How to talk to kids about divorce or separation before the holidays

Holidays can be notoriously tough on families going through divorce – the kids usually get one parent for the ‘big celebration’ of Christmas/New Year’s and sometimes, that’s with a plus one. First-time separated grown-up wondering how to explain it to the young-ones? Here are some tips from Maida Kajevic, Psychologist, German Neuroscience Center.

Explain the situation - together: It’s a difficult task to explain that the team is breaking up, but it’s best for the mum and dad to be on the same page for this discussion – this will ensure that no words or explanations are muddled up during delivery and that everyone leaves with a uniform account. “Although it is not always possible, usually it is the best to tell your children about the decision to divorce or separate together as parents. If a family has more than one child, the advice is that all children should be present so they can support each other,” adds Kajevic.

Don’t play the blame game: Kids tend to blame themselves when the adults in the house argue – more so when they separate. It’s important to reiterate – as many times as it takes for them to believe you – that it’s not on them. Kajevic adds: “The most important thing is to convince your children that you still love them and that divorce is not their fault.” Another landmine to avoid studiously is blaming each other. “What's important is not to blame your partner in front of child for being guilty of divorce,” she says.

Have an age-appropriate conversation: Tailor your language to your children's age, maturity and personality, says Kajevic. This is not the time to introduce new or abstract concepts to the little ones – that must come with time.

How to deal with the whys: Children will ask a lot of questions and your best bet to not overreact or be overwhelmed is to anticipate these and have answers in place. ”The first questions will be about the reason for the separation and may be, "why don't you love each other anymore?, etc.”. It's not a good idea to share the in-depth details for the divorce with the children, but it's okay to explain that you no longer agree, that you tried everything to overcome certain differences but that the relationship has changed, and that this is the best decision for the whole family,” she says.

Discuss the plan of action: Life is about to change a whole lot – and not just for you; respect that. “Tell them what the plan would be (if possible, of course); who will decide their routines, where they will live, who will drive to school, drive to training, etc.,” says Kajevic.

Reassure, reassure, reassure: When the tide of emotions washes over the kids, it’s important that you be their rock, to tell them that your love for them will never waiver. “Constantly reassure children that you both love them as parents,” she says.

Final decision: “It is necessary to make it clear to them that your decision is final (if it really is). Do not leave any false hope that would look like the children could fix the situation,” says Kajevic. They can’t influence your decision – and that’s an important thing for them to realise. Consistency is key.

Pick the favourite parent: Never put your child in this tough spot. What you must not do is to ask children to choose one of the parents. When they are with the children, a temporary ceasefire should be made even if you disagree with each other as adults. Keep them involved in all the decisions you make, so that they have a sense of control within the boundaries you set, adds Kajevic.

Introducing the new variable: No matter when that happens and how long it has been since the divorce, children should be told carefully that you have someone new. They need it explaining that this new person won't replace mum or dad. In order to make it easier for a child to adapt, it is important to gradually introduce a new adult into his life, taking care of how much it suits the child to spend time with his parent and his new partner. “During the holidays especially take care of the child's habits and traditions. A new partner and partner's family may have different habits. Arranging timetables makes it extremely easy to satisfy both the child and the partner's needs,” she adds.