When silence hurts: Understanding violence, control and helplessness in relationships
What partners, physicians and families need to know to respond and prevent tragedy
Persistent helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness drive people to do the unthinkable. The deaths of two young women in the UAE just two weeks apart have brought a wave of public sentiment; some are baffled, most empathise, and a few struggle to see the plight of a young wife. Two different households. Two women trapped in similar patterns of abuse. And in both cases, the pain remained largely invisible — until it was too late. With their narratives questioned, minimised or unheard, we often see clients at the clinic coming from a place of helplessness, whose isolation is crippling.
Self-harm works against the body’s instinct to survive and thrive. It is not a rational decision to hurt oneself. People who survive a suicide attempt often express disbelief — “What was I thinking?” It usually happens in a moment of crisis, when emotions spiral, hope disappears, and the future feels unbearably dark. From the outside, personal stress or mental health challenges may seem manageable. But from the inside, they can feel impossible to bear.
Unspoken rules
Partners often seek couples therapy, citing communication issues. But as the sessions unfold, the couple’s dynamic indicates hidden control and power struggles. Many women are raised to be accommodating, nurturing, and forgiving — often at the cost of their own self-worth. Over time, this emotional erosion becomes a habit, leading to deep self-neglect. In many households, phrases like “In my culture this is acceptable,” “It happens in the heat of the moment,” or “My belief system says that the wife should submit” continue to normalise abuse. But violence is never excusable.
The following are recommendations aimed at reducing the risk of violence.
It is hard but important to recognise intimate partner violence. They vary from emotional, physical, sexual, financial, psychological, online forms of stalking, harassment and aggression. It becomes difficult to respond because of the helplessness and other risks involved.
The perpetrator, not feeling in control, can be threatening to their sense of safety. When feeling that they are losing a fight or influence, violence may be their effort to gain control.
Take notice if the person struggles with impulsivity and finds difficulty in responding to de-escalation efforts. Any confrontation about secrecy or lying behaviour at this point can escalate the risk.
Individuals who may have witnessed and normalised aggressiveness early in life may easily access ammunition over conversation.
Calmly share how violence is not helping to resolve problems and suggest options for anger management with a professional.
Set ground rules for arguments and avoid inflammatory conversations over family or finance, especially when the offender has withdrawn and is ‘stonewalling’.
A confusing pattern can be enmeshed relationships. It looks like security while blurring individual boundaries and rights with it. Often, in the name of love, partners minimise the need for healthy independence. Once threatened, the void becomes far too much to bear, triggering a reaction. In the case of coercive control, the offender questions the reality of what the victim has experienced while building a narrative that squashes that of the victim’s. When partners are trauma-bonded, the victim holds on to their only source of security, which is the perpetrator themselves. In all three scenarios, the victim will need to identify an available proximal ally and should ideally be in therapy.
If there is active violence, couples therapy is not recommended as it may put the vulnerable partner further at risk. Individual therapy is required.
The victim needs to understand their choices and that there is a difference between reporting an incident and filing a complaint, as the effects will be different.
Guidelines
Here are also some guidelines for those prone to using aggression to communicate.
Understanding that violent behaviour is not an acceptable way to make a point is important. Regardless of the circumstances, it fails to resolve anything and becomes corrosive. It is not just legally problematic, defying the right to life and dignity, but also affects many lives, including that of the offenders and once done it cannot be undone.
Violence can become the reflex, one’s primary mode of communication and exerting dominance. Instead, try formulating sentences about what is really triggering. Any threat can be mediated through words.
Avoidance is a stress response, but not an effective one. When triggered however, breathe and walk away.
Steer clear of maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as drugs, alcohol or other inappropriate entertainment.
When there is a verbal escalation, try to have the conversation keeping a safe physical distance and a reasonably lower volume. If this is difficult, inform your partner that you need time away.
It is important to know how to respond to an angry partner. Get familiar to using your words while experiencing extreme anger. Any perceived threat or disrespect can be managed through communication.
Find a psychologist you can connect with through sites like doctify.com to explore topics like work, anger issues and other personal concerns. It will help to identify strategies that work for you.
Clinical management
Apart from trusted individuals, primary care physicians also witness the degree of reported violence in their practice. Here are some considerations for clinical management.
With such a presentation a thorough risk assessment must be taken within the confines of safety and confidentiality.
It is important to understand the level of risk, check for signs of self-harm and if other vulnerable persons are involved.
A care-plan that includes a proximal emergency contact must be accessible for the patient when they feel unsafe. Ideally, they should leave with a referral to legal or psychological services.
It is important to respect the choices of the patient without judgment.
While exploring violence, we must understand that anger in itself is not a bad or wrong emotion. It is the way anger is communicated that becomes problematic. When couples enter a commitment, it is the trust and respect that give way to personal growth. Relationships mould us. It can be one of the best things that teaches us about ourselves. But it must also respect the integrity of the individuals involved. A partner who feels unsafe is not obliged to guard the couple-privacy around aggression.
Asking for help is at times one of the hardest things to do, especially in situations such as domestic violence. It may be against one’s sense of control and social image to speak up and reach out for help. When one’s safety is compromised, especially with children involved, hesitating to reach out can reinforce complex behaviour. When partners feel physically and mentally attacked, it is difficult to see where they can begin improving their relationship and naturally minimise the other things that may be going well for them. The sentiment of death over divorce can also be debilitating and blinding to what life can offer.
Though marriages have their social purpose, the companionship must also benefit the two parties involved. If a person does not feel safe by the proximity or touch of their partner, this is usually when one must seek help. You do not have to do it alone.
Hima Mammen is a Consultant Pyschologist - Couple and Family Therapy
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