the solution either. The middle way is the only way, which means don't sweat the small stuff but give proper attention to critical issues.

First of all, you have to overcome your desire to avoid talking about money and try to explain your definition of living within your means and saving priorities. It might be awkward but it will save you many small uncomfortable situations and needless tensions.

Additionally, be prepared to hear some opposing points of views. So show as much flexibility as you can unless you're really unwilling to compromise on a certain point. Opening a two-way channel for communication does not hurt. After all, if you don't get what you want, you'll at least learn about your spouse's perspectives and expectations.

For longterm streamlining of your interests, learn how to set common financial goals and work to them as a family, which should help strengthen your relationship. So instead of having one partner struggling to improve the family standards of living, buying an asset or saving for the future, the teamwork can bring some understanding to occasional financial sacrifices.

A colleague who got married in the early 1970s told me her marriage saw its best times when her husband and she were not making much money. How? She could remember how the two of them had seen a bonus that allowed them to replace their black and white TV with a colour one as a "small victory".

The secret may not be about how much money you're making, but how much time and effort you are willing to invest in bringing your goals closer and celebrating small victories.