There are times when you may find yourself sitting next to someone you don’t know, perhaps when you attend a meeting, conference or luncheon networking event.
So, what do you say? Do you play it safe and keep the conversation superficial or do you make a point of trying to get to know the other person better? What is the correct protocol, or is there even a protocol? Let us look at some ways that will help ease these ‘getting to know you’ conversations around the table.
When you are seated and the conversation starts, look around and see who is not included in the discussion. It might be because they are sitting too far away from the hub of the conversation or possibly because they just have nothing to contribute. Although it could also be that they are hungry and just want to eat!
However, if someone doesn’t want to be included in the conversation, then the chances are that they will keep their heads down and avoid any eye contact. Eye contact, as we know, is a powerful body language tool that can indicate immediate interest and engagement. Of course, the opposite is valid if someone wants to be excluded.
Opening a conversation
So where do you start? Well, a typical opener might be: ‘How long have you been with the company?’ or ‘What interests you most in your work?’ Or, if at a wedding, then: ‘Are you a guest of the bride or groom?’ You can usually sense immediately if the person wishes to engage in conversation or not, and a sensitive ‘antenna’ is vital at this stage. My experience is that if you proceed slowly, the chances are that you will communicate easily with the other party. But be circumspect with your humour as you really do not know whether they will appreciate your jokes. So, tread carefully, at this time, particularly if the person comes from a different culture to your own.
Questions to ask
Open questions are important, for instance, ‘What? Why? When? Who? and How?’. Try not to ask a closed question, i.e. one that can be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as this will not help develop the conversation onto another level e.g. ‘Do you like your job?’ Furthermore, always stay safe by keeping away from religion and politics or anything that is controversial.
Exhibiting the courtesy of turning off your cellphone sounds obvious but it is amazing how many people will take a call during a meeting or a meal; interrupt the conversation and then return as if nothing has happened. If it is necessary to take a call, then one should excuse oneself and leave the room. No one will think any less of you but at least you will have demonstrated courtesy to everyone present. Nothing infuriates me more than having to listen to someone else’s conversation and it is probably the same for you.
So, here are some ideas for starting up your next conversation with someone you have never met before:
1. Tell me about your job and the organisation?
2. Where do you see yourself in three years’ time?
3. Is there one person that you respect and admire and, if so, why?
4. Is there a specific skill that you don’t have but would like to possess? What would it enable you to do?
5. What is the one factor that could cause you stress and, if so, what is the one thing that usually helps you?
6. When you eventually retire, what will be on your ‘bucket list’?
7. Who do you think was the most influential person of the 20th century?
8. What country would you most like to visit?
9. What movie have you have seen recently: did you like it, or not — and why?
The above are just simple examples that might help you when it is important to initiate a new friendship or make a new contact.
However, remember that warmth comes from the eyes and ‘a smile is worth a thousand words’.
So enjoy your next networking lunch or dinner. You never know who is going to be sitting next to you. It could be your future boss, wife, husband or close friend. But probably not, if you are silent or boring!
— The author is a BBC guest broadcaster and motivational speaker. She is CEO of an international stress management consultancy and her new book, ‘Show Stress Who’s Boss!’ is available in all good bookshops.
