Friendship might be the most beautiful relationship, but how easy is it to forge long-lasting bonds when you're an adult? We find out.
When we were kids, making friends was like a walk in the park. All you had to do was share a cookie, and you had a friend for life. However, as we stepped into adulthood, the world no longer seemed the same. We got busy with work. Our friends got busy. They got married and had kids. Very soon, being "close" meant one call a year or a text message on special occasions.
So, what is the art and science behind adult friendships? Read on to find out.
The science behind friendship
Can you recall the last time you met your friend and how you felt? You might have been on a happy high, lost in your world. When we make friends or meet someone we like, a flood of neurochemicals takes over the brain. Our hearts pump faster and there’s an increased production of dopamine or the "happy" hormone.
Adult friendships: Are they hard or easy?
Adult friendships can be easy or hard, depending on many factors. For some, social skills are a part of their personality and it comes to them naturally to make friends. For a few others, walking up to someone and striking up a conversation can be a daunting task.
"People who have had a difficult past are more likely to be introverted than those who are extremely outgoing," said Dr Asma Geitany, a Lebanese expat who works as a clinical psychologist with the Dubai Health Authority.
People who have had a difficult past are more likely to be introverted than those who are extremely outgoing
On the other hand, making new friends might not be that hard for some others. "When I moved from the UK, I knew nobody in Dubai. I tried to meet people, and slowly I had a group. It’s not the age that stops us," Marie Byrne, a positive psychology expert and counselor from Ireland, who works at Marie Wellness Clinic in Dubai, told Gulf News.
According to Byrne, the restrictions in our minds tend to increase as we progress into adulthood, making it harder to accept new acquaintances. Besides, as humans, we tend to develop trust issues with time, which in turn leads to us being less open or friendly.
To make long-lasting friends, one needs to invest time and effort. "You can’t just walk along Al Wasl Road and make friends with anyone. It’s a long shot," said Byrne.
Nevertheless, making friends is not impossible. Being a little proactive and positive can help build long-standing adult friendships. So, where are we going wrong?
When I moved from the UK, I knew nobody in Dubai. I tried to meet people, and slowly I had a group. It’s not the age that stops us.
The actual hours it takes to make a friend
In a new report published in the American journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Professor Jeffrey Hall found out that it takes about 50 hours to make someone a casual friend, 90 hours to become real friends, and 200 hours to become close friends.
Hall, an Associate Professor of Communication Studies at the University of Kansas, along with his colleague developed an online tool, where they could gauge your friendship closeness based on your answers.
In the first part of his study, they analysed 355 responses from adults who had moved homes in the last six months and were looking for new friends.
Hall asked them to think of someone they had met during the move, and how the relationship evolved. He then associated this with the time spent, the closeness, and the kind of activities they engaged in together. He then began to estimate the time it took for people to transition from one level of friendship to another.
He conducted a second study, which reinforced the conclusions from the first one. In the second study, he surveyed 112 freshmen who had recently moved to the city of Lawrence in Kansas. He asked them about the people they met during the transition and their closeness with them. Hall followed up with the respondents after four to seven weeks to see how the friendship had blossomed.
Combining the results from both the studies, the study concluded that it takes 40 and 60 hours to form a casual friendship, 80 to100 hours to transition to being a friend, and more than 200 hours together to become good friends.
Finding the opportunity
Adult friendships are tough. It’s mostly because we don’t find opportunities to meet new people.
Quoting the words of Aristotle, the Greek philosopher, "Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow, ripening fruit."
As we get older, the space that used to be filled with endless laughter and gossip gets consumed by more "adult" concerns like marriage, family, and career.
"Adult friendships are tough. It’s mostly because we don’t find opportunities to meet new people. When you're an adult, opportunities become fewer. People tend to get more guarded and you have to put in the effort to meet new people and strike up conversations," Yohaan D’Monte, an Indian expat who works as a content creator in Dubai, told Gulf News.
The challenge of trust
Unlike when we were young, as adults we find it very hard to invest in or trust anyone. Recent research published in Personality and Individual Difference, a peer-reviewed international academic journal, cited lack of trust as one of the reasons that make adult friendships difficult.
Researchers conducted 30-minute interviews with 20 sample participants in a university laboratory to find out what made adult friendships difficult. This was followed by an open-ended survey that involved 108 participants. The findings revealed that low trust, followed by lack of time and introversion makes building new friendships challenging in adulthood.
With time, it becomes hard to trust an unknown person. As we age, we prefer to confide within a known circle....
