Mind your manners: how to talk money and win

You may know your salad fork from your oyster fork, but when it comes to money manners the rules are more complicated to pin down: Ask someone directly how much they earn and you might get a raised eyebrow and a snappy retort — questions about spending and salary are simply considered rude or awkward.

"Finance is the final frontier — we talk freely about relationships and dieting, but money is still taboo," says Alexa von Tobel, founder and CEO of financial website LearnVest.com.

The UAE is a country of expatriates where many people come to advance their careers or increase their income, so money manners are more relaxed, local experts say. With the global financial crisis pinching wallets everywhere, money is a big issue on everyone's mind and it pays off to break the social rules and talk about it. Stepping into this financial maze of money etiquette might just lead you to unexpected treasures if you ask the right questions in the right way.

Asking a co-worker or friend about their salary, rent, or cost of a designer handbag can shed light on financial expectations, inside deals, and cautionary rip-offs.

Sometimes the unspoken rules of privacy about money are there to protect us. But they also end up protecting those bosses, retailers and landlords looking to profit from our ignorance.

"There is no question about the reality of that. Transparency is the enemy of those companies who seek to maximise profits at the cost of the consumer. Ignorance is not bliss for the consumer, but it enables companies to make more than reasonable profits," said Steve Gregory, managing partner at Holborn Assets, a financial advisory firm in Dubai.

Having the money talk is good research for tenants and employees to avoid "being ripped-off" by landlords and employers, according to Craig Holding, financial adviser and associate director of Acuma Wealth Management.

"Employees can find out their worth [on the job market] for themselves. If you don't do research you're open to abuse," he said.

"Back in Western countries people are a little more guarded, but here everyone is an expat so they are trying to gauge what people are paying for rent and expenses," he added. "It's big conversation around the dinner table."

Finding out how much others are earning or paying for rent can open up new opportunities for cheaper housing or wage negotiations when you get an idea of the range in the market.

"Certainly sharing information can be beneficial because friends and relatives will want to help when they can, perhaps with career prospects or personal knowledge which can improve someone's circumstances," said Gregory.

Many Emirati employees and jobseekers actively share job information to compare which government body or authority is offering better pay, according to Ali Al Saloom, Abu Dhabi-based cultural consultant and writer. "Some will jump into the new place or start to apply right away."

Letting other people into your financial realm can earn you a sympathetic ear and even make some relationships stronger.

"Certainly, empathy and compassion — helping others — is a benefit to everyone involved. Sharing experiences is good. So much depends upon relationships when it comes to "fessing up" or asking others. Very close relationships can — but not always — lead to more openness," Peggy Post, director of the US-based etiquette empire Emily Post Institute, told Gulf News by e-mail.

Drawing your red line

Before you get too comfortable financially baring it all, realise that some information is always off-limits.

Never share credit card information, card pin numbers, answers to questions that banks may ask you such as the name of your pet or your mother's maiden name, and any passwords, financial advisers say.

"Share information only with those you trust and feel comfortable sharing with. Don't share with strangers, especially via the internet or with a phone solicitor unless all has been checked out. Share only with a reputable organisation and for a good reason such as renting, applying for a loan, and so on," said Post.

How much do you make?

It's one of the most awkward questions you can ask in a professional culture but it is well worth asking. If you are trying to enter a new industry, salary information from a friend in the field is more useful than published statistics. You benefit from knowing inside information on opportunities for development in the company, job responsibilities, and specifics about the employer. While blurring the line between friendship and work can be difficult, asking a peer to be a mentor can guarantee disclosure.

"You can get a gauge of where you sit financially compared to everyone else, below or above average, then decide if you need to chat with your boss about a pay rise or reduce your expenses," said Holding.

If you are earning less than others you can question that, if you earn more it is a consolation, and it shows you if you need to start putting money in shoeboxes, he added.

But before you embark on this honesty session, make sure you cover your bases.

Some companies have official rules about discussing salary specifics and in some cases it is a sackable offence. Make sure you read the fine print in your contract.

How much do you pay for rent?

What is a good deal and what is a rip-off? You could go from one end of Dubai to the other for your ideal home but the real school comes from asking friends about their own setup. Most people can relate to the problems of finding affordable housing and the odds are a friend will want to help you out.

"People take pride in the fact that they found a bargain. They can also be angry if they feel disadvantaged. So rental rates are often the subject of discussion and often lead to people choosing to move for a better deal," said Gregory.

He noted that exchanging information is particularly useful now as many residents changed houses in the past year to reduce expenses or rent a larger property at the same cost as their previous home.

Find out if they have negotiated their rent, paid any cash up front, or can recommend a source to find a similar deal.

Outdated attitudes?

Finding money questions rude or offensive and dodging answers may have been proper last century, but in 2010 it pays to break the rules, experts say.

"Times change. It's understandable that many people have money on their minds, plus the taboo is pretty much removed from general (not overly personal) discussions about money. Thus, it's best if people are not offended," said Post. "Money — economic survival — is very much on people's minds. It's OK to discuss money as an everyday topic these days like groceries, going out to dinner, housing, airfares. When the talk gets too personal, that's the time to back off."

Gauging how personal is "too personal" rests on your own privacy barometer.

Culture-specifics

In general, many Arabs tend to be more open about money than Westerners, according to Al Saloom.

"For years in Arab heritage talking about it was a sign of pride, if you have good fortune or wealth you tell people about it because it gives you responsibility to give back to the community. Otherwise you'd be greedy," he said. This openness depends on the nature of the relationship you have with the person, the level of trust, the way they frame the questions, and the intentions behind the question, he added.

"In our own society, nothing is hidden. If you have this degree, you get this much salary. The earning is clear," he said, referring to government sector jobs for Emiratis.

But such transparency is a quickly changing attitude among young Emiratis in the private sector, Al Saloom noted. "[They] are influenced by Western culture and are conservative about sharing money information. This has become the norm in the past few years."

The factor of hassad, or envy and fear of the evil eye, also makes people hesitant to talk too openly about their finances, he added.

Consider the cultural context of the people you talk money with, he advises. "Arabs are very curious about each other's finances," said Eiman Ashkanani, 39 a Kuwaiti computer engineer. "I always say curiosity killed the cat!"

Ashkanani answers questions about salary honestly "even though it's none of their business" because she is embarrassed to give a figure, she said.

Australians are more reserved about money and consider it rude for friends to probe into their income, said Nada Zubela, a Dubai resident and Australian citizen.

"It is offensive because you get pigeon-holed into a certain social standing or class."

For many Indians, money questions are a sure way to get ahead, said Richa Kumar, 27, an Indian tourist to Dubai.

"In India people are strongly bonded, so they compare each other's status and money. If my cousin-brother did well in a certain way, we'd go the same way for development," she said. "Competition arises because they want to grow more."