Even as the police tries to piece together the mystery surrounding the death of teenager Aabesh Dasgupta in Kolkata, India, the incident has sparked a debate on parenting and how to raise a child in a digital era where friendship, love and heart-break are all part of online content. Aabesh, a student of Class XII, bled to his death after suffering a deep cut to his left axillary artery, during a birthday party that he was attending with his friends at a city apartment. While preliminary investigations saw the police weigh-in with the theory of death due to an accidental fall, the teen’s family has claimed it was murder.
Those in positions of power immediately blamed it on westernisation that has apparently engulfed every aspect of Indian life and society, while others held the 17-year-old’s mother responsible for not reining him in.
Teenage has always been a difficult time for just about everyone since time immemorial. It is that phase of life when one is often rather unsure about what he or she wants to be in life. It is that time when one is angry without even being sure about whom to vent one’s anger upon — a time when one can feel insecure or even feel rejected without having a clear idea about who or what could have triggered such emotions. This churning within the inner world of a child affects the parents’ just as much or perhaps even more. As a parent, one just babbles his or her way through parenting, which is often described as the most thankless job one could ever have.
As I child, I grew up in a proverbial Indian joint family where parents made up of not only my father and mother, but the whole retinue of grandfathers and grandmothers, uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings, friends and neighbours. They cajoled us, pampered us and even reprimanded us, while guiding all of us to become better human beings. We, the younger lot, inadvertently learnt the ways of life by following in the footsteps of our elder siblings and cousins.
It was never about marks or ranks in competitive examinations as the word ‘parenting’ was yet to enter the lexicon of the Indian middle-class. Now though, it seems like a task, a job, where the goal is to somehow ensure that the children are professionally successful as they attain adulthood.
To ensure this, there are tips, tricks and procedures that parents resort to.
However, we, as parents, have forgotten the value of being a parent. We have forgotten that the biggest reward of being parents is not the grades or awards our children earn, not even their graduation or wedding, but the sheer joy of being with them through their worst mistakes and errors of judgement.
Unfortunately, today’s young-adults are growing up in an island of their own, enamoured as they are in a world of gadgetry. The support systems of yore have vanished as the word ‘family’ looks more like culmination of countries and time zones. I am now part of a “family” that is scattered across different time zones and correspondence with family members is via WhatsApp and other social media platforms. We are now in a situation where we are ready to share our successes in an open forum, but grapple with our failures in solitude.
Global heartaches
Today’s teenagers are egotistic and peer pressure can make one paranoid. This global marketplace has global heartaches as well.
The digital world has long baffled many Indian parents as they struggle to even send an email, even as their teenaged children communicate with ease and communicate incessantly making use of the latest communication devices platforms.
It is important for parents today to have a clear idea bout their children’s online activities and they should also be able to absorb the shock of what they may come across. If you want to mentor your children on their online deportment, you ought to engage with them offline. We need to understand their values and feelings very carefully, honour their decisions and learn to live with them. The joy that comes after this is exhilarating, as the twerp you have nurtured matures into a perfect adult.
They should also be made responsible for any action of their’s that may have had a disastrous consequence. In case of the Kolkata teenager, alcohol was served at the birthday party that he and his minor friends were attending. Let this incident act as a reference point for parents to apprise their children about the dangers of transgressing certain red lines that are age-specific. As parents, intuitively, we would like to shield our children from the mistakes that we may have committed when we were young. At the same time, it is important to treat young-adults or teenagers with the respect they deserve. Maintaining that fine balance between over-parenting and indulgence is crucial. And yes, that’s easier said than done. The formula works best in trying to remember one’s own teenage days.
Archisman Dinda is a journalist based in Kolkata, India.
