Mind the gap

I will never forget the day my sister was brought home for the first time.

I was three years old and sitting on a rocking horse – a toy I had received the day before, and according to my parents “a present'' from my new sister.

My mother came into the room, clutching the new baby preciously and followed by a flurry of cooing grandparents, smiling aunts and chuckling uncles.

I beamed happily, thinking about the attention I was about to receive.

But instead of focusing on me, they followed my mother enthusiastically to the sofa.

So I did what any three-year-old would have done. With all the energy I could muster, I flung myself off the rocking horse and started to scream.

‘You love him more'

According to Dr Rajeshree Singhania, neuro-developmental paediatrician at Singhania's children's clinic in Dubai, my behaviour that day was a typical manifestation of the phenomenon commonly known as sibling rivalry.

“It stems from a perceived threat to the parent-child relationship and it indicates a healthy attachment to the parents. Common behaviours in the older sibling include aggressiveness, naughtiness or dependency.''

Research by leading behavioural psychologists has concluded that an age gap of two to four years, which is the most common in modern families, can lead to more rivalry than any other.

“The perception is that one sibling is more valued than another by the parents. Some children feel compelled to fight for their parents' resources — namely love, attention and approval,'' says Devika Singh, a Dubai-based licensed psychologist and learning specialist.

“In the case of siblings with an age gap of less than 18 months, rivalry is not common,'' says Singh. “This is because when the new baby arrives, the older sibling is still developing a sense of identity so rather than threatening this process, the new sibling joins it.

"In the case of a five-year age gap, the older sibling can better verbalise feelings and be reasoned with, when a new addition to the family comes along.''

Don't get over-involved

Although therapists define sibling rivalry as a negative pattern of behaviour, they believe if it is dealt with in a positive manner, it can act as a stimulant for developmental progress and can be an opportunity for growth.

In certain situations, however, parental involvement can encourage rivalry, as Singh explains: “Just as children try to satisfy their needs for approval and love from parents, parents themselves try to satisfy these same basic needs from their children.

"As a result, they may find themselves becoming over-involved in aspects of their children's relational dynamics.''

Readers say:

“I grew up in a big family of ten siblings! Not one day went by without a fight. Now, we still fight, but we know that all we have in the world is each other''
Farhaana, Dubai

My younger brother arrived five years after me and it marked the end of my 'monopoly' over all goodies including toys. I'm still not over it.
Shiuli, Dubai

“Never did I feel resentful. I was the eldest of four children and I loved all of them and was so protective of them – and still am to this very day''
Nagham, Abu Dhabi

I grew up in the US, the eldest of three daughters. We all had the same mum but their father was my stepdad.

My sisters both made fun of my brown colour as they are both a lighter tan mixed race. It has damaged our adult relationship.
Anonymous, Dubai

My sister with whom I am living now is my best enemy, you can not imagine what she has been doing to me.
Katy, Dubai

My younger brother aged eight is always bullying me although I am 12 but I am not able to handle him. He at times becomes very wild!
Wassam, Jeddah