Leaving home for the first time to pursue higher studies is a period of transition for both teenagers and their parents. Selecting the country, college and course, adjusting to a new environment, and doing things independently can be exciting but also daunting. So, what can parents do to mindfully help their teenagers confidently transition to a new life stage?
Let’s start with the basics
Many parents consciously teach children basic tasks such as cleaning, laundry and fixing a quick meal, so they can be self-sufficient to a certain degree even before leaving home.
“Through their school life I encouraged both my sons to take responsibilities and learn how to be organised, punctual and finish tasks in time to balance their family, academic and social lives,” said Dubai-based Croatian expat Dada Jurec. Her sons, now aged 20 and 23, spent all their life in Dubai before moving to the UK to pursue further studies at the age of 18. “Moving to the UK enhanced their independence to succeed not only academically but also become more self-sufficient and compassionate individuals.”
Despite gaining some practical skills under their mother’s guidance, the boys faced initial challenges while doing their own washing, cleaning and cooking. “I tried to teach them basic things like separating colour and white clothes while doing laundry. How to clean floors, surfaces, kitchen and bathrooms as well as some basic cooking. But they were not particularly enthusiastic about doing these chores while at home. Having said that, after a few weeks of remote guidance and ‘help’ from YouTube, they managed alright.”
Dubai-based Indian expat Romi Banerjee, a mother of two pointed out, “It’s highly recommended to learn some basic tasks like cooking and cleaning, but a lot depends on the interest of every child. Our elder daughter was always interested in cooking so she learnt on her own even before leaving for Italy when she was 19. But the younger one, who left for Canada two years ago at 18, learnt to do basic cooking only during the pandemic last year as she stayed at home for a few months.”
“Irrespective of them leaving home for the first time to pursue higher studies, as part of parenting, we’ve always stressed more on things like never giving in to peer pressure around materialistic stuff or more serious issues like creating toxic standards of body image. We’ve consciously tried to teach them to be more compassionate over [being] competitive,” she added.
Support with logistics
Every individual who has ever left home to study or work will agree that packing is often a tedious task. Besides the necessary documents, there are so many things to consider including bedsheets, towels, toiletries, stationeries, packed food and medicines.
“From personal experience, I can say that getting as much information as possible about accommodation, existing amenities, storage arrangement and so on comes in handy,” Jurec suggested. “A few weeks before moving to the UK, I assisted my sons [in] putting together the ‘university packing list’ that included stationeries, essentials for bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, cleaning, laundry as well as a medicine kit containing bandages, antiseptic wipes, cold and flu medicine. Additionally, we also gathered information on how to obtain a UK mobile number, open a bank account and register for NHS (National Health Service) number.”
“Helping our daughters shop for essentials was more of a fun activity for us, one that also helped us to gradually take the transition in our stride,” added Banerjee who believes in a hands-off approach. “However, we let them figure out things like booking a ticket online, opening a bank account, getting in-country travel passes and so on. I feel as if nowadays children are more aware and faster than us in these aspects.”
Teach them to budget
Lessons around financial planning should start early so that children are familiar with basic budgeting. Learning what a monthly allowance must cover is usually a good starting point.
There are some simple exercises to teach children how to budget, pointed out South African expat Louisa Burden, a mother of two and a Rapid Transformational Therapy coach and confidence mentor. “Give them money, let’s say Dh100, and ask them to buy ingredients to prepare a family dinner. Help them get to the supermarket but don’t interfere in their shopping. If they can stick to the mentioned budget, appreciate them. It will help them to do grocery shopping while sticking to a budget. Practical and simple tasks like withdrawing money from the ATM and making payments online are highly recommended too.”
Much before going to university, Jurec’s sons were already managing their monthly budget. “We always knew that our sons would move to a different country for higher studies, so at age of 14 we gave them a credit card each. It helped them to understand the cost of basic items like food and beverages as well as track entertainment spending like going to cinemas. Over time, they became accountable for money. Once they left for university, we’ve seldom had to send them extra money for unforeseen expenses. To manage their expenses even better, now they use mobile apps such as Money Monitor: Expense Tracker and Wallet – Daily Budget and Profit.”
