Happy ever after

Meet Tammy and Andy J. Dadosky, a Dubai-based couple. They have been happily married for 20 years and have three children.

Are their differences what first drew them together when they were just 30 and 29?

Absolutely not, they say. "We were very similar in personalities as we both enjoyed meeting new people, going places and always being on the go," says Tammy.

"Similarities, certainly," agrees Andy. He lists a love of the outdoors, beaches, the ocean, the sun, family, restaurants and nightlife, in general enjoying life, as the reasons. Remarkably similar, considering both of them were interviewed separately.

This flies in the face of conventional wisdom which claims that couples, only after years of togetherness, eventually begin to look like each other, think like each other, and become so similar their friends have trouble telling them apart.

Some researchers don't give much credence to the old adage that ‘opposites attract'.

Uma and Sumant Sareen, also a Dubai-based couple, agree.

It's more likely that couples like Uma and Sumant have deep, shared beliefs and use these as a basis for learning to manage opposing personality traits.

"I believe it was similarities in personalities - definitely not the differences - that drew us together in the first place," says Uma Sareen, a housewife who's been married to Sumant for more than 35 years, while listing ‘his good looks, personality and sense of humour' as the reasons why she chose him. Not surprisingly, Sumant Sareen reciprocates. "She's elegant, bold, and intriguing," he analyses the reason for his choosing her, before adding, "When one is attracted one doesn't stop to analyse the reasons for this!"

Researchers know spouses are more similar to each other than to random people, but there's been a debate about how this happens.

"This could reflect spouses' influence on each other over time, or this could be what attracted them to each other in the first place," says Mikhila Humbad, a doctoral candidate in clinical psychology at Michigan State University. It interested her enough to make it the subject of her doctoral thesis.

Humbad and a team of researchers analysed the data of 1,296 married couples about whether or not opposites really do attract.

Study participants had been married from two to 25 years and answered questions about personality and behaviour patterns.

The conclusion was that couples don't become more like each other over time, but that their similarities are better explained by initial partner selection, a point the Dadoskys and Jane and Tyrone Barry, a Minnesota, USA-based couple, who took part in the study, agree with.

"Previous research has found a small degree of similarity present between couples on various personality traits," says Humbad. "Our study sought to examine the source of this similarity: whether or not couples become more similar to each other over time or if they selected on similarity pre-marriage."

Humbad and her team assessed personality traits in a sample of 1,296 married couples using a questionnaire that assesses a wide variety of traits (positive emotionality, aggression, conscientiousness, ambitiousness, caution.)

"We evaluated whether similarity increased with increasing length of marriage," explains Humbad.

"So, essentially we compared couples who had been married 25 years to couples who had been married 10 years to examine whether or not the couples who were married for a longer time were more similar to one another than the couples married fewer years."

After using several different statistical methods to examine the question, Humbad concluded that overall, couples who had been married a long time were no more alike than couples married for a shorter time period.

The Dadoskys tend to agree. "Even after 20 years of marriage my husband and I still have different beliefs on some subjects and try to accept that in each other," points out Tammy. "It is not always easy. His strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. As long as one personality isn't too overbearing it should make for a successful partnership. Marriage is all about compromise. That's what makes a successful partnership. Listen to your partner and really hear what they are saying. It may not always be the way that you want it to be but it is who they really are."

Humbad then concluded that couples must select a partner with similar traits "because there is no other current explanation for the similarity that is present between them for the personality traits we examined." Because they did not become more similar to one another over time, Humbad concluded they must have selected each other due to these traits.

This study is particularly significant in that it is based on a very large sample, 1,296 couples of mixed ethnic backgrounds who answered a personality questionnaire encompassing 198 items. And these were relatively successful marriages, based on the fact that they had survived an average of nearly two decades at the time the questionnaires were completed.

"Unfortunately, our research cannot speak as to why there may be conflicts in so many long-lasting marriages," says Humbad. "Our data only suggests that couples that had similar traits likely selected for that similarity. However, there is some contention as to whether or not greater similarity predicts greater satisfaction in marriages [ie, are couples that are more similar to one another more satisfied in their marriage?] The majority of research suggests that greater similarity does not predict greater satisfaction."

It's all about complementing each other

"I recall being attracted to my husband's spontaneity when we met," says Jane Barry. "In time, however, my own slower, more thoughtful approach has served to bring balance. We have learned from each other, in that I am less rigid and my husband [when you can get his attention] is more apt to think about the impact of his actions. I think a good relationship does bring that opportunity for growth on both sides while offering support to core traits."

Her husband, Tyrone, says that they had been and still are very close in political and religious views, are generally introverted, and have a strong overlap in taste when it comes to leisure pursuits. "Neither of us ‘enjoys a good fight' or needs to be right all the time, so we are generally at peace," he says.

"Having a child challenged us, especially because it clashed with my husband's will to be impulsive and because the boy continues to surprise his old ‘tomboy' mom with his desire to worm into a book instead of walk in the woods," says Jane. "Learning to let my son be who he is has taught us about ourselves and each other. Now, we face changing bodies and abilities on both sides. So, we hang on to our common ground, but over time we have learned to be more assured in our own realms."

