Being captain has taken its toll

London: Lewis Moody would have happily run out on Christmas Day to face Wales in England's Six Nations opener rather than have to wait until February 4, such is his hunger to make amends for what he perceives as the shortcomings of his tenure as captain of his country.

Sitting in his home in the rolling hills south of Bath, and amid the Christmas chaos engendered by his young family, Moody admits being England captain has taken its toll.

He has, at times, borne the haunted look of self-doubt and anguish.

And he has feared that by taking too much responsibility on his shoulders he has driven himself close to burn-out.

What saved him was talking to the man who has known only too well the vicissitudes of life as an international sportsman, he said.

"I spoke to Martin Johnson and the England coaches and one or two of the more senior players but the person who stands out for me is Jonny Wilkinson," Moody said.

"Jonny listened to me pouring out my self-doubts as captain and then dealt with it as only he can, simply, effectively and with the desired outcome.

"The gist of what he told me was that I'd been playing at the very highest level for many years, that I had to stop beating myself up over things that had happened.

"I can't tell you how good it was to hear that a man of Jonny's status in world sport still had belief in me."

The genesis of Moody's internal strife was his team's defeat last June against Australia in Perth.

It was his second game in charge and he found himself suddenly struggling to cope with the extra burden of captaincy.

"I placed far too much responsibility on my own two shoulders last summer," he admitted. "I felt I had to be responsible for everything on the tour, from organising the meals out to making sure the medics were all happy to being in charge of the player meets, let alone actually leading by example out on the pitch.

"It showed my inexperience as a captain at this level and it quickly became a massive burden. Johnno told me to just be myself when he appointed me as England captain but I wasn't being myself, at least initially on tour.

Taking responsibility

"It got a whole lot worse after we lost the first Test against the Wallabies in a game we felt we should have won. I missed a couple of tackles, an area of the game I've always prided myself on, and that really cut me deep.

"As far as I was concerned, I'd let the team down. But it was worse than that. It was almost as if I was trying to suck the anguish out of everyone else as well and take it all on myself.

"I saw the defeat as entirely my responsibility.

"Looking back on how I was back then, I realise now that if I'd carried on like that I would have torn myself to pieces and totally burned myself out.

"The fact he did not was down to two factors: talking to Wilkinson, his World Cup team-mate from both 2003 and three years ago, and the epic second Test win in Sydney that set England up for this autumn's series of internationals.

"Recalling the England captains he had played under Johnson, Lawrence Dallaglio, Martin Corry and Phil vickery helped as well.

"You have to be your own man and not attempt to be a carbon copy of someone else, but I look back and realise how much they got right," he said.

Corry was unlucky because of his timing as England captain but, no matter what flak was coming his and his team's way, he stepped up to the mark every time, while Johnno always set the tone and was always the first player to stand up.

"It made me understand that I should focus on the reasons why I was picked as a player and a captain in the first place and not concern myself with other matters. Beating Australia in Sydney lightened the load on everyone and the confidence it gave us was there for all to see in the autumn."

Two wins and two defeats in the autumn series might be seen as an average return, but Moody insists he is excited by what he saw from England, particularly in the build-up to next autumn's World Cup in New Zealand.

"We showed what we are capable of in the way we beat Australia," he argued.

"I've always felt we have high quality players in our squad ... but even I was surprised by how well we played that day."