Compatibility vital for a successful marriage

Here is how it starts: A guy lives his life to the full, experiencing all that he has to and when the time comes he kisses his mother's forehead and tells her: "Mum, I'm ready to get married, pick a decent girl with no stains in her history."

Off goes the mother scanning her networks, beginning with family, extended family and ending with family friends. May the candidate with the perfect history, or at times the perfectly ‘bleached' history, win. While the success rate of arranged marriages is higher than marriages based on love, I strongly believe that if an arranged marriage is done right, it will be based on respect, which is the ultimate core of a successful relationship.

The search for a partner should be based on personality compatibility, not family friendships or strong ties. Parents should be well aware that sometimes choosing a candidate based on his/her family could be a recipe for disaster.

A dear friend once told me, "They would ask their mothers to choose their wives, when they wouldn't let their fathers choose a car for them. They would get into every detail before buying a car, from the type of tyres, rims, engines, to the smallest detail like the leather trim."

While a car would last on average three to four years, a wife is supposed to be your partner for life, one who will be your household co-captain. Painful, isn't it?

In other cases, the sons would actually be mature enough to know they're not ready, be it emotionally, mentally or, given the extreme amounts spent on wedding celebrations, financially.

Every single day at lunch, the mother would start the old broken record: "I found a decent girl", "Her parents are very good people", "I haven't seen the girl in 15 years" and "Last week I saw her at a wedding, she's all grown up, she is the girl for you".

The son would tell her he's not ready, and try to change the subject, but how dare he? The family will provide him a place to live, a fairytale wedding and honeymoon, and maybe a new car as a reward for his obedience.

Growing pushier by day, the son finally agrees — how could he break his mother's heart? The woman who devoted her life to raise him? The girl, on the other hand, believes her dreams will finally come true, and with that fairytale wedding, how could they not be? Reality sinks in, crushing those dreams. He could be a really good guy, but he can't force his heart to feel for her. She does the impossible to make him happy, but the more she gives the more he backs away in guilt. He then finds a way to live his single life again, while keeping his wife and children in the dark.

He didn't break his mother's heart but he broke the heart of that young lady who now gave up her whole life for him and their children: it's too late to go back. Although as revealed in the last published statistics by the Ministry of Social Affairs the divorce rate in the UAE was 19 per cent — the highest in the Gulf Cooperation Council. As common as it has become, it still has the power to put only women on society's black list.

Married and miserable

I always say this to my friends, I'd rather be single and happy than miserable with someone. I would either do it right or not do it at all. Why should I give in to the pressure of society that a girl is to be raised for one purpose only, marriage? While marriage could be a wonderful thing I just don't think women should be in a hurry for it, after all it's in God's hands.

I've heard girls, smart Emirati girls with the highest potential say, "I just want to finish university and get married." God forbid she graduates and has to wait a year or two before a guy proposes! Her confidence would go down, and thoughts of not being good enough would dominate her brain.

I completely believe that a woman's greatest achievement is raising the next generation, but how could you if you don't realise any of your potential, sit at home and obsess about the latest handbags or the latest treatments at the cosmetic surgery centre? How could you allow your brain cells to slowly die? How could you possibly be in charge of the next generation with such a superficial mental framework?

How can an arranged marriage work? Brothers or fathers should take the time off their busy schedules to get to know the candidate more, and be available to chaperone the couple to-be during the engagement phase. Let them get to know each other better, align their goals and requirements that go beyond the wedding fiasco. Think of it as a job interview or maybe a business partnership; do the screening, do the right background check through family, friends and colleagues.

Mothers, trust your sons to make their own decisions because you have brought them up. Allow them to be happy, whether it's with a spouse or not and trust their choices if they decided to choose the woman they want.

The success of a marriage is not calculated by how close you are to the mother of your son's wife but by how the choice you made can make the marriage flourish and mature positively.

Gentlemen, if you can't value the jewels in the form of women, allow others to appreciate them the way they deserve. Ladies, make this your motto: I'd rather be chosen for my personality and my brain, I'd rather be chosen for me.

Fatma Al Falasi is a young Emirati writer who reflects on social issues that relate to Emirati youth. You can follow her at www.twitter.com/Fatmalfalasi.