Arab mums and dads let their children stay up all night, Asian parents rule their little ones with an iron rod and Westerners just want to be their offspring's best friend. Fair assumptions or out-and-out stereotypes? Parenting according to cultural habits is now the hot topic, with first-hand accounts of all-night supervised music practice versus effortless production of well-behaved progeny leading to vibrant debate across the world. But who parents best, and why?
According to psychologists, there are four defined parenting styles; first, authoritarian, then the more balanced authoritative, then indulgent — whereby parents place few demands on their children and avoid discipline — and finally the hands-off, uninvolved approach. Studies have shown an authoritative approach produces the most well-rounded children, so why don't all parents just follow this route? It's a difficult one, says South African parenting coach Andalene Salvesen.
"As an example, Australian parents like to negotiate with their children. It's a Western trait, where they want to be friends and be liked," she explains. "However, when these Western parents find their children are not responding, they don't know what to do, as you can't discipline a friend, so they end up shouting, then feel guilty."
And the indulgent approach apparently favoured by some Arab cultures can lead to problems with family dynamics. "Letting children stay up late exhausts both parents and children, and then parents have no time to themselves," Salvesen says.
Adopting a flexible approach that depends on both the age of the child and their response to your approach is the best bet, she explains. "A nurturer approach is good for babies. Then, for children who are under 6, a sergeant-major style is best — it is authoritative and establishes authority. Then from 6 to 12, you need to be a teacher trainer, with looser boundaries. You teach by example and walk alongside your child as a mentor. Then from 12 to 18, you're a coach parent and give advice when you're asked. Finally, 19 onwards, you're allowed to be your child's friend."
Failing to align your approach with either the age or the response of your child can result in behavioural problems, Salvesen says.
"If you try to use a sergeant-major approach with a teenager, you'll end up with rebellion, but if you use coaching on a 5-year-old, they'll go wild."
A middle stance
So do Arab parents really pander to their child's every whim, with a complete lack of boundaries and no set bedtimes?
No, says Lebanese mother of two Rouba Zeidan, 37. However, she says she does encounter some resistance from older, more traditional members of her family when she tries to lay down the rules. "I'd like to consider my parenting style to be moderately placed, between strict and laid-back," she says. "But I sometimes argue with my parents about being hard on my son, and my answer is always that life is tough, so I'd rather [he] learn to deal with it at home than the hard way in life."
Rouba certainly isn't indulgent with her children, unlike the stereo-type. "I find it crucial to affirm the boundaries of respect for my children, [but] I try to do it sensibly," she says.
And are all Asian parents really that strict? Again, not always. "We apologise to our children when we make mistakes, while traditional Chinese or Asian parents don't do this, as it's believed that this shows weakness to the children, which may lead to disrespect," says Herga Wong, a 41-year-old Malaysian-born Chinese mother of three. "Our style of parenting is a mix of traditional and modern, Eastern and Western, because our ethnic background is from Asia and we were educated in the UK. We often cautiously remind our children about our family background and ancestors, and some virtues that specifically exist in our Chinese or Asian communities — for example, filial piety — and at the same time consciously parent them in a Western style, such as openness to discussions and the opportunity to repent and defend themselves."
Not surprisingly, the stereotype of Western parenting, which foregoes discipline in favour of being friends with offspring, also falters. Sharee Hendry, 33, from Australia, mother of two boys, is in favour of the more balanced authoritative approach and says fostering a sense of independence in youngsters is an important part of parenting within the Australian culture. "We try to raise our children to be independent, so babies will only sleep in their parents' room until they are about 6 months old. After that, they move into their own room," she says.
However, this independence doesn't extend to being allowed to run riot, whether you end up a liked parent or not.
"Respect for a parent is crucial for a good relationship. Without respect the child will learn to walk all over the parent," Hendry says. "I'm hoping that using an authoritative approach to parenting will mean that I will not only be able to be a good friend to my sons but also someone they will be able to respect and look up to."
With such a mix of nationalities in the UAE, it's inevitable that some families will also include two or more cultures, and it appears that parenting styles are adapted accordingly where possible. "Families here tend to make their parenting style their own, rather than adopting that of their parents' culture," Salvesen says.
It seems the UAE's many long-term expatriate families often find themselves merging parenting styles, thanks to constant exposure to different cultures. "I've been in expat mode most of my life and grew up among cosmopolitan communities, where a variety of parenting styles were presented," Rouba says. "This helped me tap into the pros and cons of each and form my own parenting style that combines my heritage and my acquired knowledge."
Of course, the extent to which younger parents manage to create their own styles is often dictated by whether their extended family is also living in the UAE.
"Those who have entrenched traditions may find it very difficult to [develop their own parenting style], as culture is ingrained and it is more common to lean towards family traditions when family members are present," Salvesen admits.
Learning from fellow parents
Along with the mix-and-match style, do parents in the UAE ever read books and try to implement their suggestions within their own families?
Sometimes, says Hendry, although fellow parents often provide the mostinspiration.
"I read a few behaviour books, especially in the early stages, and then tried to adapt them to fit in with the authoritative approach," she explains. "But I mostly ask friends who have toddlers the same age as mine, and see how theirs are behaving, so I can work out if it's just a phase they're going through or whether their personality is developing."
Rouba agrees that peers are invaluable. "Children don't come with manuals, and I find that every time I've mastered a challenging level with my son, he changes again and I have to upgrade myself!" she says.
"[I'm grateful] to the internet and parenting blogs, [but] one of the best resources I tap into is other mums. I have some amazing friends and each of them has had unique experiences with their children. They have a variety of parenting techniques I find really useful."
Whether you let your child stay up late, set him military-style rules or are happy to walk alongside and guide him so he likes you, Rouba sums it up perfectly. "Most parents, no matter what their circumstances, are doing their best to raise their children," she says. "The intention is always noble and aimed at helping their children — and we have to respect that."
— Catherine Harper is a UAE-based freelance journalist
