'Quit crying' and 5 other harmful phrases to avoid with children: How words shape mindset and what to say instead

I remember my class teacher looking at my sketch of the sea and mountains and saying in disgust, “The sea isn’t purple. Which world do you live in?”

As a seven-year-old, I was highly affronted and the only way that I could express that, was well, through tears. My teacher spent the next few minutes telling me that water is blue, which mean seas are blue, so please don’t try to mix up the colours, thank you very much, now go back to your seat and stop the drama. I’ll admit that I did lose some interest in sketching for a while, because, I really didn’t want a blue sea. Why not purple? It was a pretty colour.

I listen to other similar stories and the core sentiment is the same: A child’s self-talk and core beliefs are shaped by the repeated messages they hear in their first seven years of life. These early experiences become the foundation for how they view themselves and the world around them. As Dubai-based Ishaani Mehta recalls from experience: She stopped any form of arts and crafts because an aunt had rather sternly told her, that she didn’t have the talent for it.

Words have a rather stinging way of staying with us for years to come. Sometimes, it’s what prevents us from taking up hobbies, or even professions. Neal Jay, a Dubai-based entrepreneur, laughs as he remembers why he gave up acting. His mother had laughed at his attempts on stage as a child and told him that he could find something better to do.  These early experiences reveal how negative feedback, especially from influential adults, can lead children to believe they aren’t capable.

As child psychologists explain, children who are constantly exposed to negative language and limitations may carry those limiting beliefs into adulthood, believing in fewer possibilities for themselves. To break this cycle, adults should avoid certain harmful phrases. By removing these from their vocabulary early on, they can encourage children to develop a mindset full of potential, rather than one confined by restrictions.

Here are a few things, adults should never say to children, explains Victoria Lauren, a child psychologist:

Stop crying: Stop the drama

While it may seem like these phrases push children to build resilience, they actually send a damaging message. You’re telling your child that their feelings don’t matter, which pushes them to suppress their feelings and bottle them up, causing further psychological ramifications later. “What’s worse, they see and hear that annoyance and irritation in your tone,” says Lauren. “This could also compel them to believe that any sort of emotion is unnecessary, leading to reduced levels of empathy and sensitivity when they grow older, leading to difficulties in forming lasting relationships,” she says.

This phrase is right up there with ‘You’re just hungry’ and ‘You’re just tired’, which might be true but as history tells us, nobody’s anger has been banished on just being told the source of their annoyance.

What you need to say instead: I know you’re upset, and I know it hurts. It must have hurt your feelings. By doing so, you’re validating their emotions, which helps build their emotional intelligence in the future.

I don’t have the time to play with you

Saying ‘I don’t have time to play with you’ in the spur of the moment, may seem harmless, but if said too often, it can affect the child’s development. Lauren emphasises the importance of play, not just for emotional growth, but also for strengthening the caregiver-child bond. Instead of rejecting the request, offer a clear explanation, such as, “I’m working right now, but we can play later.” This teaches children that while immediate play may not be possible, there's still an openness to spend quality time together.

‘Well because I said so’

This is a parental favourite, no doubt. It’s the magical keyword to shut down all conversations and tearful arguments. “Ma, why can’t I stay out late with my friends?” “Well, you can’t, because I said so, that’s why.”

You probably have good reason to say no, but unfortunately, this statement can backfire.  Telling a child ‘Because I said so’ shuts down their ability to understand reasoning, which hinders their development of problem-solving skills and critical thinking. It can also create a power imbalance, where the child feels disempowered, fostering frustration and resentment. Instead, explaining your reasoning helps children learn to make connections and encourages respect based on understanding rather than authority alone.

‘You can’t…’

Of course, there are times that you have to tell your child ‘you can’t’, especially if it involves punching their sibling. But otherwise, if they really tried to draw ten heads for a bee like Dubai-based Preity Singh’s five-year-old, let them go ahead for it, unlike her teacher who looked at in horror and told her sharply to ‘redo’.

If children are trying something new and it’s not dangerous, it’s better to avoid saying ‘you can’t.’ “You are encouraging a growth mindset, where children believe they can learn, improve, and overcome challenges. Saying ‘you can’t’ stifles this growth, discouraging their development of problem-solving and resilience. Instead, support their learning by offering encouragement and constructive feedback. Let their imagination run riot; it’s how they perceive the world,” says Lauren.

‘Why can’t you be like…’

Ah, another one that comes unfortunately naturally to parents.

Telling a child ‘Why can't you be like [someone else]?’  can be damaging because it fosters feelings of inadequacy and comparison. Instead of encouraging individuality, it sets unrealistic expectations and places the child’s

When you’re under my roof…

This is closely aligned with ‘Because I said so’. It’s another way to shut down the conversation, to stop your child or teenager from going out partying and staying out late. Yet these words radiate a rather uncomfortable authority, creating more room for rebellion. They might just end up waiting to get out of the house, sooner.

As Lauren explains, “It can create an atmosphere of control and undermine a child's sense of independence. It implies that they must comply without room for discussion or mutual respect. This approach may stifle open communication and may lead children to feel that their opinions or needs are less important.”

A better approach is to encourage understanding and respect through discussion, helping children understand the reasoning behind decisions while also validating their feelings.

Generally anything hurtful about themselves

Statements like "You’re impossible," "You’ll never amount to anything," and "I’m so done with you" are deeply hurtful, but telling a child they’re the reason for parental arguments really stays with a child.

“That’s a lot of pressure and stress for a child to bear. They start harbouring the belief that they’re always responsible for household tensions in the house,” she says.

Moreover, correcting a child frequently can have lasting effects. Children internalise the messages they hear, and if they constantly hear negative feedback, they may begin to believe they're "bad." It's important to focus on reinforcing positive behaviors by praising them when they act appropriately, even if it's just for a few moments. Offering alternatives to undesirable actions and celebrating small improvements helps shape a child's behavior and self-esteem in a more constructive way. Reinforcement of positive actions encourages growth and positive change.