High roller

It's not every day I send my wife an SMS which reads: "Sorry but I'll be late home tonight. Have to pick up a Rolls-Royce." In fact I've only ever done it once. But since that was very recently, the memories are still as fresh in my mind as the salmon served with my afternoon tea.

Have you ever wondered how the other half live? I rather suspect they live with permanent grins on their faces.

An acquiescent nod from the guard and both security barriers to the Burj Al Arab were immediately opened, allowing me to drive sedately toward the iconic tower.

As my mere saloon was whisked away apologetically by the valet, I couldn't help but be distracted by the line-up of gleaming Rolls-Royce motor cars adorning the reception parking area. First was the Phantom, a car which one should most definitely enjoy from the rear seats, while one's chauffeur deals with the minutiae of negotiating traffic and preventing riff-raff from touching the immaculate paintwork. From the comfort of one's high speed drawing room — that is the perception enjoyed while seated in the back of a Rolls-Royce Phantom — one may take satisfaction in knowing that the hand-chosen hides of up to 16 Bavarian cattle were used to create the splendid leather interior. I would like to thank them personally for their sacrifice. Head room? Enough for an NBA player to be comfortable. Leg room? Put it this way — there's no need to ask one's driver to "shift forward a bit". Lean back into one's personal leather enclave and one might take careful note of the night sky. Or rather, of the starlight headlining, which glows with hundreds of pin pricks of light to create a restful aura; just the thing to distract one from the thought of another exhausting lunch with one's personal banker. Furthermore, the intensity of the light is voice-controlled. Simply utter the words, "I say Parker, dim the solar system a little would you," and your wish is your chauffeur's command.

There is absolutely no need to raise your voice whilst doing so. The only reason I know that the engine note of a Rolls-Royce Phantom can be described as ‘powerful' is because I was parked next to another Phantom with my window open as it pulled away. Close the windows and listen for the engine note of your own car and you will be sadly disappointed — or blissfully relaxed, depending on your point of view.

The only indication that the V1248-valve 6.6-litre engine, capable of producing an amazing 720Nm of torque,is even running, is the power meter tothe left of the instruments.

I would imagine a lot of Phantom owners read the inscription ‘Power Reserve 100 per cent' and think to themselves, "the story of my life".

Meanwhile, one's driver would be enjoying his own touches of luxury sat in the front seat. Nestled on the front of the central storage receptacle (the word ‘cubby' is just a little, well, common, don't you think?) is a hidden panel which, when pressed, brings the BMW-derived infotainment control dial to hand. And with a flourish, a central panel within the perfectly veneered dashboard — I heartily recommend the walnut burr — simultaneously revolves, hiding the clock from view and replacing it with a digital information LCD. It's a lovely touch, but it did raise a question in my mind. If the same control system is called iDrive in a BMW, should it be called uDrive in a chauffeured Rolls-Royce?

If the Phantom is designed primarily to be enjoyed by its passengers, then the Ghost is most definitely built with the driver in mind. Had my imaginary gamekeeper told me that it was possible to drive a Rolls-Royce hard from the exit of a roundabout and enjoy satisfying levels of traction whilst maintaining regulatory challenged speeds, I should have dismissed him for insolence. However, it's true. Since a fully laden Ghost weighs just a touch under three tonnes, the remarkable 0-100kph time of 4.9 seconds is achieved thanks to all that torque being available from just 1,500rpm. In the absence of a satisfying roar from under the bonnet, enthusiastic drivers will just have to be content with assured handling, surprisingly little body roll and excellent braking performance due no doubt to the presence of 410/402mm diameter ventilated discs front and rear.

It's probably just as well, given the performance, that a Ghost also comes equipped, or rather generates, something few other cars enjoy — its very own ‘don't even think about it' force field. Never have I seen so many drivers obviously start to pull into my lane, then look in their mirrors (following the unique ‘manoeuvre, don't signal, mirror', Dubai philosophy) and suffer an immediate change of both heart and direction.

Paramedics the world over might do well to demand Rolls-Royces instead of ambulances. Who needs blue lights and a siren when an imposing grille and the Spirit of Ecstasy will clear the road ahead far more effectively?

After a refreshing break at Bab Al Shams, I chose to return to the Burj Al Arab in my best Hollywood A-List manner. You know, the one where I sit in the back of a Phantom Drophead Coupé, roof down, pretty girl by my side, the stars twinkling above me and the promise of a super-yacht reception upon my arrival at the coast. And for once, I wasn't dreaming. In fact there was no way I was going to fall asleep because even at 80kph, the wind whips around the windows of the Drophead and buffets one's carefully coiffured hair into oblivion. Octogenarian entrepreneurs please note; you'll be needing high-performance contact adhesive to retain your toupee, whilst your twenty-something wife will need a silk scarf (matching handbag, brooch, earrings and diamond-encrusted belt), in order to keep her bouffant ‘bouffed'.

The solution to the problem of aerodynamic assault is simply to find an adoring crowd and instruct one's driver to slow the car to walking pace. Now one's admirers can enjoy the elegant details of the Drophead Coupé, particularly the optional teak deck which hides the lowered hood. Built in the style of a boat deck, it is the crowning glory on what is already a sumptuous car.

And so as I approached the marina, preparing myself mentally for the endless onslaught of canapés, hors d'oeuvres and sparkling beverages, I asked myself the question ‘if I could afford one, would I actually buy a Rolls-Royce?" And my initial answer was that I wouldn't, not because of the car itself, but because I'd probably bankrupt myself trying to then maintain appearances and a lifestyle I'll never be accustomed to. But as I sat on the deck (yes, the teak did match the Drophead's) of ‘my' yacht, gentle waves lapping at the hull, waiters ensuring I was never short of food or drink, enjoying pleasant company, and with soft music wafting through my ears, I think I changed my mind.