Who starts the cycle of pain, parents or children?

Abu Dhabi-based single mum Anya Parker (name changed on request) is filled with regrets. She wishes that she could repair her relationship with her 20-year-old daughter, who is now studying in another country. “I lost my husband, when she was only five-year-old. And in that state of mind, I didn’t really understand her misbehaviour at that age. I thought she was just making life difficult for me and her teachers,” recalls Park.

Bitterness washed over their home for years. Parker’s daughter said that she couldn’t really understand her mother, and would speak bluntly, trigger her further. So she fought back, which would hurt her in turn. “We were just treading a minefield. Everything was a trigger,” recalls Parker.

And now, she has to reconcile to broken pieces of what was once a happy relationship. “I couldn’t see past my rage, and neither could she,” she says.

Oh triggers. A moment where you just see red. Rationality goes for a toss, and rage, anxiety suffocates you. And quite often it doesn’t matter who it is, whether it’s your best friend or a six-year-old, you feel unstoppable in your thoughts and words for a few seconds, or maybe few minutes, till you need to take a while.

But often, the damage is done. And perhaps, when it comes to relationships between parents and children, time can be cruel and unforgiving. The wounds don’t heal easily.

Why do parents get triggered?

Dubai-based parent-child therapist Shakila John explains that there are countless reasons why a parent might feel angered by their child without any apparent cause. “It’s unfortunate because it reflects unresolved baggage. It’s unhealthy, as it leads them to lash out at a child for no real fault of theirs, damaging a relationship that is still developing,” she says.

For example, a parent might feel threatened if they see their child opening up to someone else more than to them. Instead of addressing the issue directly, they react—fears and insecurities bubbling to the surface, possibly reigniting past experiences where they felt ignored or unappreciated. In a panic, they might ban the child from seeing that person, causing the child to grow fearful, and setting off their own triggers that carry into adulthood.

Children can "trigger" parents in numerous ways—ignoring them when friends are around, throwing food away, or reminding them of past mistakes. One Dubai-based mum, who prefers to remain anonymous, recalls how her six-year-old son once snapped at her, saying he didn’t like her food. “It hurt, and I was brutal with my scolding. That scolding came more from my own hurt than from any desire to reprimand him. And there’s a strong difference between the two.”

 As John explains, “Children are children. Sometimes, they will yell, challenge, and misbehave, testing limits and patience. If they say something that hurts the parent, the parent needs to take a step back and consider how to react. Your first reaction is crucial.”

Scolding versus reprimanding: What’s the difference?

John elaborates on the difference between scolding and reprimanding: “It’s all about choosing your words carefully, and you, yourself, understanding why you are scolding them. Are you scolding them because you want them to behave better, or are you scolding them, because they touched a nerve?”

And if it’s the last, parents often get so angry in the moment that they unleash their fury with words like ‘Don’t you dare!’ or ‘You are just…’ and so on. But in that triggered state, you're leaving scars. When you scold them, control your emotions and explain why their behaviour is wrong and hurtful.”

The teenagers problem

Worse, even they grow up to be teenagers, these triggers from both sides pile up and turns explosive, if left unaddressed. “Most of the time, your teenager will trigger you.  Sometimes, lying to be with their friends, or telling you to give them space. It will hurt, and no doubt, you are faced with the anxiety that your child is growing distant from you,” explains Dubai-based psychologist, Ramya Krishna.

And that fear is compounded during the teenage years. They will demand autonomy, fight, and want their own space, be with their own friends rather than family. “It is normal to feel upset with that. Acknowledge those feelings for sure. But, also, you have to understand too, that a lot of empathy, patience and firmness is needed at this time,” says Krishna. “ But if you want to preserve the bond, you need a mix of empathy, patience, and consistent, calm boundaries. Otherwise, you end up in a house where everyone is speaking in rage and silence.”

“From what I’ve seen with clients, when a parent constantly lives in some cloud of fear, it affects the children deeply, from the way they speak, their behavioural patterns, down to the minute details of just their daily functioning,” says John. “Finally, they just want to keep a distance from these triggers, and it’s a very painful reality for the parents.”

So, who triggers whom?

The truth is—it’s not one or the other. It’s both.

Parents trigger children. Children trigger parents.

But the responsibility to break the cycle often lies with the adult. With the one who has more tools, more insight, and ideally, more emotional regulation. When a child says something hurtful, they're often expressing a need, confusion, or frustration they can't yet articulate. But when an adult says something hurtful—especially in anger—it becomes harder for a child to forget, or heal.

And that’s the real question:

Can we pause, breathe, and respond—before the trigger becomes a wound?