Letting go of guilt: 7 practical steps to forgive yourself and heal

Guilt wears many faces. For some, it’s a searing sting, an unrelenting ache that doesn’t let them sleep at night. For others, it feels like a heavy burden, a weight they carry for years, unable to set it down. Some see guilt as a guide - a chance to seek redemption, to make amends for what can never be undone. And then, there are those who navigate all these versions, wrestling with guilt in every form it takes.

How do you ease the burn, shed the load or use it as some sort of a moral compass? It’s a question that all of us reckon with. For instance, Dubai-based Manish Joy, a sales professional, still wishes that he could go back in time and be with his wife, when her mother passed away. In a rather impulsive moment, he had chosen to be in office. “She never reminds me of it, or even complains, but I keep wishing that I had. It was a terrible time for her, and I wasn’t there for her,” he says, explaining that his wife always tries to remind him to forgive himself. “That’s rather hard to do.”

That’s the thing about guilt: It can either hold you back or push you forward. It doesn’t have to be an enemy that wears you down - it can be a friend, nudging you towards change.

Understanding guilt: Healthy and maladaptive

Guilt is a complex, emotional response that arises when you feel that you have violated a personal moral standard, or caused harm to someone else, or you just haven’t met your own, or other’s expectations. Charithra Dev, a stress and trauma specialist based in Abu Dhabi, describes guilt as a rather self-conscious emotion, that’s tied to one’s conscience, ethical framework and psychological framework. It occurs when there’s a disconnection between actions and values. “It’s about recognising how one’s actions impact others, culminating in a sense of responsibility, or regret for causing harm or some form of neglect,” she explains. Guilt is different to each person, depending on their past, the situation, and their own psychological makeup.

These factors are what drives the different kinds of guilt they feel, between healthy and maladaptive guilt, explains Amy Glover, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist at LightHouse Arabia. “Healthy guilt is proportional, brief, and motivates positive change, like apologising or making amends. In this way it motivates healthy and adaptable behaviour to positively influence our lives and relationships,” she says.

On the other hand, maladaptive guilt is excessive, persistent and disconnected from the situation, often leading to self-punishment, rather than growth. Through maladaptive guilt we often experience more suffering, and this affects our relationships with self or with others. The person blames themselves excessively and feels undeserving of forgiveness and can’t let go of past mistakes.

Guilt and shame

Abu Dhabi-based public relations professional Nadia D’Costa shares her experience of making an embarrassing mistake in a press release. “I had let my boss down, a person that I really respected. I couldn’t sleep for several nights, even though everyone had moved on by the next day. But it stung, and I made a few more errors, out of nervousness,” she recalls. Her boss finally sat her down and gave her a hard talk: You can either stew in guilt and let it destroy everything that you have, or, you can learn to let go and improve yourself. “That was the lesson that I took from that episode,” says D’Costa. Calming the darker parts of herself wasn't easy, but with time, she slowly found her balance again. “I would say that I’m a lot better at handling and recovering from my mistakes now.”

As Dev points out, such episodes are an example of where guilt blurs into shame. “There’s a difference between telling yourself, ‘I did something wrong’, and  ‘I am something wrong’. The former focuses on behaviour, and offers you a chance to change yourself. The second, attacks your identity, entrapping you in a cycle of self-loathing.” That’s where you need to keep reminding yourself, that mistakes don’t define you. Those aren’t character traits; they’re actions.

How can you handle guilt positively?

The hard truth is, the past can’t be undone. Take Sneha Chatterjee, a Dubai-based marketing professional, who still wrestles with the guilt of bullying her younger brother during their childhood years. “At that time, I thought I was just playing and teasing. It’s only years later, he told me how much it scarred him. It’s the reason why he can never be completely comfortable with me.” She knows that nothing will ever heal that time, so she just resolves to do what she can to be there for him, in different ways without being suffocating. “He knows I am sorry and I feel guilty, and has forgiven me, but I still hold on to it,” she says.

The guilt prompts her to reflect. It makes her acknowledge the mistakes in the past and also be kind to herself. It’s what also motivates her to become a better person. “It’s a fine line between falling into the territory of shame and using guilt to change yourself,” she admits. She might never get the closure she needs: But, well, it’s close, says Chatterjee. Sometimes, it’s just acknowledging that you can’t rewrite a chapter; you just make the next one better.

As Glover says, guilt can be a powerful motivator for positive behaviour change in smaller quantities. It can help us reflect on our actions, lead to repair in relationships, and help us strive for more personal integrity. It need not be a burden; but a tool, that can bridge between the person we are, and the person we want to be. “You need to understand, what triggered the guilt. Did it come from actual mistakes, or is it tied to unrealistic standards that you have placed on yourself,” adds Dev.

Using guilt as a roadmap

If you hurt someone, own your actions, explain the specialists. Don’t try to suppress it in a sea of defiance or ignoring it altogether; that’s far more damaging. You can start with an apology, and also accept that they might not completely forgive you or forget, but you can make slow amends in the future, without going overboard.

Furthermore don’t turn guilt into a pity party or a bait for sympathy, warns Dev. “I’ve seen people weaponise their guilt by berating themselves, hoping others will feel sorry for them. That’s hardly constructive: You hurt them, so you can’t be weaponising your guilt and expecting them to feel sorry for you.”  Instead, use it to strengthen relationships. “When we acknowledge our mistakes and take responsibility, we show others that we value them enough to repair what was broken.”

And, if you fell short of your own expectations, try turning guilt into motivation, adds Dev. “Missed a deadline? Reflect on why and build better systems for accountability. Neglected your health? Start small with habits that align with your values.”

When to let it go

Once the guilt has served its purpose, it’s crucial to let it go. “Holding onto guilt after you’ve made amends or taken corrective action doesn’t serve anyone - not you, not the people you care about. Lingering guilt only drains your energy, preventing you from moving forward,” she says. Just keep reminding yourself that you cannot change the past, but can ensure a better future for yourself. Growth isn’t about being perfect - it’s about showing up, trying again, and doing better.