As a child, you love hearing secrets. It's an invitation to power and wonder.
For adults? Not so much. It can be the harbinger of stress and turmoil.
As most of us agree, sometimes, ignorance truly is bliss when it comes to life's burdensome secrets. They can be a pressure-cooker of stress, especially if it can spark a full-blown conflict. Before you know it, you're caught in a web of deceit, trying to cover up one lie with a dozen more. For instance, Abu Dhabi-based Ayeesha Malhotra, an accountant was in a moral quandary, when she struggled to cover up for a friend who made a rather career threatening mistake at work, once. On the other hand, Leona Gardiner (name changed on request), a Dubai-based British expat, found herself in a pickle when she hid her promotion from her husband who had just lost his job, only to face his hurt when he found out later.
Secret-keeping can lead to a rather frazzled tapestry of lies, emotional turmoil and half-truths, affecting the mind and the body. As Geetanjali Dave, a Dubai-based psychologist explains that you weigh every word that you utter, monitor your conversations and keep track of the white lies that slowly build up. A simple question can lead you into trouble, as it demands careful evasion or outright deception.
And so, the lies pile up, creating a mental maze that your brain must navigate.
The cognitive load
Neuroscience has shed some clear insights into the repercussions that heavy secrecy carries.
Kara Khalil, a Dubai-based neuropsychologist explains, “There is a significant cognitive load on the brain, depending on the nature of the secret. When you constantly ruminate about the information that you have to withhold, you might not realise it immediately, but your energy is significantly drained. The frontoparietal network (FPN), which supports cognitive control and executive functions, plays a crucial role in the process.”
How so? Well, keeping a secret requires active maintenance of information in working memory, explains Khalid. The FPN holds the information in the mind, which is essential for suppressing thoughts related to the secret. It is also involved in directing attention to relevant information. When maintaining a secret, people need to constantly monitor their thoughts and speech to avoid accidental slip-ups, requiring significant attentional control. So, the FPN must juggle remembering the secret, which involves the working memory, constantly scanning for potential slip-ups and making split-second decisions on how to respond, which ties into decision-making.
So, as a result, the brain has fewer resources available for other cognitive tasks that require focus and attention. Khalid adds, “The person finds it difficult to concentrate on tasks such as reading, studying or work projects. The mind keeps wandering back to the secret, interrupting the flow of thought.” When the attentional resources are diminished, it becomes easier to forget appointments, names and details, leading to brewing frustration. Needless to say, if the person determinedly keeps such a secret, their concentration and focus goes for a toss, and they find it longer to complete tasks, leading to reduced productivity at work, school, work or home, resulting in an overall dissatisfaction with life.
The mental energy expended on maintaining a secret creates a cognitive bottleneck, hindering the brain’s ability to perform optimally on other tasks too.
The burden of secrecy
Another brain region that experiences enormous amount of strain during secret-keeping, is the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which is involved in conflict monitoring and resolution. “So, when someone is holding on to a secret, they are often experiencing internal conflict. This conflict arises from the tension between the desire to reveal the secret and the need to maintain it,” explains Dave. In other words, you really want to let someone in on what you know, but you also can't, and that frustration gnaws at you.
The ACC is tasked with mediating this battle, constantly on alert for potential mistakes and making decisions. This relentless mental effort can lead to chronic anxiety and emotional strain.
The emotional havoc
How do you keep a calm face when lying to hide a secret?
Abu Dhabi resident Arunima Jaiswal, a homemaker chuckles as she recounts the anxiety-ridden clandestine meetings with her partner, hidden from her conservative parents. “Oh, it was stressful. I created the wildest excuses inventing office trips, work off sites, for travelling to Delhi from Mumbai, to see my partner at that time. I am not good at lying, so I would often stumble over my words, and my face looked awkwardly flushed,” she says. The nervousness would often seep into their rendezvous, and she was always looking around: What if some distant relative saw them and told her parents?
The secret was out when she once met him in Mumbai at the beach; her mother chose that day to relax by the sea and walked straight into them. “Oh, I didn’t hear the end of it,” she laughs.
That’s thing about secrets: They come with messy, unregulated emotions, too, hence the ‘flushed’ face and anxious stumbling over words.
As Dave explains, the limbic network, which is responsible for integrating emotional information, plays a crucial role in processing fear associated with keeping secrets. When a secret is concealed, the amygdala, the brain's fear center, is activated, triggering the release of stress hormones like cortisol. This physiological response manifests as anxiety and unease. Neurotransmitters such as serotonin and norepinephrine, crucial for emotional regulation, also play a significant role in this complex interplay. The constant threat of exposure coupled with the difficulty of managing these negative emotions can have a profound impact on mental well-being, as Dave points out.
Thinking about a secret is just as harmful as hiding it
Sometimes, you really don’t want to be the only one carrying the knowledge of a burdensome secret. It feels isolating: You feel alone.
A 2019 survey at US-based Columbia University attempted to understand the toll of secrecy. Their research revealed that the vast majority of people harbour at least one secret, with an average of thirteen secrets. These secrets range from personal preferences to deeply troubling betrayals, such as infidelity or breaches of trust. They also found a striking correlation: The more frequently people pondered their secrets, the lower their reported well-being.
The follow-up research further studied the harmful acts of secrecy, noting that the mere act of ruminating over a secret, rather than actively concealing it, is detrimental to well-being. The study found something else too: While sharing a secret can provide temporary relief, it doesn’t necessarily reduce the need for concealment. However, it significantly decreases obsessive thoughts about the secret. Explaining this phenomenon, Dave adds, “There is relief, when you finally share a delicate secret with someone. It’s the conversation that follows, which helps the person. You receive emotional support, guidance and advice. So, the secret is transformed from a burdensome weight into a manageable challenge. It reduces the constant need for rumination, and fosters a healthier outlook.”
Khalid explains further the relief behind confiding secrets, “Unburdening yourself through shared secrets, whether with a familiar face or a stranger, can be immensely liberating and reduces stress. This emotional release triggers a positive shift in the brain, characterised by increased oxytocin levels and a marked decrease in cognitive load.”
Sometimes, there might be more relief when you share a secret with a stranger: You might never see them again, as both the psychologists say. “Apart from being non-judgemental and impartial, they might just be the perfect secret-keepers, as you might never see them again,” concludes Dave.
