A reader asks: My mother died when I was a kid and throughout the years, I've struggled with this fact almost every single day of my life.
Whether it was at school or at home, the fact that my mother wasn't a part of my childhood would eat me up alive.
Here I am, 19 years later, and people have always asked me this one question, "What's one thing that you regret?" I've always thought that there should never, ever, be something big enough for me to possibly regret. I feel that regret is one of the hardest emotions to ever deal with as it hurts almost every second of the day.
19 years later, I finally realized that yes, in fact, I do have one regret, one regret I couldn't have possibly changed, ever.
My ultimate regret of my entire existence is that I never got to know my mother. I am constantly aware of this fact as people are always telling me the stories about her and I'm just always listening. I'm always eager to hear more, but I never really have anything to share about her and she's my own mother.
Is it normal that this regret has become almost like an overbearing weight on my shoulders?
Dr. Melanie C. Schlatter, PhD, Consultant Health Psychologist, Well Woman Clinic, Dubai, replies: I am truly so sorry to read about the death of your mother, especially the fact that you regard this as the ultimate regret in your life. And even though losing a parent is the most common type of loss, we don’t often expect to lose a parent when we are young — it is not ‘supposed’ to happen — and when it does, it can be a truly life-altering experience, and very hard to reconcile. You end up without the person who, in your mind, at that young age, should have been there to provide for you, support, guide, care for, and nurture you through your most vulnerable years.
Starting at a young age, it appears that you have now spent many years trying to integrate her loss into your life. Yet it sounds like you may not have accomplished this as far as you would like, or as far as perhaps you may have needed to. To be struggling every day, still, is enormous, and yes, you will definitely need appropriate guidance and support to get through.
I know it is hard growing up when you are facing a combination of serious, important, and positive milestones and celebrations where a mother ‘should’ be present — there is an ache, a longing, a wishing … and we often compare ourselves to our peers who are ‘lucky’ and who seemingly take their mothers for granted. But you are taking on the full emotional responsibility for something which was completely out of your control, and then you are placing huge expectations on yourself for not being able to share anything about your experiences with her to others. How could you share things about her if you did not know her? Surely no one would, or could, expect this of you?
Although I do not know your age at the time of her passing, be assured that small children often don’t remember anything at all prior to around 3.5/4 years of age (this can vary by culture). So I sincerely believe that you should look at finding ways of embracing, cherishing, or commemorating her from what you have been told, in order to start recognizing her more positively in your life. This can help to start taking away the fear — as opposed to simply feeling her absence as an incredible loss. You also need to celebrate *you* and who *you* are and what you have achieved, so that you are not defined simply by the absence of a mother.
Talking openly about a person who has passed away is not always easy. Therefore, if people are “always telling me the stories about her” then you are very fortunate (assuming it is positive information), because these special pieces of information can help you piece things together in your mind. Have you ever told these people how you feel though; or do you keep things inside, perhaps feeling as if you would be ungrateful if you mentioned how her loss affects you? And, who took over as the primary caregiver/s for you? Was there a mother figure? How did they raise you and how comfortable were they in talking about your mother? What is their role in your life now? What did they advise you to say when someone asked about your mother growing up? Can you talk to them or even to your siblings (if you have any)? Or would you feel afraid or guilty to raise the subject?
Perhaps it is also the case that people around you only advocated certain ways of coping, which might not have suited your own needs as you grew up? Or perhaps you are feeling guilty for wishing that things had been different in your life? Indeed, how did your peers typically react when you told them about your mother? I also wonder if you have any traits, characteristics or mannerisms that are similar to her? Any of these factors, and more, could be contributing to the way you feel right now — and without knowing more details, it is difficult to see what might be keeping this regret so prominent. But if you think about my questions, you might start being able to pinpoint what the factors are — for example, it might not just be the absence of a mother per se (which obviously is enormous in and of itself), but the factors surrounding it. You might even be coming up to a significant life event, such as a marriage or university graduation, where her absence feels more prominent. Regardless though, although regret is very normal in a case like this — and it will likely always exist (sorry!) — you are right, it is also very powerful in your case, and you do not need this so heavily in your life. I do believe it could be better for you.
Furthermore, think about what your mother would wish for you as her child — I am sure it would encompass all the many wonderful things in life. Indeed, you are a part of your mother, and many would believe that as such, she is alive within you. Therefore, you could honour her by celebrating her birthday or lighting a candle; writing a journal of the things you have been told and about your feelings; planting a tree for her; or enjoying an afternoon cup of tea, just like she may have liked. Again, don’t forget to honour yourself also.
Writing to this forum must have taken a lot of courage, and it shows me that you are ready to start dealing with this ‘overbearing weight’ on your shoulders. Aside from the questions above, which may help you to see what is keeping this regret so heavy as such, you may wish to check out the following website which has links to many valuable resources: http://www.griefhealing.com/deathparent.htm
This could also be helpful for anyone else reading this response who is in a similar situation, but perhaps with the loss of a father, or at a different age.
Secondly, I think you should talk to a professional who can fully discuss the details of your mother’s passing, so that you can understand and move forward through the sadness and longing, and come to terms with the things you never got, and the key milestones that affected you the most growing up. Otherwise, this could continue to affect your current quality of life. In addition to factors above, they would probably look at the actual circumstances of her passing and how / when you were informed, and by who; the exact age you were when it happened; your gender, birth order and how many siblings you have, and the relationships between you all; your relationship with your father and any other significant female caregivers over the years (if applicable), and what your living circumstances were — especially if the living situation (including the people involved in taking over your care) changed drastically afterwards. They would also explore how you cope at an emotional level in general, and teach your advantageous strategies to manage in your darkest moments, to move towards a more peaceful level of acceptance. This approach should also incorporate your cultural, spiritual and / or religious beliefs as appropriate.
Finally, if you think you would feel comfortable in a group setting, there is a wonderful grief support group available in Dubai. Contact The Lighthouse Arabia. All the very best.
Disclaimer: This blog is a conversation and is not an alternative for treatment. The recommendations and suggestions offered by our panel of psychiatrists are their own and Gulf News will not take any responsibility for the advice they provide.
