You can never be too careful... or can you?

Yes, rain… that inoffensive stuff that falls on England’s green and pleasant land pretty much every other day of the year. Deep breath, count to 10…

And yet this wasn’t quite as ridiculous as when poor mums and dads at a primary school in Essex, just a few days later, also received a letter. Their sports day wasn’t cancelled though, they were just banned from attending it. The reason? Performance in public might stress out the little lambs.

Forgive me, I’m not a mean mother. I care for my children’s safety, security and feelings, but even by the most cautious mother’s standards, this is the Nanny State gone potty. And it’s getting pottier by the day. Just a few days after “sport-gate”, lollipop man Roger Green (he helps kids cross busy roads. Kids still walk in England) from another English primary school was ordered to stop greeting pupils with friendly high-fives. It was, said the council, too “dangerous”, putting kids at road accident risk and confusing drivers.

And the list of bonkers bans goes on. With so many maddening health and safety hoops through which teachers and parents must jump, life’s simple pleasures (high-fiving friends) and traditional pursuits (playing conkers and competing in pancake races) are in peril.

Take the latest English school sporting conception, Scuttleball. A replacement for rounders, which has been deemed too risky and too competitive, Scuttleball is a non-contact, stand still and “only-get-the-ball-when-you’re-told-by-teachers-to-do-so” game that guarantees no accidents (the kids hardly move), no tears (everyone’s a winner) and, well… absolutely no fun whatsoever. As for getting fit, forget it.

Kids these days have taken to bunking off PE lessons, not because they’re too tough, but they’re so boringly easy. And this from a nation that only last year during its London Olympics success, pledged to “inspire young people to choose sport”.

While no parent wants to see their child bruised, is protecting them completely from all of life’s pressures, stresses and pain really in their best interests? Not only are such stringent safety measures cramping our children’s enjoyment, but it’s making them risk-averse and ill-preparing them for real life. It’s these sanitised six-year-olds scared of their own shadows (which as we speak have not yet been outlawed from the playground) who, in a few decades, will be competing on the world stage. Imagine.

And so in a fit of parental pique I decided to take a stand, to “save sports day”, ultimately to save all cotton wool-wrapped kids. I approached the local leisure centre and racecourse for help, requesting their indoor facilities for two hours for 200 children in exchange for plenty of “we saved sports day” publicity and neighbourhood goodwill. After days of dithering deliberation – and no doubt trawling through health and safety manuals – their response: “No”.

I was disappointed but decided I would battle on to save future generations from a life devoid of fun.

But before that, I’ll need to pop to the shops in my ultra-safe car, bubble-wrap myself as I go shopping for cotton wool to wrap my son in, lock and alarm the car in its off-road parking space, turn off the house intruder system and plonk myself down on the fire-retardant sofa with my multiple password protected iPad. After all, you can’t be too careful, can you?