Sometimes we must agree to disagree

I had been observing that, of late, this person had a sudden spring in his every step and a radiant smile on his face. I was amazed by this magical transformation which had happened just over a few days and I was curious to know the reason.

Though worried about crossing boundaries and infringing on privacy, I gathered courage to inquire about the reason behind this massive switch in disposition. What he told me was flabbergasting! With the brightest smile ever, he confessed ‘I just realised how wrong I was!’

‘How does that make you happy?’ I persisted as disbelief gnawed at me. ‘I can now make amends to set things right and I feel I’ve offloaded a huge burden that I was lugging along, all the while’

No wonder he glowed with an inner light, which the world could see but only he could feel!

This conversation instantly reminded me of the many times I was akin to the frog in the well. Many of us erroneously assume that we are right and this is how things need to be. We fail to introspect and see the view from the other side!

It does take time and wisdom to look at events from different perspectives and when realisation strikes it fills you with so much peace that it feels like nirvana.

There was a time in my life when I believed that we should be following a kind of rigid timetable in life. Once we get out of school we go on to college, make a career, get married, have kids and keep the cycle going. Anything that didn’t conform to this docket was frowned upon by me.

With this mindset governing my life, imagine my dismay, years ago, when a friend called me panic-stricken and informed me that her teenage son wants to take a gap year! I panicked along with her as the concept of a gap year was alien and unacceptable to us at that point in time.

We discussed for long about how a whole year might get wasted and how it will put him back in the track of life impeding his progress. How naive and ill-informed we were and I cringe to think of that conversation now. It took me more time and more exposure to the world to realise that events in life cannot be scheduled strictly. We need to allow room for detours and pauses.

If I were to discuss the same issue today I would tell her the immense skills, experiences and clarity that a gap year might provide and that I got it so wrong the first time!

The realisation that life needn’t always be dictated by rigid timetables has taken a big load off my shoulders and it has impacted many decisions which I believe has made life easier and happier for the entire family.

There was also a time when I thought that it was fine to expect kids to ‘obey’ elders, probably because I was always described as an ‘obedient’ child. I am glad that it didn’t take me long to banish this word from my lexicon and it gave way to ‘mutual respect’. This epiphany was a defining moment and it has helped me tremendously to be a better version of myself.

I don’t expect children or for that matter, anyone, to blindly follow what I say. I am open to being questioned and corrected. I am human and full of imperfections as humans are bound to be, I can be wrong and suggestions and objective criticisms give me an opportunity to introspect and correct myself.

Another realisation struck when I was in the middle of a heated argument and found myself raising my voice to the point of shouting! I stopped mid-sentence and lowered my voice and I have been working on it ever since.

Why do we have this tendency to shout and yell when we are agitated, even when people are just beside us? Whatever needs to be said must be said but we can say it in a composed tone as well.

This is easier said than done but remaining cool during strife has untold benefits and this is an art we must try to master. Shouting only adds to the cacophony and sends clarity for a toss.

As I am penning this article I notice for the first time in my life that the word realisation begins with the word ‘real’ and I am wondering whether that has more to it than just a random coincidence. Realisation is indeed perceiving what we feel is real or true and what we hadn’t seen so far.

Our thinking processes evolve with time and changing circumstances and I realise that many more realisations are yet to happen. I also realise that not all of us can be on the same page when it comes to the myriad stuff that life is made up of and so we need to ‘agree to disagree’ at times to resolve conflicts and sustain relationships.

Annie Mathew is an educator and writer based in Dubai