A reader who wishes to remain anonymous asks: Thank you for this blog and I hope you will help me with my problem as I am really depressed and stressed. I am writing in to ask advice from you.
My sister passed away a year ago and I am still in a state of shock over it, she died suddenly and was young, leaving behind a young son. I was close to her to a certain extent and she was always there when I needed to talk about anything even though it had been years since we used to talk often since her husband does not like me. I was not able to be there when she died as my family felt I would get too emotional and that I would need taking care of so they only informed me of her death the next day even though they were at the hospital whole evening the night before and could have called me.
I cannot forgive them for this-ever. I am also angry that my younger sister who I am close to did not think to call me and tell me what was happening. I have even made up my mind if I ever get married I will elope and get married outside the country, so they know how it feels to be left out, and because I cannot imagine having a wedding here with everyone I know attending and looking at photos later that show my sister missing.
I cannot stop crying over my sister's death and I have not accepted that she is gone. I have not seen her son in a year because her husband has cut off access to him to me and my family and nothing we say or do is going to change his mind. The family blames him for my sister's death as he did not call medical aid in time and did not take her to a proper medical facility. How can I come to terms with her death and the additional pain of not being in my nephew's life, he is only 8 and has taken her death hard.
I wish my sister would tell me what to do or tell me somehow that she is ok. I felt a strong gust of wind in my bedroom the first day I returned home and there were no windows or doors or A/c open I felt it was her I don't know why maybe I'm wrong. I also had a dream where she told me about a gift she had given to her son and I was able to describe it to him even though I had never seen it or known about it. I don't know what that dream meant.
I cannot go outside very much as when I see places that remind me of her I cry. I no longer eat the same cuisine she also enjoyed because I feel she cannot have it so I should not. For a long time after she passed away I would lie in bed all day, sometimes on my bad days, I still do. I have no support system from my family or friends as I have friends that are out of the country and only two friends here helped a bit but still when I was grieving I really wanted to be with someone who could comfort me and I could not be with my family as they wouldn't talk and they were complaining why am I sitting by myself all day so I went back to my apartment. I cannot afford therapy as I am not working and haven't been for a long time. I am very depressed about that I have been applying for jobs since a long time. I'm aware of the grief support groups you run but I don't feel comfortable talking to complete strangers about my sister.
When my sister died I started thinking about everything in my life and I started thinking of this man, S.M. I met a few years ago who loved me deeply and we were involved although we did not have a relationship we were just getting to know each other and I agreed to date him and he wanted me to meet his family and date me and be his girlfriend. But then I cut off contact after a few months as I felt I was too young to be married in my mid twenties and he was two years older and told his parents he thought he had met his future wife (me) and so I ignored him for months and just sent him an email apologizing and that we could not be together because of different religions and other matters but that I will always love him.
At the time I did not feel as bad for hurting him as I did not feel I loved him the same way I only realized I did much later when months had passed by and he stopped calling only when I told my friend to tell him I have a boyfriend even though I did not. S.M. kept calling me for half a year can you believe it he even told my friend he wanted to marry me and for me to please get in touch. I had two relationships long after that but I left those or we mutually agreed to break up as I was not happy the guys were not serious or I left because they did not treat me well and were verbally abusive or constantly tried to put me down with comments on my hair, clothes, lifestyle, friends etc.
My mother was always abusive so maybe I felt this was the best I could get and that I did not deserve a wonderful guy like S.M. I now realize I do love him and there were other reasons also I could not be with him as I was having serious legal problems with my employer and I did not want to involve him in case he would be questioned I did not want him to be in any kind of trouble. I did think of him over the years, but have only started thinking of him everyday over the past few months. I feel I made a huge mistake and that I should have spoken to him face to face and told him my fears and situation.
He is a good man and he loved me he would have stood by me. I always wondered about guys intentions but with him there was no doubt in my mind. I tried to recently contact him to apologize again but he did not reply to my email and I tried to call his office but used another name and he was in the middle of a meeting when I called so I just hung up without talking to him. I am so devastated that I have lost the love of my life, it is not infatuation.
I have never felt this way before about anyone and he made me feel secure, loved and appreciated and anything that I asked for such as meeting his parents and mine he readily agreed along with other things that I asked just to test him and he agreed to all of them. No one before has done that for me. He has now found love and is with someone else and has a new life since a couple of years now so I cannot interfere with his life. I mentioned in the email I wish him well and that I regret walking away.
I think about him and cry over him all the time. I am worried I will not find someone better and if I do, that I will leave him if S.M. comes back to me. S.M. is my soul mate. Someone told me that people marry someone and then compromise, I believe that some people marry the one that is right for them and he is right for me-we had chemistry, love, mutual respect and so many things I could not find in other men. He was the whole package, not just someone who was handsome. I truly believe handsome men are womanizers and he was the one person who showed me that not all men are the same. I know you will tell me that I will meet someone better and that I never loved him in the short time we knew each other, but I am so worried I don't want to live like this loving him for the rest of my life. I have been single for years and have never met anyone who has even half the qualities he had.
