I thought you would always support me. I don’t think they like me.
Ananya Kapoor, an Abu Dhabi-based homemaker was often be disarmed by that particular phrase. Her close childhood friend would wield these words as a weapon to ensure Kapoor’s loyalty during arguments and fights with others. “It worked, every single time, because I saw her as my closest friend and was so afraid of letting her down,” recalls Kapoor. “I used to believe that I was disloyal for even trying to tell her that she was wrong.”
Over time, Kapoor realised that these common manipulative phrases were not only making her question herself repeatedly, but were also wearing their friendship down. According to Kapoor, there are several such manipulative phrases that don’t seem like manipulation, but actually silently nudge you into a form of unwanted subservience. “In my experience, it would be sentences like ‘You don’t trust me?’ and ‘I’ll always lookout for you’,” she says, recalling, how on hearing those words, she would immediately do something for her friend, against a better judgement.
Perhaps the most painful aspect about manipulation is that we don’t even know we’re being manipulated. “It’s the feeling that you’re in someone’s debt, and you don’t even know why,” explains Kapoor. These invisible debts keep piling up, weighing you down, and leaving you battered and disoriented. Psychologists describe manipulation as exactly this — an accumulation of invisible debts that quietly corrodes your well-being.
Manipulation versus influence
Manipulation — a rather insidious tactic to serve one’s purpose - is often confused with influence. Explaining the difference between the two, Claire Crawford, a Dubai-based stress specialist explains, “Influence is a neutral term referring to a person's ability to impact another. It's the power to persuade or sway someone towards a particular action. In itself, it’s neither negative nor positive. You can influence others for their own benefit, by encouraging loved ones to embrace fairness, justice and honesty, through your actions. The key word here is, choice. When you influence others, they choose to follow your lead, out of respect, admiration. Unlike coercion, influence is not about forcing someone to do something.”
On the other hand, manipulation is a rather fine bullying method that is often disguised as influence or requests. “It’s when you start feeling that rather sinking, worrying, anxiety-ridden feeling that you should do something, because of the way someone has asked, then that’s a sure sign that you are being manipulated,” explains Crawford. It’s a very subtle form of mind control to alter someone’s perception or judgment in a rather underhand manner. It takes many forms, often appearing as seemingly harmless phrases that subtly fracture your self-esteem. When you find yourself constantly at odds with yourself as you try to fulfill the manipulator’s wishes, that’s another sign that you need to address the turmoil going on inside you.
Psychologists and several UAE residents have explained seemingly innocent, common phrases that are actually warning signs of manipulation.
‘I have always supported you’
That sounds very sweet and touching, but it often carries an underlying threat or implication.
As Monica Mathijs, a Dubai-based life coach and Mona Menon, stress specialist, emphasise, “It means, that the person has always been there for the other, and so they should feel grateful and comply with the manipulator’s wishes," says Mathijs. The relationship becomes infused with a toxic guilt. “You start thinking, ‘Oh they’ve always done this for me, I should too’, even if it’s something that is against your ethics, principles or desires,” says Menon. This phrase plays on a person’s emotions, as they start feeling controlled.
Essentially, the manipulator means, ‘You owe me, because I’ve always been there for you’, which somehow negates everything that they actually did for you. You start feeling in their debt, when they do something for you. By suggesting that the speaker has always been supportive, they may be trying to minimise or dismiss the other person's concerns or feelings.
Menon, does add, “It's important to note that while this phrase can be manipulative, it's not always used with malicious intent. Sometimes, people may say it without realising the emotional impact it can have. However, if this phrase is used repeatedly or in conjunction with other controlling behaviours, it may be a sign of manipulation.”
‘I have just been through a lot’
Somia Talwar, a Dubai-based researcher, recalls how her former partner used to employ this phrase. He would say something particularly hurtful and stinging, touching upon her vulnerabilities, and then say apologise, bringing up all the painful experiences in the past. Talwar says, “He blamed all his bad behaviours on his former partner and the way she broke up with him. So he would yell at me over nothing at all, and then say, ‘I’ve just gone through so much in life, that I’m only human. You’re my safe space, maybe that’s why everything comes out here’.” Talwar tolerated it for a while, trying to convince herself that she could cut him some slack, owing to his difficult life. She would question herself often: Shouldn’t she be more empathetic? But, at what cost? “He would just constantly expect me to be understanding, every time he misbehaved. It came to a head finally, because I just had enough with him using his past as a shield.”
