This can be a difficult time of year for parents whose children have headed off on gap years or to university. Apart from missing them, it throws your own relationship into sharp focus. Psychologist and life coach Dr Pam Spurr gives her tips to help you embrace the grief and loneliness of Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS).
Never guilt-trip your child
It's crucial to keep your relationship with your grown-up child on a good footing. The last thing you want is to create a rift between you. You'll instantly jeopardise things with guilt-tripping behaviour about how often they get in touch, for instance. It's tempting to moan down the phone: ‘So you finally had time to ring me?' Don't.
Resist ‘sabotaging' behaviour
You may crave the time when they depended on you, and that might lead you to sabotage strides they're making. Sending them loads of extra cash, or saying you'll pay extra bills, undermines them taking responsibility for their own actions. Also resist Gestapo-like interrogations: don't ask if they're eating a hearty breakfast, etc. Droning on means they're less likely to tell you things you'll really want to know.
Treat them like a grown-up
Yes, he's still your ‘baby' (even if he's six feet and two inches and has a goatee beard), but treating them like a grown-up will score you lots of brownie points. Ask them how often they'd like to keep in touch. Allowing them to guide the frequency of phone calls gives a sense of control. This may mean them texting you and you ringing them back.
Don't burden them
You may feel like sobbing under the duvet until midday but they don't want to know that. The last thing they need is to worry about your issues when they're facing their own. When they visit, tell them how lovely it is to have them back, but draw the line there.
Rekindle your relationship and activities
Many couples find that when their personal lives no longer revolve around children, cracks appear in their relationship. Don't panic. This is natural. Now is also the time to make a list of at least three things you haven't done or have given up because parenting has sapped your energy. Well, there's nothing stopping you now.
Keep the thread going
Your child leaving doesn't mean that family life comes to a halt. Keep the thread that runs through your life with your children going. Get around to putting your treasured family snaps into albums — one for them and one for you — and prepare some of their favourite treats for their next visit home. Embrace modern technology such as email, Facebook and Skype to keep in touch.
Keep an open-door policy
Your children may be doing a lot of growing up, but they'll need reassurance that you're always there for them. An open-door policy where they know they can ring you any time of the night or day when in need gives them confidence.
