What's said vs what's meant

As children, we were taught to tell the truth no matter what the consequences are. As adults, we know better than that! We are trained to weigh the consequences first, and then to decide on the proper course of telling!

As such, the gap between what we say and what we mean is actually larger than the Titanic, and is much more resilient to icebergs!

Consider a job ad that says: good-looking girls wanted for administrative positions. The real meaning is: good-looking girls wanted for non-administrative positions.

When you see a sign that says: No returns or exchanges, you must think; we don't stand behind our products.

Now when you see: We stand behind our products, you should know they mean: once we sell you a product we forget totally about the experience and we look for another sucker!

When a manager says: I adopt an open door policy in my office, you know he means: mainly for good looking girls and cheesy hypocrites.

When your boss says: Tell me about your strongest points, he or she means; help me cover up my ignorance, inefficiency and my lack of knowledge about my subordinates.

When an HR person says: Why do you want to work for our company? He or she is thinking; I realise how stupid and pointless this question is, but I have to ask it anyway.

When you say to your boss: I enjoy working with you, you really mean: wait till I find another job and then you will hear what I really think of you!

When I hear someone saying: I suggest we allocate additional resources to accomplish this task, I know he means; umm... that's not how we do things here, idiot!

Some help

Lately I asked a colleague for some help and she replied: Although I have a tight schedule, I will try my best to accommodate your request, her body language was actually saying; are you blind? Can't you see I am busy? I'll finish it later; now buzz off, will you?

When a potential-date-turned-sour tells you: Let's be friends, you must know she means; me? Friends with you? You must be out of your mind!

Whenever I hear: I will take a look at this and get back to you, I know they mean; forget it, you will never hear from anyone on this issue again.

Every time I hear: Please remain on hold and someone will be with you shortly, I know they mean; ha-ha! Join the crowd and hang in there in outer space or hang up if you like, do you think we care?

If your resume says: Willing to relocate, it really means; desperate for a job, please, someone!

When a grouchy middle-aged man says: I love children, he really means; especially when they are sleeping.

If you read a sign that says: Our prices are fixed, then you must know it means; we don't tolerate nagging customers who want to diminish our profit margin.

When a man says: I love shopping, candle-light dinners, long walks on the beach and watching the sunset. He really means; I love hanging out with my friends and I hate candle-stupid-beach-walking-dinners, and what's that about sunsets?

When a woman says: I love shopping, candle-light dinners, long walks on the beach and watching the sunset. She really means; I love shopping, candle-light dinners, long walks on the beach and watching the sunset.

Whenever the lesser Bush says: We want a Palestinian state that exists peacefully next to Israel. We all know he really means; we want the Palestinians to drop all their demands, forget about their rights and focus on becoming a cheap source of manual labour that exists submissively under Israeli military boots.

Ahmad Zahzah is a media consultant based in the UAE.