“Let go mum”, Sid muttered, “I will carry it inside”, he said as he grabbed the loops of the shopping bag from the cart and carried it to the car. “It’s heavy”, I called after him as my mind did the math — ‘a huge watermelon, rice, other pulses, perhaps about 10 kgs?’, I calculated. The words didn’t bother Sid. He settled the bag cozily next to the empty seat and called out, “Mum”, breaking my trance as I stood still watching the little man he is fast becoming.
I have diligently chronicled Sid’s life in blog posts and columns. All of them bring out a side of my son that I want to remember. The words and sentences brim with tiny milestones — him becoming an independent reader, his ability to reach the light switch, his tiny hands mimicking dinosaurs and so much more. As my mind wanders through the memory maze, I am quickly reminded of the next milestones that lie ahead — Sid becoming an adult, ready to fly the nest, take on the world, hold the driver’s permit and so much more. I bite my lips because I don’t want to think about them — not yet.
I don’t even remember the last time Sid came along with us to a supermarket. “I don’t want to come,” he would scream and throw a tantrum. But, two days ago, when I saw Sid lazing around on the couch I asked if he would like to join us. I expected Sid to simply turn down the invitation. But, Sid had other plans. He shrugged his shoulders with, “sure”. Thus a little trip to the supermarket took me down my own journey of motherhood.
I remember the time when Sid held our little finger and walked past the shopping aisles. Sometimes, he would sit inside the shopping cart busily talking to his imaginary friend, some other times, he would nag his father to take him to the toys section where he would look for new toy dinosaurs. When Sid got a little older, he always sat in the trolley with a book and read through our whole shopping process. Somewhere between the books and his numerous indulgences, he began to keep away from our weekly outings. He stayed home, he played, he read and he did a million other things but refused to get persuaded to our weekly hangout.
On a rare occasion, when Sid tagged along, I always had many instructions — “Don’t touch this”, “Don’t pick that”, or even “It is too heavy. Don’t lift it”, I would go on mechanically.
It was not just the shopping bags. I would not let him help around with any heavy item. In my heart, Sid continued to be this little kid with soft little hands and bones. I couldn’t let him drop the bulky package on his feet. I continued to protect, care and watch out. Now, after all these years, as Sid busily tapped his long fingers on his phone, I wonder if I slept through his growth because, somehow, I seem to have skipped the part when his soft hands turned rough and bony.
“Does your hand hurt?”, I asked Sid because, I know in my heart that even if my Math were to go wrong, my head hadn’t missed anything from my shopping list and that bag had everything.
“Why do you ask?”, Sid asked
“It must have been quite weighty”, I offered.
“Slightly”, Sid giggled, “that’s why you shouldn’t lift it”, he smiled.
Well, I don’t know when he grew up exactly or when our roles changed. From the dinosaur loving child, he is becoming a young adult who is looking out for his parents. Sometimes, all that it takes is a small gesture to fill your world with hope and love. I bit my lips because, in all of this, I know in my heart, I will forever miss that little boy who walked around pretending to be a T Rex.
Sudha Subramanian is an author and writer based in Dubai. Twitter: @sudhasubraman
