A few years ago, a well-meaning colleague offered to pray for me to have a child. While I appreciated the gesture, I felt a moral obligation to clarify that I am child-free by choice. The colleague’s face fell, pity turning into utter confusion. Why would I choose not to have a child despite being married for a decade? Is that even a choice?
Many individuals, especially women, who have chosen to be child-free would be familiar with this reaction. The choice to be child-free is often looked upon as a passing phase. Being told that eventually this thought process will change, because motherhood is the natural choice for a woman. Anything else is deviant, selfish and very often stigmatised.
Have [my husband and I] been called selfish? Yes. Did that hurt? Yes, it did for a while. But did we feel lack of fulfilment? No. It is our choice to not have a child for various reasons and we don’t feel obliged to explain.
When individuals have children, it is their choice. It is often a huge milestone in their lives that brings boundless happiness and fulfilment. It is not unfamiliar to come across individuals who describe motherhood or parenthood as one of the most happy and gratifying life experiences. Similarly, when someone chooses to be child-free, it is also a choice. But one that is often scrutinised and even criticised.
Now, shall we edit the narrative?
Moving through the 30s, I saw my friends getting divided into two groups, the majority with children and some who chose to be child-free. Thankfully, my group of friends with children have never made me feel any less than them, based on my choice to be child-free. I have never felt out of place, often planning baby showers and milestone first birthdays of the babies. Barring occasions when at these parties, I got randomly advised by elders on how I mustn’t deprive my spouse and myself of the fulfilment of being parents.
This is where the narrative needs some editing. From economic, environmental, medical and psychological down to preference, there are various reasons why some people are childless, and some choose to be child-free. That does not necessarily impact the level of fulfilment among child-free individuals versus parents and yet-to-be-parents. This was recently indicated by a study conducted by the US-based Michigan State University.
What’s crucial is to understand that individuals who choose to be child-free are not unfulfilled. Much like parenthood is a choice, being child-free is too. Only when the pressure to constantly justify a personal preference and decision dissipates, there will be more empathy and acceptance of the choices that people make to have or not have a child.
“The narrative that a woman is incomplete without a child needs to change,” says India-based content specialist Indrani Ghosh, who is in her 40s and has chosen to be child-free. “I don’t feel incomplete at all. But this is surprising for many, especially because I married late, well into my 30s and people assumed the obvious next step would be pregnancy.
The narrative that a woman is incomplete without a child needs to change. I don’t feel incomplete at all.
“But my husband and I chose to prioritise our couplehood. We chose to build a bond that will make us happy and fulfilled with each other. We chose to pursue our career and creative pursuits. Have we been called selfish? Yes. Did that hurt? Yes, it did for a while. But did we feel lack of fulfilment? No. It is our choice to not have a child for various reasons and we don’t feel obliged to explain.”
Some would argue that all the things that Ghosh is doing such as building a bond with her spouse, pursuing career and creative pursuits can be done even with a child. Many parents are doing all this and more.
But what’s important to understand is that there are people who derive fulfilment from their partners, pets, creative pursuits, choice of career, financial freedom and just how their lives have shaped up, among other things. For such people, fulfilment may not necessarily revolve around a child. Undeniably, for the major section of the world’s population having a child is the natural choice, but that doesn’t indicate people who voluntarily choose to be child-free are less happy. It doesn’t mean they will wake up one day regretting their decision.
“Open and honest conversations are, however, crucial among couples who decide to be child-free. They need to be aligned in their decision. Many a times partners separate, and marriages fail based on this decision if not discussed openly,” Ghosh shares.
Fair warning, is it?
Who will support when you are old if there is no child? That’s the million-dollar question that child-free individuals often get asked, especially in some cultures.
“Being a late child to my parents, I lost my father even before finishing college and had to support my mother emotionally, financially and towards the end of her life even physically. Taking care of older parents is fulfilling but also a huge responsibility, I know it from my experience. And frankly, it could sometimes be unfair on the child. This is also one of the reasons why we didn’t want to have a child. It is a choice we made,” Ghosh says.
“At the same time, it is perfectly alright if individuals and couples decide to start a family at a slightly older age. But I think it is also important to create a financially viable plan to raise the child while planning for their own retirement,” she suggests.
Ghosh’s suggestion is equally applicable for child-free individuals who also must plan carefully for their sunset years, financially, emotionally and health-wise.
Why choice is empowering
To know that there is a choice to have or not have a child is empowering. Only when it is a choice can people make informed decisions without feeling family and societal pressures, which is often the case.
“Although there is no such family or societal pressure in Finland to have a child, by the time we were graduating, most of my friends had already decided to get married, have children and buy their dream home,” says Finland-based Maria S. (name changed on request) who is in her early 50s and child-free by choice. After a long corporate career, Maria is now pursuing academics.
“On the other hand, I wanted to build my career and travel around the world. That was a conscious choice. Even when I got married in my 40s, my partner and I still didn’t feel the need to have a child. I did have a medical condition that could have made childbirth slightly complicated. But even if it had not been the case, we would still choose to be child-free,” she shares. “And we don’t feel as if something is missing or less fulfilled. We have found happiness in our pets, careers and several other things.”
Maria, however, pointed towards the troubling trend of record low birth rates in some Nordic countries, including Finland, as indicated by the State of the Nordic Region report. “There could be many reasons for this including economic and career driven choices leading to delayed parenthood that could sometimes result in medical complications or the choice to be child-free.
I have some friends who have regretted their decision to have a child for various reasons.
“And the choice to be child-free requires as much clarity of thought as does the decision to start a family. I have some friends who have regretted their decision to have a child for various reasons. At the same time, I also have friends who have undergone years of treatments yet couldn’t have a child. Miscarriages have also happened. Some have coped well with their situation, while others are troubled, sometimes even those with a child.”
Motherhood or parenthood is beautiful journey for many, while for some it is not a natural choice. Therein having a choice means that more people who genuinely want will have a child, not because they should. This will also eventually lead to more acceptance of single parents, which is relatively new and riddled with challenges in certain parts of the world. On the other hand, women who are unable to have a child despite wanting and trying will perhaps not feel inadequate. Finally, those who choose to be child-free will not be constantly judged and mistrusted for their preference and will find more acceptance.
