Communication – the human connection – is the key to personal and career success.” – Paul J. Meyer, American author and leadership management expert.
For the last three weeks, we have been looking at the reason why conflicts occur and how tenagers rsot to various tactics, negatvive as well as positive to resolve them.
This week, in my concluding column, I am offering them simple, doable actions that will help them deal with conflicts successfully. I am also sharing with them tips on what not to do when facing a conflict.
Communication at times can be very difficult and frustrating especially with those who differ from our perspectives, be it our peers, adults, siblings or parents. Many of us must have faced a situation when we have said something with good intentions but that has been interpreted by the opposite in a different way, according to their perspective leading to misunderstanding with unintended and undesirable consequences. Isn’t it annoying that our good intentions have to be justified?
If you can communicate effectively, other people are clear about what you need and want, and the chances of being misunderstood are diminished. As with any learnt behaviour, effective communication can also be learnt.
“Communication is a skill that you can learn. It’s like riding a bicycle or typing. If you’re willing to work at it you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life.” – Brian Tracy, famous Canada-born motivational speaker.
There are certain things you need to do and certain skills you need to learn to avoid conflicts.
What you need to do to resolve conflicts
Be self aware: Find out what makes you angry, what are the things you cannot tolerate in others, which behaviours are difficult to handle.
Emotional awareness. Knowing what you are feeling and why. Identify and express what you are feeling and understand the connection between your feelings and your actions. Emotional awareness also allows you to understand what others are feeling and to empathize with them.
Remember not to sweat the small stuff. Learn to weigh the pros and cons of your reactions and responses. Agree to disagree and avoid making a molehill into a mountain. Live in the present moment and learn to make a difference.
Patience. It pays not to react in the heat of the moment. Take a few deep breaths, and revisit the situation in your mind before responding to any conflicts.
Acceptance. Remember both of you are coming from different backgrounds, experiences and perspectives. It will help you to be in the opposite person’s shoes to know where he/she is coming from before taking the next step.
Focus on the situation and actions. Talk about the behaviours that upset you and how the situation has affected you. Focus on facts.
Paraphrase. Both parties paraphrase what the other person’s actions meant and reconfirm this with the person in conflict with you.
The whole purpose is to resolve the issue. Talk rather than argue and be a part of the solution and not the problem.
Listen. Listen objectively without being judgmental or planning your next response. Let each person describe their point of view without interruption. You need to understand what the opposite party wants and why they want it.
Control Impulses. It is observed that teens who have better impulse control are more aware of themselves and their responsibilities.
Improve social skills. Teens with appropriate social skills exhibit confidence and are able to handle any challenging situation rationally.
Respect. Be respectful to your teens and adults and respect and accept differences.
Focus on the positive aspect of the conflict. Although this is challenging, focusing on the positive aspect of the conflict can make you see more possibilities rather than focusing on the problem.
Confront fairly and with honesty. If you have to confront any person in a conflict then do it fairly, directly and with openness, this can increase your credibility.
Address conflict in initial stages before becomes complex. Conflicts have a way of snowballing, and are more difficult to resolve as time goes by. The more you avoid or stretch a conflict, the more difficult to resolve it.
Respect Personal Boundaries. According to Mark Gregston “Teenagers live in a culture where boundaries seem to be non-existent. So, teaching them about your own personal boundaries will help them think about developing their own boundaries and how to respect other people’s personal space, time and belongings.”
Establish ground rules or procedures to manage conflict. Agree to work together and set rules such as, no name-calling, blaming, yelling or interrupting or walking out. Make a rule to either resolve a conflict or discuss it at a later time when you both are more rational giving a definite day or time.
Find common interests. Establish facts and issues that everyone can agree on and determine what is important to each person.
Win/Win. Remember both parties are keen to resolve the conflict. Discussing each person’s view of the proposed solutions. Negotiate and try to reach a compromise that is acceptable to everyone involved.
Use humour: It is known to diffuse the most stressful situations.
• Respect differences. By avoiding disrespectful actions and words, you can resolve any conflict.
• Calm down and stay cool. In the heat of the moment, the tongue anyway speaks faster than the mind can think, escalating the conflict. By calming down, you are giving yourself the opportunity to see the whole situation from an objective view and you are able to now select a response in contrast to your reactions on the sour of the moment.
• When the use of “I’ can be effective. An assertive technique, beginning sentences with “I hope...”, “I believe...” is a way of expressing how we feel by respecting the person in conflict with you. By starting a statement from “I” , we take responsibility for the way we perceive the problem. An example would be, “I would appreciate if my books are not touched without my permission” As opposed to, “Why are you touching my books despite telling you not to touch. OR stop touching my books, can’t you understand simple English?”
• Take responsibility. In most conflicts, both parties have some degree of responsibility. Unfortunately most of us tend to blame others rather than looking at our own role in the problem. But when we take responsibility we shift the conflict into an entirely different gear, one where resolution is possible.
• Create options. Brainstorm solutions and come up with a win-win situation. Turn resolving conflicts into opportunities. There are always more solutions to a single problem. Find ways to either collaborate or accommodate or compromise.
• Reaching an agreement. Each person should state his or her interpretation of the agreement. Try writing the agreement down and checking back at a later time to see how it is working.
• Close a conflict and forgive. A negotiation, a deal a handshake, a hug, or a kind word gives closure to any conflict. In long pending unresolved conflicts, apology and forgiveness are essential for reconciliation and conflict resolution. I would agree with Daniel McFarland who argues that forgiveness is not giving up, but is rather an acknowledgment of the past and a willingness to move on in a new way for the benefit of both sides. This is superior to revenge, he maintains, because revenge only continues the conflict and the pain.
• Respect, responsibility, honesty and compromise, if we hold these values dear to us when making any decision, then there will be no conflict.
What you must not do when resolving conflicts
• Do not respond with anger. When you get angry, your mind freezes and you get extremely agitated. If you speak then, you may say things you will regret later. You become insensitive to the person in conflict with you as your ego or anger empowers you.
• Make a mountain from a molehill. The worst thing you do is to exaggerate the cause of conflict. Many times, it is a minor ddifference of opinion which does not deserve the the attention you are giving it.
• Have high expectations. Keep in mind that you may have different the expectation from the person you are in conflict with.
• Blame the person. Personal attacks will create damaging and long-lasting conflicts which will take time to resolve. Similarly, focusing on the personality traits can also lead to long-standing unresolved conflicts.
• Be a part of the problem: In any conflict, focusing on the problem will escalate the issue rather than resolving it.
• Use “you” messages: When you repeatedly use the word you when addressing the other person, you are putting others on the defensive and thereby closing doors to communication. Look at this example, “You’ve left the room in a mess again! Can’t you ever clean up your room; I am fed up of telling you this?” The “you message” directly blames the person. No wonder they go on a defense trip.
• Avoid negative body language: It will reveal its intent even if you use the most clever words to conceal it.
Not being able to provide a respectful closure to conflicts can lead to long-term unresolved resentment that leads to many painful patches in a relationship. In this process, each party assumes things based on their perceptions thus creating more resentment or distance from each other.
When conflicts are resolved in a healthy way, it increases an understanding of one another, builds trust, and strengthens relationships.
