Your child is upset about exam results: Here’s how to help them bounce back without hurting their confidence

I was never skilled at hiding test results from my mother, though not for lack of trying. I would stuff answer sheets into my blazer pockets, stash them away in my school locker, and insist for days that “the results haven’t come out yet.” But of course, two weeks in, the truth would have to come out. And the consequences were never pleasant, especially when it came to math and science—subjects in which my scores often lingered in single digits.

Physics was my nemesis. I never quite understood it, and when I say I scored low, I mean really low. so low that I decided to bump my marks up by half a point when I told my mother. Naturally, she saw the paper later, and let’s just say it didn’t end well.

If you’ve ever gone home with a marksheet bleeding red ink, you probably know the feeling, the pit in your stomach, the rehearsed excuses, the classic line: “But everyone else did badly too,” even though you know that’s about as true as the sky being purple.

Dubai-based Kalindi Chatterjee, a homemaker, laughs as she recalls her own attempts at cover-ups. “I used to tear up my answer sheets and claim the school dogs ate them,” she says. “Of course, my mother never bought it. She would always find a way to get the truth out of me.”

Now a mother of two, Chatterjee, sees things from both sides. “No one’s perfect,” she says. “Our parents reacted the way they did because they were raised differently. It was a different time, different conditioning.” She admits that even now, when her own children don’t do well on a test, her first instinct is still disappointment, even anger. “But then I remind myself of how hard they tried. And even if they didn’t, the solution isn’t anger. It’s figuring out what went wrong and helping them move forward. I don’t want my reaction to become the reason they lose confidence.”

It’s easily to let frustration overwhelm you, especially when you’re worried about your child’s future, and fear of how others might perceive their performance. Yet, how parents handle these moments, set the tone for how the child approaches such challenges in the future.

With that in mind, here’s how child therapists Audrey Collette and Sophie Kuya suggest parents can respond more constructively when results disappoint.

Understand the weight of your reaction

Children are quick to react. A disappointed sigh, a raised voice, or silence can really slice them, explains Kuya. When a child receives a poor result, your initial response becomes a blueprint for how they view setbacks.

Why it matters: Harsh scoldings, emotional scenes, tend to compel children to believe that their entire self-worth is dependent on grades.

On the other hand, tenderness, empathy and love help heal a child's embarrassment. Moreover, if the results are good, just celebrate it, without using the words, ‘Next time, you need to get even higher marks’.

Acknowledge that disappointment is normal

You are human, after all.  It’s okay to feel upset or surprised, but it’s important to manage how you express those feelings. By normalising disappointment without turning it into shame, parents help children process failure in a healthy way.

Tip: Say, ‘I know this isn’t what you wanted. Let’s talk about it and see how we can move forward.’

Shift from critique to curiosity

Instead of jumping into what went wrong, invite your child into a conversation about their experience. Ask questions that encourage self-reflection, not self-blame.

Try this: ‘What part of the test felt most difficult?’ or ‘Was there something that distracted you during prep?’

Result: This helps children analyse rather than personalise their disappointments

 Highlight the process over outcome

Focusing solely on marks overlooks the growth, persistence, and effort a child may have shown.

What to do: Acknowledge how they studied, how they asked for help, or how they dealt with challenges.

Example: “You didn’t give up even when it got hard, and that matters.”

 Identify what needs support

Don’t use terms like ‘you’re grounded’. ‘No more playing till you get those marks’. It builds pressure and anxiety in the child, further compounding their inability to grasp a difficult concept. Chatterjee recalls another embarrassing thing that her mother did in rage: When her friends called, her mother told them about her low marks and that she will now focus on her studies than chatting on the phone.

These incidents sting.

So, if the result was due to lack of understanding, focus on academic help. If it was due to stress or burnout, discuss ways to manage the workload and help your child. You need to let them know that you are on the same team, and not against them.

Ask: “What kind of support would make this easier next time?”

Avoid: Blanket punishments that disconnect rather than educate.

Reinforce a growth mindset

Help your child understand that intelligence and ability are not fixed, they can improve with effort, strategy, and time.

Say: “This result shows where you are today, not where you’ll be forever.”

Why it matters: This mindset creates resilience and reduces fear of future failure.