Do you have compare and despair syndrome?

Tanya has just been out for Friday lunch with a friend and she’s on her way home on the Metro when she checks her Twitter timeline. She sees immediately that a former colleague has landed a new job, about three grades above Tanya’s. Scrolling down, she also spots some gorgeous Jimmy Choos her friend has bought and she notes that the kitchen fitters have just arrived at her cousin’s six-bedroomed villa.

When she switches to Facebook, she sees new photos from her friend’s holiday in the Maldives with her husband. Her friend is looking slim, tanned, toned and very much in love. A colleague on maternity leave has also posted photos of her sweet new twin babies. By the time Tanya gets off the train, her mood has gone from happy to feeling totally inadequate and depressed with her life.

“I’d had a fantastic lunch with Carole. We laughed so much and we both said that we must meet up more often,” says 38-year-old Tanya, a public relations executive. “I felt so good about myself and my life when I got on the train, but after I’d read about how well everyone else is doing, I felt inferior.

“I’m still on the same grade I was five years ago, while my former colleague is flying off into great things. I’d love a new kitchen in my apartment, but living alone, I don’t have much money left over at the end of the month for new shoes, let alone a new kitchen. I haven’t been on holiday for two years and there has been no one special in my life since I split up with my boyfriend three years ago.

“When I read what everyone else was up to, I felt deflated, as if I’m not good enough. I started thinking how useless I am. I told myself I’m a failure, I can’t do my job, I can’t dress well and I can’t afford nice things like holidays. I’d also love to have a baby – just one would be wonderful, but there’s a colleague who got pregnant naturally with two!”

Be aware of ‘the highlight reel’

During her journey home, Tanya fell victim to compare and despair syndrome, which affects all of us now we have access to everyone’s highlights via social media. Even if we’re not on Facebook and Twitter, we see our neighbour’s shiny new car in their driveway or our friends call us to share their news that their son has been accepted by a top university.

When we drop our children at school, we notice when other mums have a new designer jacket, or a gorgeous new handbag. Sometimes it feels as if the rest of the world is doing so much better than we are. But the reason for this, says lifestyle expert Louise Presley Turner, is that we see everyone else’s edited highlights on social media.

“We’re very selective about what we post,” explains Louise, author of Finding a Future that Fits. “We see the highlight reel. We see the children when they’re clean, happy and well-behaved and the partner when they’re being romantic. We read about achievements, successes and exciting jobs, places they have been to with work, and perks of their jobs.

“What we must remember is they also have rows with their partners, children who throw tantrums, job rejections, books that flop, teenagers who won’t communicate, parents who criticise the way they live their lives and presentations that go wrong, but they don’t tell us about them. While it’s natural to compare and then despair, it isn’t particularly healthy. It lowers our energy and if we stay on that level and give the comparisons so much power, it can ruin our entire day.”

We’re all on the same journey

So how can we observe what goes on in other people’s lives without letting it affect us? Even if we closed down our social media accounts, we’d have to walk around with our eyes closed if we didn’t want to see the success stories around us.

“Give yourself a reality check,” advises Louise. “For a second you may think someone else’s life is perfect and they have more money, more time and better qualifications than you, but deep down you know there is more than meets the eye. We’re all on the same journey, striving for more and trying to achieve more.

“Although material things give us a boost of feel-good endorphins, they’re short-lived. Within a few days that new designer bag and the new widescreen television will have faded into insignificance – true contentment is what we should be focusing on and that’s at a much deeper level.”

Louise recommends that each time we suffer from compare and despair syndrome, we catch our negative thoughts and stop them in their tracks. She explains, “We all have two inner voices, which are opposites. One criticises us, tells us we’re hopeless, we’ll never amount to much, we’re too fat or poor or lazy and we’re not clever enough, while the other encourages us and praises us. Unfortunately the negative voice is usually the stronger.

“The trick is to turn down the volume of the negative inner voice, and turn up the volume on our positive inner voice. If a colleague gets a promotion that you wanted, it’s natural to experience a pang of envy, but then stop yourself from wallowing in self pity, acknowledge the good you have in your life, wish your colleague well and focus on what you can do to get promotion for yourself. That way, you’ll feel in control.”

Doing something nice for someone else is another way to make ourselves feel better and stop getting caught up in our own lives.

“If you’re wound up by something you’ve read or heard about, go and help an elderly neighbour or spend some time with a friend who needs your time or help or take your mum out shopping,” says Louise. “This is called a helper’s high. Just smiling at somebody in the street will make you feel better.

“People who write gratitude journals are happier than those who don’t, so buy a nice book and each day list three or 10 things you’re grateful for in your own life. It could be anything from your partner bringing you a cup of tea to the food you had for your evening meal.

“I also recommend what I call mini moments for when you’re struck down by compare and despair. If you’re at work, take yourself off to a quiet place and use affirmations, such as ‘All is well in my world.’”

One of Louise’s most powerful tips is to describe the emotion you’re feeling at any given time – it could be frustration, envy, bitterness or self-pity, for example.

“I ask people where they feel the emotion – some people feel things in their stomach or chest, while others may experience it in their hands or head,” she says. “Then picture the emotion as a clear shape and take it out of your body and hold it in the palm of your hand. Now imagine how you’re going to get rid of it. One of the favourite ways is to put it in a balloon. Imagine what colour the balloon is, and feel the buoyancy of it, and then let it go, along with your emotion inside. See it floating off, getting smaller and smaller until it’s out of sight.”

Finally, she recommends we use our natural gifts as much as possible, because when we’re living in alignment with our passions, we’re so wrapped up in our own goals and dreams, we’re not as obsessed with other people’s lives.

“If you’re a people person, and you’re cooped up in an office working with figures day in, day out, you’re always going to envy those who tweet about launches they’ve been to or people they’ve coached,” she says. “If you love fashion but work in a library, you’ll get a real case of compare and despair whenever you read about fashion weeks, or shopping trips to Milan.

“If your own life is as fulfilling and exciting as possible, it’s natural to compare, but you won’t despair.”