Recalling sob stories is a common way to avoid accountability, explains Menon. “They deflect blame onto others and claiming their behaviour is solely a result of external factors. They might imply that others owe them something due to their difficult life, which is another manipulative tactic.”
‘Everyone thinks that…’
This is a particularly stinging one. It’s designed to isolate you, or make your opinion feel invalid, because they’re not supposedly shared by others. For example, Afia Ellen, a Dubai-based expat, recalls how her boss used to nitpick her work, by using this phrase. “She would always start the feedback session by saying, ‘Everyone thinks that this could have been better written’ or ‘Everyone thinks you get too worked up over nothing’,” recalls Ellen. “I should have really asked at the time, who is everyone? Yet, it always made me believe as if everyone’s just talking about me, criticising my work, or laughing behind my back.”
When someone constantly uses this phrase, it creates a false sense of consensus, explains Gaurav Bhattacharya, a Dubai-based psychiatrist. Apart from generating feelings of isolation, it also suggests that there's a universal agreement on a particular issue, even when this may not be true. This can make the individual feel isolated or like they're going against the grain. It creates a sense of pressure, making people believe that they have to conform to a specific norm, to be accepted or avoid conflict. This is often used to manipulate or control others. If you find yourself being told this frequently, it's important to question the validity of the claim and trust your own judgment.
‘No one understands you, the way I do’
This is the sister manipulative tactic of ‘I’m all you have’. When a person uses this phrase, it means that they are the only person who truly understands and truly accepts the other person, making them feel as if they’re completely alone and unloved in the world. As Bhattacharya adds, it fosters a sense of dependence on the speaker, making them feel like as if they need them for validation and support. “It controls emotions and makes the other feel grateful, indebted, or afraid of losing the speaker's approval.” The person starts feeling worried that if they lose the manipulator, then they will be completely alone in the world.
‘I was just joking’
It’s a manipulative phrase often used to shield hurtful or offensive behaviour. It allows individuals to get away with inappropriate, hurtful remarks under the guise of humour. And if you take it seriously? You are considered the problem, explain the psychologists. “It’s a classic way of avoiding accountability,” says Crawford. This is manipulative, evasive tactic used to belittle someone, and then adding ‘just joking’ so that they can absolve themselves of responsibility. It makes a person question themselves, ‘Am I oversensitive or was that just plain offensive?’
As Ritasha Varsani, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist explains, when a person tells you that you’re the one over-reacting and oversensitive, it is a way of invalidating their feelings. As Varsani explains, this could be followed by ‘you don’t trust me’ or ‘why would you doubt me?’ “Manipulative people will often use this phrase when you question them to seek more clarity and when you hear that phrase from them, you end up doubting your own thoughts,” she says.
How to handle these manipulative phrases
The psychologists put down some simple, polite answers on how to handle manipulators:
• Thank you for the concern, but I’ll manage: This response establishes your autonomy and asserts your right to make your own choices. It sets a boundary and lets the manipulator know that their attempts to control you won't be tolerated.
• So what was the joke, again? This is particularly for those who crack hurtful jokes at another’s expense. Call them out on it politely, and then explain that you just found their dig at you rather hurtful and offensive. Don’t let them deflect: Emphasise why their joke hurt you.
• ‘I’m sorry that you have been through a lot. However, your behaviour is hurting me’: Whenever someone brings up some painful incident from the past as means to deflect from their behaviour, start by acknowledging their feelings. Many times, they might not know that this is a manipulative tactic as such. Clearly state that their past experiences don't excuse their current behaviour. For example, you could say, ‘While I understand you've been through a lot, that doesn't justify treating me this way.’
• Let’s stick to the facts here: You could use this, especially whenever anyone tries to remind you that ‘everyone thinks that…’ or that they’re the only one who understands you. It shifts the conversation to objective information, minimizing the effectiveness of manipulative tactics that rely on emotions or distorted realities.
• Why is this necessary: If they’re trying to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to, just ask them straight. Let them clarify their intentions. It will reveal their motives, too.
