Can neglect ever be benign? Celebrity mums, influencers and psychologists, all seem to have an opinion. ‘Benign neglect; is apparently the ‘best parenting trend in 2024’, if you read one website, or ‘an excuse for absentee parenting’, if you scroll through TikTok.
But what exactly is Benign Parenting, why is everyone talking about it, and could it do you some good to take a lesson or two from the philosophy? Let’s find out.
The ‘good-enough’ mum
In a blog post for Psychology Today, American psychotherapist Michael J. Formica, traced the ‘benign neglect’ parenting style back to the work of Swiss psychoanalyst Alice Miller, who proposed three parenting archetypes – the good mother, the bad mother and the good-enough mother.
Today, you might be able to spot the ‘good mother’ in the helicopter parent who tries to fill out their child’s day with ‘engaging activities’ or the ‘bad mother’ as one that is an authoritarian or a negligent parent. But it’s that ‘good-enough’ mother, the parent who does just enough to support the child, while allowing them the space and time to explore and learn from their own experiences, which seems to hit the sweet spot, according to Formica.
“It is a not a new concept,” Joelle Najm, a licenced counselling psychologist at Dubai’s The Developing Child Centre, told Gulf News.
“It has been discussed in various forms over the years, however it is not as well-known as the other styles of parenting like authoritarian, authoritative or permissive. Basically, it is a parenting style or approach that is characterised by a hands-off approach, where parents allow their children to earn independence and learn from their own experience,” she said.
it is a parenting style or approach that is characterised by a hands-off approach, where parents allow their children to earn independence and learn from their own experience.
A trending discussion
In an interview in November 2023 with the Today show in the US, Hollywood actress Jennifer Garner made a passing mention of this style of parenting, when she said: “I want to be around. But I also think it’s okay if they suffer from a little bit of benign neglect, where their lives are their own. I’m not trying to live their life, and I don’t mind that they see that I love mine.”
American Author Chantal Panozzo, who lived in Switzerland for 10 years before returning to the US, has also publically spoken about the shock of witnessing overbearing parents in the US, compared to what she had observed among the Swiss. Her choice to allow her seven-year-old daughter to walk five block to the school each day on her own was not well-received by her neighbours either, some of whom offered to take her daughter to school instead.
Despite the popular discourse on social media, though, the experts who spoke with Gulf News said that the term may be confusing at best, and harmful at worst. Najm, for example, prefers the term ‘nurtured independence’.
“While I don’t use this expression myself, benign refers to the harmless nature of the parenting style, while neglect means not smothering someone with attention or our presence. Nurtured independence is what I would like to call it, as you are giving them some independence to have control over their lives,” she said.
But why has this term suddenly come in to the public discourse? According to Joelle, one of the reasons could be the trend of parents, especially working mums, overcompensating for the ‘mum’s guilt’ with hypervigilance.
“When we are with the children, we thing that we need to be smother them with our attention, feeling like we are not there for our child. Why more parents are adopting this style is because research shows that what children need the most is validation, which is what this parenting style allows them to get. I think what is important for parents is to release some of the control and more importantly, find a balance between providing the necessary support while also allowing children the freedom to explore and grow independently. Instead, parents should also focus on their own happiness and well-being as this will only benefit their own family. If you put less pressure on your child and focus on your own well-being, everybody benefits,” she added.
Dr Habib Abdullah, a paediatric clinical psychologist at Mubadala Health Dubai and Danat Al Emarat Hospital, on the other hand, is a proponent of “the gentle art of benign parenting”, claiming that neglect is never intentional or positive.
“Parenting styles have changed over time, influenced by cultural shifts, psychological research and societal norms. One notable approach is benign parenting, which focuses on creating a nurturing, supportive and non-intrusive environment for children. This style promotes independence, self-esteem, and emotional health, helping children develop into well-adjusted and resilient adults,” said.
“It is based on the idea that children do best when they feel safe, heard and appreciated. It promotes open communication, attentive listening and empathy. Benign parents seek to guide rather than control, creating a space that allows children to grow into their unique selves and develop problem-solving skills,” he added.
Nurturing independence
The concept of hands-off parenting can benefit both parents and children, by setting more realistic and healthy standards for both.
“Benign parenting isn’t about being perfect, it's about being present, understanding, and loving. It’s about guiding children with kindness and helping them grow into compassionate and confident individuals,” Dr Abdullah said.
Benign parenting isn’t about being perfect, it's about being present, understanding, and loving. It’s about guiding children with kindness and helping them grow into compassionate and confident individuals.
How do I improve my approach?
For parents eager to adopt benign parenting, Dr. Abdullah suggests starting with the basics: Ensure your child’s safety, shelter and education. Moreover, every child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. Benign parenting requires a flexible and adaptive approach, constantly evolving to meet the child’s developmental needs. Teaching self-regulation skills is crucial, as children should learn to manage frustration and solve problems independently.
“Effective communication is essential so that children know they can approach their parents if they encounter issues they cannot resolve on their own. Checking in periodically, without constant supervision, helps maintain a balance between independence and support,” he said.
Some ways in which you can add this hands-off approach to your style of parenting is by quietly giving children the space to make their own decisions when it comes to the everyday things in their lives, according to Joelle.
“For younger children, this would mean encouraging your child to let them choose their clothes for the day. For older children, it means allowing them to manage their own time or activity, whether it means walking to the grocery store or library alone, or not checking in on their homework constantly. It obviously has to take into consideration what the child is capable of doing, but the idea is to not immediately rush to their rescue when they face a challenge. This is what fosters resilience and helps them develop their own coping mechanisms. It builds self-confidence and self-esteem and can also encourage creative thinking and imagination,” she added.
However, she balances her advice with caution that parents should practice.
“You need to really know your child, get to know more about their strengths and preferences and character and the areas they find difficult. Also, educate yourself as there is a lot of research available for parents. Also, I would tell parents to follow their gut feeling, but most importantly, ensure that you are able to balance between providing the necessary support and allowing your children to grow independently and giving them some control. Release some of the control and focus on your own well-being, too, because if you are happy, your children are happy,” she said.