Andy Dadosky doesn't think the majority of long-time couples really have completely shared beliefs. "Sure, there may be some that are very similar and that is a pretty good situation and would certainly help a relationship," he agrees. "But relationships are growing constantly. It depends on give and take, trying to understand each other's view, reach an understanding and move on to the next. Also, people change and those changes need to be understood and addressed as you grow too."

Uma Sareen tends to do agree with this. "I feel that since we do agree and have similar beliefs in most of the things - the things we do disagree on have to be accepted. We need to respect each other's beliefs to make it a successful relationship/partnership."

Just how much of this belief is passed on to their children, is another question Humbad and her team were interested in. "We know couples who have similar personality traits may be more likely to pass on those traits to their children than couples who have dissimilar traits from a purely genetic perspective," says Humbad. "Importantly, however, our research did not directly examine this question. Instead, we speculated this to be the case because existing research has shown that many of the traits we examined have a genetic component to them."

If individuals are selecting their spouses for similar traits, they are in effect increasing the genetic transmission of those traits to their offspring, surmises Humbad. Thus, individuals high on optimism who marry one another may be more likely to pass optimism to their children both genetically and environmentally, because they are also likely to be more optimistic in front of their children. "Again, our research did not directly examine this question, but it would be considered an implication of our findings," says Humbad.

"The thing we had most in common was our similar faith," Tyrone says, explaining that he and Jane met at church. It's their similar values and morals that have formed a strong backbone in their marriage.

Jane agrees that it was the values she had and then saw in Tyrone, such as a strong work ethic, honesty and maturity, that were at the top of her list. He said those similar values keep them going. "Ï think it may be safe to say we have passed on a lot of our values to our child," he agrees.

"For us, it's commitment and faithfulness," he continues. "We both focus on our marriage first and there's a similar confidence that leads to trust as a result. And we have a very similar sense of humour. We get each other and how the other thinks, which makes it easy to make light of difficult situations. That's very important."

Tyrone says they haven't changed, but just adjusted and learned to complement each other, sometimes even using their opposite personality traits as an advantage. He knows, he jokes, when it's better to keep quiet and take his role as the reserved one. And after about ten years, adjustments to everyday differences haven't been so bad.

"We finally got better at it," he says, with a laugh.

Things change, but still remain the same, is how Sumant Sareen puts it. "Attraction, passion, love, respect, empathy, happiness - they all become one thing - and it's not important to name it. Just live it."

Tammy feels the passing of the years have not really taken the sheen out of the relationship. "Well, the black leather jacket and black jeans don't fit anymore, but all in all it shouldn't remain the same," she feels. "The things that attracted me to my husband will always be at the back of my mind, but each day I have learned something new about my husband that attracts me more. We both have changed in the last 20 years due to the stresses and strains of child-rearing, career choices and so on. I guess the question should be, am I still attracted to my husband? The answer to that is absolutely and ever more so!"

Finally, does it matter whether people remain the same after marriage, or whether they change because of their partners? Tammy doesn't think so. "I believe that some couples become like each other over time, but it doesn't matter, no. This should happen naturally by each believing and trusting in each other. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and I entered into that commitment knowing I was going to grow and flourish with this man. I do not want to become exactly like him nor do I want him to be exactly like me. It would take the spark out of our marriage. We are always growing individually as who we are."

Traits of aggression

While Humbad insists that her research proves that couples don't adopt their partner's traits over time, the one exception she found was for aggression. "We found that for the trait of aggression, there is some evidence in our data that couples became more similar over time.

"I think this makes sense if you think about it, because if one person is violent, it may lead the other person to respond in a similar fashion and thus become more aggressive over time. We do not have any case examples of this finding, because our findings were all reported in aggregate [we do not pull out case examples but instead analyse the data as a whole]."

When opposites attract

Best-selling author of many books on marriage and relationships and a visiting fellow at the Whitney Humanities Centre, Yale University, Maggie Scarf, feels opposites do attract, but in any relationship over time this may become difficult terrain to navigate.

"The very qualities which once attracted both people become the qualities that carry the most conflict," she explains. "For example, a man once drawn to his wife's warmth, generosity of spirit, easy sociability may over time find these qualities overly intrusive, and even shallow. The qualities have not changed, but the way the way the partner perceives them has."

Likewise, a woman once attracted to what seemed the strong, capable, and comforting presence of her partner grows to redefine these qualities as controlling, bullying and withholding. Again, the qualities have not changed but the perception of them has.

Scarf notes sometimes these qualities are being seen more realistically. Sometimes these are actual truths about the person's behaviour.

According to Scarf, what occurs over time is a confusion about individual boundaries. The two people who once viewed themselves as exact opposites have become so entangled that their identities have begun to "fuse" beneath the surface. "Each of them," she says, "carries and expresses for the other disavowed aspects of that other's self - his or her inner being."

Scarf, whose book Intimate Partners explored marriage over a broader spectrum of time, suggests that many people who have been married for a long time may have simply learned to live with the "background hum" of a partner's habitual complaints.

Did you know?

A recent study found that couples who had been married for many years were no more alike than couples who had been married for a shorter period of time.

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By  Shiva Kumar Thekkepat, friday
Email sthekkepat@gulfnews.com
Twitter @Shiva_friday