I worry I'm in my mid thirties and time is running out for me to settle down, I worry if I meet someone even if I love him I may leave him if S.M. comes back to me. Please help me, because I love S.M. and I cannot imagine my future without him. I want to be with him. I know in my heart, whoever replaced me did not have the qualities he loved about me. He always said he and I could talk about anything and everything and that he never felt the way he did about me before with anyone I feel. He was so broken hearted that he moved on to someone he thought would make him happy. She may make him happy but I still believe he and I are soul mates.
I feel I have no interest in life and nothing matters anymore. I wonder when I will be able to feel alive again and if all this suffering is some kind of punishment for wrong I may have said or done in the past and that I am being punished for hurting S.M. by having my heart broken so many times. I barely sleep, I rarely feel hungry and I try to get my mind off things by watching TV or reading, but it is short term and I cry again. Am I having some kind of breakdown?
Carey Kirk (M.Ed, Counseling Psychologist at The LightHouse Arabia, Dubai) replies: You ended your letter with a question: “Am I having some kind of breakdown?” From your letter, I would say that you are going through a significant depression.
Difficulty sleeping, lack of appetite, frequent crying, lack of interest, and feeling as if you are being punished are all symptoms of depression. Other symptoms of depression can also include:
- Significant weight loss or gain
- Lack of motivation
- Irritability
- Difficulty concentrating
- Fatigue
- Body aches and pains
- Thoughts about self harm or suicide
My first recommendation would be to have a consultation with a psychiatrist. Depression is very treatable and life can get better, but it does need treatment. Significant depressions are often best alleviated with a combination of medication and therapy. I know you mentioned that you can not afford therapy. Therapy is an ongoing process that would be very beneficial, but at this point I would encourage you to simply focus on finding a way to have an appointment with a psychiatrist.
While financial concerns are understandable, investing in treatment for depression is actually a good financial decision for the long-term. I would find it incredibly hard to work, have the motivation to look for jobs, or be able to demonstrate the enthusiasm and drive that could get me a job if I were feeling as you described. I am wondering if your level of depression in itself is harming your ability to secure a job. By seeing a psychiatrist and finding medications that can alleviate some of those symptoms, you are actually providing yourself with better opportunities to be successful and financially stable in the future.
Receiving treatment for your depression will also open up new opportunities for you in the realm of relationships. When we are struggling and depressed, we attract to us a qualitatively different set of people than we would if we were happier and had confidence in ourselves. Is it likely that the majority of men you have met are not good enough because that is who you are attracting into your life? Depression can be like wearing a set of blinders. It shapes what we see in our world and who enters our line of vision. While I can’t say whether or not you made a mistake in breaking off your relationship with S.M., I can say that there are other decent and loving men in the world. For you to see them and allow them to enter your life, you need to invest in yourself.
When it comes to S.M., you noted you are worried that if you do find someone better, you will leave them if S.M. comes back to you. Firstly, I would like you to be realistic about what evidence you have that he would eventually come back. You mentioned that he found love and has been with someone else for a couple of years now. You also mentioned that he is not returning your communications. When we are broken hearted, we often do search for something else that we think will make us happy - and sometimes what we find really does. I know it is difficult, but I really encourage you to let him go and act as if he is never coming back. Whether you are soul mates or not, you need to be able to live your life and you can’t if you are constantly waiting for him. Additionally, I know you feel that - even if you found someone better - you would leave them if S.M. came back. However, that is only because your current mindset does not allow you to see past where you are. It’s the blinders again. If you were to be at a point in your life where you felt happier and were in a loving relationship with someone else, you would most likely have a different mindset.
Lastly, my heart goes out to you for the death of your sister and the devastating circumstances you experienced. While it sounds as though your family were trying to protect you, I understand feeling very angry that you were kept in the dark about your sister’s situation until after she died. Many times, individuals and families withhold information from a person about a family member or friend’s death in the hopes that this will make it easier for that person. It doesn’t. It just multiplies the pain of grief by adding the hurt of being lied to or misled.
You said you could never forgive your family for this. What I would encourage you to see is that forgiveness is not a kindness you extend to them. Forgiveness is a kindness you extend to yourself. It takes a lot of energy to commit ourselves to staying angry and resentful towards people. And depression takes up enough energy as it is. Can you really afford to give up this much energy? One way to retrieve some of this energy is to work on seeing your family as flawed people who made a horrible, misguided mistake instead of horrible people who did something horrible to you. Sure, this won’t change the fact that you were not there with your sister when she died. Nothing can change this. But it can change how you feel about yourself and help you move towards accepting your sister’s death.
Acceptance is tough. For many people, acceptance is connected with the concept of approval: that if you accept your sister’s death it means that you approve that she is gone and the circumstances surrounding it. In this light, acceptance seems impossible. How could we ever approve of the death of someone we care about? We can’t. What we can do, however, is work towards acknowledging that their death and the circumstances around it are a reality. It has happened. It is part of your life. This is what we mean by acceptance in grief. It is the process of owning this as part of your storyline.
I hope you can find something of use amongst these words. There undoubtedly is a lot going on for you at the moment and I hope you can find a way to access the support services such as psychiatry that can help you on your journey towards healing.
Disclaimer: This blog is a conversation and is not an alternative for treatment. The recommendations and suggestions offered by our panel of psychiatrists are their own and Gulf News will not take any responsibility for the advice they provide.
