“I told my son that he ‘lost’ access to his devices for a day as a consequence of some kind of misbehaviour. When I found him watching something on his iPad the next day I said nothing, because of course I did not remember what I said the day before,” Polish expat Anna Kaminski says, talking about one of the challenges of being a mum with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
“Consistency is tricky for parents with ADHD and this is one reason, our poor memory,” she explains.
The Abu Dhabi-based mum of three says she has a psychology background, and it was while she did her thesis on ADHD and mindfulness that she began to feel that some of the signs were all too familiar. So she headed to a psychiatrist; the diagnosis was confirmed. She was 35 years old at the time.
Adult ADHD affects about 2.8 per cent of the world’s adult population, states the US- based ADHD Institute. The symptoms are not much different to those of childhood ADHD, but they may differ in presentation.
Disorganisation and problems prioritising
Poor time management skills
Problems focusing on a task
Trouble multitasking
Excessive activity or restlessness
Poor planning
Low frustration tolerance
Frequent mood swings
Problems following through and completing tasks
Hot temper
Trouble coping with stress
Source: Mayo Clinic
It’s been about seven years since then. Kaminski, who is an ADHD coach, says the disorder looks more muted in adults, either because the symptom has dimmed with age or because they’ve had time to strategise and find ways to counter any issues that prop up. “Like, physical hyperactivity that might be seen in children … it tends to subside with age. But generally speaking, people continue to have ADHD in their adulthood and they use their own coping strategies to deal with their difficulties. They also learn what ADHD is, how it impacts their lives, and they learn how their brain works, so they get to anticipate the difficulties they might have and make provisions for that.
“We just learn to live with the brain that we have,” she laughs.
This planning comes with time, structure and determination – when you have a child, it changes everything. “Parenting is affected hugely by ADHD,” says Kaminski, “ADHD affects our ability to self-regulate; to regulate our thinking, to regulate our emotions, to regulate attention, to regulate behaviour and all of that. In a household where there is a child, those executive functions are stretched because you are now responsible for another person so there are extra things to organise, remember, routines to manage.”
And kids are unpredictable – and without warning a parent may have to contend with medical or emotional or insomnia emergencies. “A very, very big thing is that there’s less rest. For a lot of parents there’s insufficient sleep and insufficient self-care – eating, resting, exercise - it means that you just more challenged and your ADHD symptoms become more pronounced.”
Kaminski explains that ADHD affects the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive functions such as attention, motivation and working memory. This part of the brain is greatly affected by a lack of sleep and an onslaught of stress – two things that tend to be constantly knocking at your door as a new parent.
Dealing with triggers
While kids might trip a neutrotypical parent into angry territory – for an ADHD parent, that emotional balance is even tougher to find. “So, children often put you in situations where you are emotionally triggered. And especially when you layer insufficient rest and sleep. All of us experience that – you are extra reactive when you are tired. It’s happened to me many times,” she admits.
“Difficulty regulating emotional responses is part of ADHD – and this is not something that is not mentioned in the diagnostic criteria for ADHD,” she adds.
When Kaminski was first diagnosed, she took some medication. “It worked, then it stopped working, so I didn’t take medication for many years. I started again, recently,” she says.
In the meantime, she tried the following strategies:
Education and understanding. “I work as an ADHD coach, I speak to a lot of people who have ADHD – adults and teenagers and children sometimes, too. It’s important to be aware of what it is and how it works, because it helps us to understand the nuance of how it affects our lives or we’d see ourselves as lazy or unintelligent and all sorts of things like that. Which is not the case,” she explains.
Self-care. “Exercise is a huge thing for people with ADHD – this is because it impacts the functioning of the pre-frontal cortex – it changes the chemistry of the brain; it increases dopamine and creates a chemical concoction in a body that just helps the body to function more optimally,” she says.
Meditation. She says that just like exercise, meditation changes the chemical response of the brain. It helps some of the ADHD symptoms.
“It doesn’t mean the ADHD goes away because I exercise – it’s not a treatment, but it’s one of those things that can help,” says Kaminski.
‘Take the diagnosis seriously’
And you do need help, she says. “ADHD is serious and it needs to be addressed. Many times you hear people saying, everybody has ADHD – this is not true; we all get distracted sometimes, but it’s not as impairing as it is to someone who has ADHD,” she says.
This is a medical condition, she stresses. “It is not caused by things like the food they eat or the parenting they are given. Those things of course impact a person’s life but they do not cause ADHD,” says Kaminski.
She adds that many people with the disorder don’t seem to realise that if you do have ADHD, the odds of your progeny having it go up. ”ADHD is very hereditary. Many parents who have ADHD have kids who have ADHD and, of course, a child with ADHD is more challenging than one who doesn’t have it,” she says.
Yet, she says, there is always hope – and fun – to be found. Having a family member with ADHD is sometimes challenging, but there are some benefits too:
- Energetic: “We have lots of energy,” she says.
- Creative, out-of-the-box thinkers.
- Passionate: “We dive deep into topics/ activities we enjoy,” she explains.
- Curious: “We love to learn new things,” she adds.
- Sense of humour
- Empathy and kindness: “We love to help and support,” she says.
- Social: “We seek meaningful connections,” she laughs.
Who you are will determine how you parent of course, but that’s not a bad thing – it just depends on your perspective.
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