A reader asks: I am a 31-year-old man married and working in Dubai as a clerk. I have a eight-month-old baby.
My problems is that I don't feel any sexual feeling when my wife is close, nor do I feel like having sex with my wife. It really bothering me. I got married in 2012 and I like and love my wife so much and she also loves me.
Is this normal? How can I have a healthy relationship with my wife... please help me.
Linda Sakr (Licensed Counselling Psychologist, Dubai Community Health Centre) replies: It must be very frustrating to have lost sexual interest in your wife. First and foremost, a fulfilling sexual relationship isn't dependent on frequency or specific sexual behaviors. Instead it's reliant on whether the sexual experience makes both you and your wife feel good without compromising either person's health. In order to become sexually aroused and to function normally, you will need to have a feeling of self-confidence, freedom from anxiety, the presence of arousing mental and physical stimulation, and the ability to focus attention on sexually arousing thoughts or behaviour. Anything that interferes with these conditions can disrupt a sexual encounter. If one or more of these conditions is unavailable, an inability to perform can become an ongoing problem.
Self-confidence includes a belief that you'll be able to perform sexually, and a belief that your wife finds you attractive If one of you constantly belittles or threatens the other, such confidence can be undermined.
Any type of anxiety can lead to an episode of sexual failure. The most common type of anxiety is performance anxiety, in which the person is afraid that he or she won't be able to become aroused and function normally. This fear of failure is self-perpetuating because the anxiety interferes with arousal. The inability to become aroused then increases the anxiety.
In order to become aroused, you generally need the mental stimulation of a wife you love (which you stated you do) or find attractive, combined with appropriate physical stimulation.
In order for stimulation to be arousing, it is necessary for a person to be able to pay attention to it. If someone is distracted by thoughts of possible failure or a lack of self-confidence or has concerns about how the partner is reacting, this will distract from the arousing sexual activity.
Start out slowly without putting pressure on yourself and gradually build things up as you go along. If nothing works for an extended period then perhaps you may want to consult a psychosexual counsellor. I wish you all the best.
Disclaimer: This blog is a conversation and is not an alternative for treatment. The recommendations and suggestions offered by our panel of psychiatrists are their own and Gulf News will not take any responsibility for the advice they provide.
