10 things I wish my newborn daughter knew already

1. You’ve taught me why it can be unbearable to be around new parents. I have to stop  myself from talking about you to everyone around me. All the time.

2. No Tara, those are not lactating mammary glands. Not everybody has them. And please don’t be so mad every time this realisation dawns.

3. I’m not saying it’s not cute to poop all over your daddy’s hands just when he’s taken your soiled diaper off; I’m only saying – save that for your mom.

4. No one’s ever accused me of being soppy and sentimental. Not until you came along.

5. You will not be a Belieber. I know it’s too early for such declarations but the idiot was in town the week you were born. That should explain the paranoia.

6. You smile a lot. But only while you are sleeping.

7. You carry the burden of parental expectation lightly. You are generally a well-behaved baby, but only until we say so to the people you meet.

8. You have the cutest set of dimples I’ve seen. Use them well in arguments with your
dad later.

9. A month ago, I didn’t know what ‘swaddling’ meant. Now I’ve forgotten the meaning of ‘hobby’.

10. Your boyfriends will always be intimidated by me.