Banerjee also stressed on the importance of understanding finances and budgeting accordingly. “We consciously didn’t get engaged in their course selection process, but we discussed funding details with both our daughters so they could be aligned with what we can afford. As such, funding higher education is expensive and thus, selection of country, college, accommodation should be made after factoring in financial details. There is always an option to apply for scholarship, if required. In fact, our elder daughter received a 50 per cent merit scholarship.
“I think managing finances is a life skill and might require conscious training,” she added. “Being a Finance major, our elder daughter has a natural flair for budgeting. But it was a slight challenge in case of our younger daughter, although now she has become careful about budgeting for monthly expenses.”
Help them to accept newness
Alongside teaching teenagers practical tasks, it is also crucial to help them accept newness by creating a sense of familiarity, Burden said. “Even though my son and daughter aged 13 and 10 are yet to leave home, I understand that as human beings we seek familiarity. There’s a reason why home is the space where children emotionalise, seek connection, love and acceptance. So, it’s important to communicate and acknowledge their feelings without being pushy or anxious. While some teenagers might be very excited about a whole new life stage, others may not be and that’s fine.
“In some cases, parents might have to help teenagers get familiar with the new environment even before they leave home. Checking the university campus, accommodation and roads on Google Maps can create a sense of familiarity. Today the internet has brought the world closer. It’s easy to find professors and peers through online channels that might help a teenager to build a sense of connection. To make the experience fun, parents can also help children find the nearest café to their university to hang out.”
When asked about the need to accompany teenagers when they first leave for university in a different country, Jurec and Banerjee feel it’s necessary.
“It was always a plan to go with my sons to the UK. Our presence helped them to settle in, especially during the first week. While they were fully engaged with ‘freshers’ week’ activities, we helped them with shopping and organising the accommodation,” Jurec explained.
“There’s no doubt that being around parents in the initial phase helps children settle down in a new place,” Banerjee agreed. “Interestingly, we noticed a peculiar pattern with both our daughters and a few of our friends’ children. After the initial three to four months of staying away, they felt homesick. But once they returned home during their first break, they adjusted to the following months and years of staying away from home.”
It is important to reassure children that the initial sense of feeling unsettled isn’t uncommon, Burden added. “It’s also important to reinforce to children leaving home for the first time that parents will always be available. And their home, siblings and pets, wherever applicable, will wait for them to be back on holidays.”
Jurec agreed and added, “Throughout their studies abroad, I kept their Dubai residence visa, so in addition to some advantages such as health insurance and easier travelling, my sons have the feeling that Dubai is still home. Having said that, I must add that my children were more prepared and ready for the transition than I was. Therefore, I’d suggest parents to also prepare themselves.”
Some tips from parents for parents
While leaving home for the first time can be exciting yet unsettling for teenagers, it is also a major period of transition for parents as they must adjust to the empty nest syndrome. Here are some tips from parents for parents:
Have open and honest conversations: Be it finances or relationships, have open and honest conversations with your children, Jurec recommended. As they get older, they will need more privacy and personal space but with mutual trust, respect and transparency the relationship will only strengthen irrespective of the distance.
Support their choice: Every child is different in their abilities and preferences. Give them the freedom to choose the right path after weighing in all possibilities, Banerjee stressed. Finances permitting, also give them time to make the best career choice because that’s often a decision for a lifetime.
Allow them to make mistakes: It’s important to let children take their own decisions even if they make mistakes. Allow them to make mistakes under your care so they can avoid doing the same once on their own, Burden suggested.
Be realistic about expectations: It’s important for children to have the emotional security to be themselves rather than having to always prove themselves – academically or otherwise, Banerjee stated. Similarly, parenting isn’t a perfection competition either. Parents are allowed to make mistakes. It’s okay to miss some things so don’t place the burden of expectation on the child or yourself.
Empower them to say no: From an early age, its vital to teach children to say ‘no’ to things that make them genuinely uncomfortable and not resulting from brattish behaviour. Reinforce that it’s okay to be the odd one out by saying ‘no’ rather than falling prey to enticements that might go against their value system, Burden advised.
On a lighter note: After a couple of weeks of leaving our son in the UK, he was desperate and feeling ‘useless’ because of not being able even to cook pasta, since the water would never boil. It was heart-breaking initially but then we figured out that the pots he had were not suitable for induction cooking. It’s okay to take some challenges lightly because there’s always a way out, Jurec explained.
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