Why you dread math homework more than your kids: A subject that triggers more shame than others

The scene was all too familiar: My mother, my maths assignments spread across the table, and me, sobbing miserably because I couldn’t figure out if selling 150 watermelons was a profit or a loss. My tutors came and went — some gave up, others I fled — but they all said the same thing: “Maths is just logic; you need to think it through.” But I really couldn’t think through lightning falling at a particular angle and craft a coherent triangle out of it. When given the choice, my last tutor, with a sigh, told me to give up on mathematics.

Even 20 years later, maths equals embarrassment and shame, something to be packed away in a dark closet. Dubai-based homemaker Samrudhi Sen shares my horror of the subject, and is rather grateful that her husband is the one who can explain maths problems to her two children. “I will never get algebra right,” she chuckles.

Maths shame is quite real, as the two of us will vow. But why, though?

Carolyn Yaffe, a counsellor and cognitive behaviour therapist at Medcare Camali Clinic in Dubai, explains. “Maths often triggers feelings of inadequacy or shame — more than other subjects — owing to the expectations of society.” There’s a high value placed on quantitative skills, as well as the competitive nature of maths education. It’s one of those subjects where people compare themselves unfavourably with peers. You may feel that you aren’t good enough when you don’t grasp a concept well, blaming your own abilities rather than seeing that foundations could possibly be weak in the subject.

And, so, a link forms between mathematical capabilities and intellectual capabilities, Yaffe says. “Painful maths experiences can contribute to a poor self-image regarding intellectual capabilities. People start feeling that they are less capable at learning.”

If you’re already anxious, being asked to solve a question in under a minute can make you forget what you actually know. Greg Fantham, assistant professor of psychology at Heriot-Watt University Dubai, says there is research into maths struggles and a maladaptive academic identity formation. “Maths is likely to trigger stressful responses among youngsters who are more anxious in general. Mathematical reasoning can place an extra burden on short-term working memory when you feel you have to answer a question in a hurry. In a way, maths in school is like a canary in a coal mine for people who are prone to anxiety. Maths is most sensitive to a whiff of anxiety,” he says.

It’s also possible that ‘maths shame’ is likely to emerge over time than be encapsulated in early experience, says Fantham. “Studies show that attitudes to maths typically deteriorate over time. Professionally, such ‘shame’ may be related to the perceived importance of quantitative reasoning in a given occupation.” ‘Maths shame’ is likely to be expressed in conversation with people who are good at maths, or when your children seek help with their homework, believing, naïvely, that parents actually know stuff. Nevertheless, those who prefer to steer clear of maths try to avoid situations and careers involving maths, or have a fear of engaging in tasks requiring numerical skills, adds Yaffe.

Moreover, as Fantham explains, the ever-increasing demand for quantitative reasoning in contemporary workplaces means that there is more at stake if you’re not confident in mathematics. “Occupational anxieties may induce feelings of inadequacy and shame. People can have aversive reactions to a range of school subjects,” he says, referring to his own experience. “For me it was Latin, but fortunately I am not called upon to use Latin a lot in psychology, hence my lack of inadequacy and shame about Latin.”

You can probably name at least seven people who like to say this. However, as much as I would like to believe that I got my maths knowledge — or lack of it — from my mother, there is no evidence that maths competence is genetically determined.

“As people grow older they tend to become more anxious about displaying

weaknesses,” adds Fantham. “Children love making and sharing drawings, while adults say, ‘I can’t draw’, unless it’s their job. The same applies to maths. People tend to avoid sharing imperfect or incomplete work for fear of judgement. Organisations are plagued with this, and it is a major obstacle to innovation.” It’s also a way to excuse their struggles and avoid any confrontation with the subject in the future.

So, what really helps a person to bond with maths?.

Well, do you want to, first of all? “The most effective approach is to want to repair a relationship with maths,” explains Fantham. “If you don’t want to and don’t need to, don’t waste your time doing it. If you need to, you should start gently with baby steps. “It’s like getting back into physical exercise. Start with a marathon and you’ll die.”

On the other hand, Yaffe says, it’s about practice and understanding that maths, as with any other subject, can be learned. “You can engage with maths through practical applications, seek tutoring or professional help, and, essentially, cultivate a growth mindset that emphasises learning over innate ability.”