Nikita Bhatnagar: Fostering lasting relationship

In adulthood, avoidant attachment leads to viewing intimacy as threatening, not comforting

Last updated:
Krita Coelho, Editor
2 MIN READ
Nikita Bhatnagar, Psychologist at Connect Psychology
Nikita Bhatnagar, Psychologist at Connect Psychology

I’ve noticed a pattern where I push people away the moment relationships get too close, even with friends. I want to change this, but I don’t know where to start. What’s causing this, and how can I work through it?

What you are describing is a common relationship pattern that a lot of people face, and your awareness of this pattern is the first step towards change.

This behaviour often stems from underlying emotional patterns developed early in life that shape your attachment style. For example, if you experienced inconsistency, emotional unavailability, or loss in childhood relationships (whether it was with your parents, family, or early friendships) you might have learned, consciously or subconsciously, that closeness is unsafe or that vulnerability leads to pain and disappointment. In adulthood, this can translate into what’s known as avoidant attachment, where intimacy feels threatening rather than comforting.

Another contributing factor may be fear of abandonment or fear of rejection. Pushing others away can be a defence mechanism: “If I create distance first, I won’t have to feel the pain of being left or hurt.” You reject them/push them away before they have a chance to reject you. Unfortunately, while this strategy may feel protective in the moment, it serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy and often leads to the very loneliness or disconnection you’re trying to avoid.

So how can you begin to work through this?

  1. Build self-awareness: Journaling or reflecting on your reactions when relationships get close can help. What specific feelings come up? Do you notice tension, fear, or an urge to withdraw? Recognising and naming these emotions is the first step.

  2. Explore the root cause: Working with a psychologist can help you trace these patterns back to their roots. Understanding why you do something gives you the power to make different choices.

  3. Practice tolerating vulnerability: Emotional closeness can feel like a threat if you have had negative experiences in the past. Start small and practice staying present in moments of connection instead of avoiding or trying to escape. You can try opening up slightly more in a safe friendship and notice how that feels.

  4. Challenge your beliefs: Often, there’s an internal narrative like “people will leave if they really know me” or “i’ll get hurt if I get too close.” Therapy helps identify and challenge these beliefs, so they no longer drive your behaviour.

Changing this pattern won’t happen overnight, but it is possible with consistent reflection and effort.

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