Life coach suggests ways to heal and detox after a failed relationship

That excitement and optimism that comes with embarking on a new romantic relationship; who doesn’t wish it could be bottled up and captured in such a way that we could taste it whenever we wanted? Though it’s one of life’s most sought after, most joyful experiences, the idea that it can be a permanent state is probably more the stuff of fantasy than of reality. The truth is long-term successful relationships, (like all romantic entanglements) start off with that thrilling buzz of passion and possibility, but move beyond that to an emotional intimacy that involves deeper connections.

However, sometimes some of those connections struggle to be made. Often this is because one person in the relationship has carried their emotional baggage from a previous relationship into the new one. Negative experiences from the past hold you back and subconsciously prevent you from allowing yourself to fully commit or fully trust your new partner. They eat away at the foundations until things start to wobble and collapse.

This is not a question of blame either. More often than not, when clients seek out my help with relationship issues, it is because they have suffered hurt and pain caused by a previous relationship breakdown. Trying to move on with a new partner seems like an obvious solution to putting those negative experiences behind you. Yet without fully understanding the emotional toll that pain has taken on your ability to trust again, it is hard to fully commit yourself because you’re worried about being hurt again. It can end up being an emotional cycle of repeated behaviour unless you address it. Emotional baggage first needs to be unpacked and examined, so that when you do find ‘that person’ your heart is open to all those wonderful possibilities.

I’m regularly asked by individuals and couples how to begin that process of change. My advice is that you can’t change the past, but you can learn from it and I always suggest starting by looking at yourself. Break-ups can seriously affect your self-esteem, especially if betrayal was involved, and this can deplete your sense of worth. Subconsciously, you may feel like you’re not good enough and this can lead to patterns of self-defeating behaviour where you keep choosing to date the same ‘type’ because they feel ‘familiar’. It’s a form of self-sabotage. My advice is to take a dating ‘mini-break’. Rather than putting yourself out there and stumbling from one date to another, you need to gift yourself a period of reflection. Learn from your own relationship origin story. After all, history is a great teacher. For example, if you find it difficult to trust a partner and that causes tension, where in your past did that originate? If you regularly date people who treat you disrespectfully, why do you keep seeking them out? The source of that low self-esteem will be hidden somewhere in your own past, potentially as far back as childhood. By taking the time, either in therapy or simply through your own reflection, you can start becoming more objective. It’s a cliche I know, but time is a great healer, as long as you make sure you give yourself a chance to press the pause button.

During that time, it’s a great opportunity to re-evaluate what you want from a relationship. You need to truly understand your own values, needs and wants, before you can assess whether another person aligns with your own sense of self-worth. Challenge yourself to ask critical questions about past relationships. Begin with assessing what the positives and negatives were and scrutinise your role in them both. Were there any red flags that you ignored? Were there issues with your own communication? Did you compromise your own values and boundaries? Did you have expectations that were unattainable? This level of scrutiny can be painful, but ultimately revealing and helps you to identify patterns so you can avoid them.

Fear is a great obstacle to growth and progress. Committing to a relationship often requires emotional vulnerability, which can be intimidating. If you’ve been hurt before, fear of repeating the experience can hold you back and create barriers.

Acknowledging that you feel that fear is the first step to dealing with it. It is true for all of us that there are no certainties in life; in some ways every relationship runs the potential risk of being hurtful, but developing an ability to be reflective will give you back a degree of the control that fear conspires to rob you of. Being open and willing to share that is the next step on the road to enjoying a healthy long-term relationship.

So, when you do embark on that new relationship, it’s key to start practising what you think. Having gone through a period of soul searching, it’s vitally important to bring that growth mindset along with you.

By this I mean, in that first flush of romance it’s all too easy to fall back into old behaviours. That’s why I suggest that you try and be as honest with that new person in your life as much as you can.

Naturally, I realise there is a fine line to walk initially. In those early days, you don’t want to come across as too serious or intense, but opening up about what you have learned about yourself from past experiences allows you to be truthful about who you are and encourages truth and empathy in others.

For example, if you have learned that you find it difficult to develop trust, being open about it creates a mutual understanding that can then lead to finding solutions together.

The more you keep hidden about your emotional self the less likely the other person is to understand if issues crop up.

Positive relationships are about both parties developing a level of emotional intelligence together that becomes a kind of relationship glue. When you work together to come up with a successful recipe, that glue sticks because you both have each other’s backs if the chips are down.

It sticks because you both care and are kind and sensitive to what each of you needs.

It sticks you back together again when arguments threaten to destabilise you and it bonds you through the laughter at life’s absurdities. You can’t see it, but you can feel it and you’ll know it when you finally find it.