"Most of us lead a fast-paced life and we invest more time and energy in work. We meet the same set of people daily, and therefore it becomes difficult to meet new people or trust them," says Dr Geitany.
Perhaps this could also be a reason why most of us try and maintain old friendships, given the trust built over time.
"With time, it becomes hard to trust an unknown person. As we age, we prefer to confide within a known circle, which prevents you from being your authentic self to unknown people," Guruprasad Shrinivasen, a 39-year-old Indian expat who works as a director of business development and partnerships in Dubai, told Gulf News.
Fear of rejection
As you get older, friendship does not happen organically. There is less scope for unplanned interaction alongside other factors such as the fear of being rejected, isolation, and lack of time.
Speaking about rejection, Dr Geitany quoted rejection as one of the biggest human fears. “We are all biologically wired with a longing to belong. As adults, we have greater self-awareness than kids. While this might be positive, it also means that we are at a greater risk of being judged or rejected.”
Dr Byrne further added that as adults, we tend to become more cautious of ourselves, thereby being unable to be our true selves. This leads to us becoming more isolated or closed, as we might end up drawing a boundary around ourselves, she stated.
Overcoming the caution
According to Dr Geitany, you can face rejection by working on your self-confidence. "Seek professional help to get over past experiences. Always start small and don’t set high expectations for yourself. Lastly, always believe in yourself.”
“I have been an introverted child, and I continue to have shades of this trait even as an adult. This also leads to self-doubt and fear of rejection. I often wonder if I really fit in a particular crowd or if they enjoy my company. I’m training myself to accept that rejection is normal and it’s not the end of the world," Neeharika Varadaraju, a 34-year-old Indian expat who works as a marketing professional at a Dubai-based firm, told Gulf News.
I have been an introverted child, and I continue to have shades of this trait even as an adult. This also leads to self-doubt and fear of rejection. I often wonder if I really fit in a particular crowd or if they enjoy my company. I’m training myself to accept that rejection is normal and it’s not the end of the world.
Why do friends matter in adulthood?
Friendship is a matter of the heart and brain. Scientifically, making new friends makes us happy, thereby releasing dopamine. Besides, friends also have a positive effect on our physiological well-being. Social connection is linked to lower blood pressure, reduces stress, improves immune functioning, and keeps the heart healthy.
American epidemiologists Lisa F. Berkman and S. Leonard Syme assessed the relationship between social relationships and mortality using the 1965 Human Population Laboratory survey in California, USA. The nine-year-long study surveyed a sample of 6,928 adults in Alameda County. The findings revealed that people who lacked social ties were more likely to die during the survey than those with strong social ties.
Furthermore, research also suggests that the global pandemic has made socialising harder. A 2021 report by Harvard University's Graduate School of Education surveyed 950 Americans in October 2020. According to the findings, 36 per cent of respondents reported serious loneliness, because they felt lonely most of the time.
According to Byrne, there are some great reasons why friends are important:
• They are the best sounding boards.
• There is no support system like friends; they are trustworthy and they are the ones who will call you out every time you make a mistake.
Tips to make long-lasting friendships as an adult
It’s entirely possible to overcome all barriers and build meaningful, long-lasting friendships. So, how do we do it? Experts reveal.
1. Ten minutes is all you need
"Working on your communication skills is the key to any healthy relationship. Technology has helped adult friendships significantly. One caring message can go a long way," Geitany told Gulf News.
She explained that you don’t have to plan major dinners or bond intensely over a common hobby to solidify a new friendship. Setting aside a few minutes of your daily time can go a long way, she says. “Send a message, forward a meme, start a group chat, or give someone a call. Ten minutes a day may be all you need.”
2. Make the most of any quality time
When you meet a friend, give it your all. Set aside any distractions and ensure you spend that time well. Social media can wait until you get home!
“Social media consumes most of our time these days and sadly we’re spotted with our phones even when we’re in a group or meeting a friend. This can not only hinder conversations but can also make the other person feel you are disinterested in the relationship,” explains Byrne.
3. Join a class
Byrne explained that the best way to make friends is by joining a community or a class of your interest. This will also help you meet people who might have the same interests as you.
“Consider joining a gym or any activity you enjoy. Next time you’re in the gym, have a casual chat with the person next to you. It might just be the foundation of a great friendship.”
4. Volunteer for a cause
Just like a group class, volunteering will also help you meet people with similar interests as you. “Those who volunteer generally come across as very outgoing, and you will have common interests that will help you bond better. You can also plan to meet outside of your volunteering once you get comfortable enough,” said Byrne.
