In pursuit of confidence

Do you wonder what personal attributes your mother wished for you before you were born? And what would you ask for if a genie suddenly appeared and magically granted you a gift, against which all others pale?

I know what the ‘yet-to-be-born’- me, would whisper in my mother’s ear; I am also unequivocal about what I would ask my personal genie.

Hands down, the attribute of confidence would get my vote!

That is, in my opinion, the golden currency of success, the elixir of personal strength and courage, the cornerstone of optimism, the charismatic cloak that imbues the recipient with the bounty of self-fulfillment and happiness.

When we were children, my sister was the shyest creature one could imagine. Skinny and taciturn, she would, most often, be found with her nose deeply buried in a book or immersed listening to a favourite tune on the radio.

She preferred to keep to herself, rarely engaging or offering an opinion. Our mother was her strength and succour, and my sister would be happiest around her. The outside world was a hostile place in her perception, and so she preferred her own little haven.

Fast forward many years, and her personality is entirely different. Picture this: there she is on a dais, resplendently elegant, multilayered pearls embellishing a colourful sari; captivating an international audience as she eloquently and expertly talks about contemporary Indian art.

The transformation is extraordinary, especially to me, as I know her so well. When asked how she metaphorized herself, she admits candidly that though people don’t really change, maturity and learnt skills does make the effort less burdensome.

Moral of the story: the caterpillar can transform into a butterfly if one has the courage and perseverance to break out of the cocoon of habit and diffidence. Worldly success and shining talent, undoubtedly, fuel self- confidence. Success begets more success and resultantly, more confidence. Effort, grit and a growth mind set are the stepping stones to the golden grail of confidence.

Contrarily, there are those who seem blessed by the rosy glow of confidence, regardless of their personal circumstance. I know a gentleman who has chosen to live a bohemian life, often bending societal rules. Having veered away from the well trodden path of conventionality, he faces a battery of censure, disrespect and professional losses.

And yet, he exudes an air of supreme self-confidence and serenity. I watch enviously as nothing penetrates the bubble of personal joy that floats around him. He says, “I carry my weather with me!” And “I don’t allow others or circumstances to steal my power- It’s my life, and I will lead it my way.”

I am gobsmacked at the self-assurance!

Is this a gift bestowed by nature or by nurture? Is this something a few lucky souls inherit, wired into their DNA: a legacy of their sunny ancestors, a blessed gene pool or simply a quirk of fortune? Alternately, perhaps their primary caregivers lavished so much care on them as infants, that they laugh their way through life.

Many parenting workshops, wellness books, psychologists push the idea that if children are nurtured with enough love, care and attention, self-esteem and self-confidence will flower automatically. I agree that this certainly makes it easier.

Self-confidence and self-esteem are inextricably bound together, like Siamese twins. These golden attributes are the precursor of a successful life. Such persons are more likely to be living the life they desire and have meaning and purpose in life. They are at peace, having slayed the dragons of self-doubt.

They have the courage to take risks, are undaunted by failure and much more likely to stand up, even after a beating by life. The incense of peace, dignity and self- containment emanates from them, drawing people to them.

For lessor mortals like me, the doubters, the stomach churners, the gnawers of nails, the victims of palpitations; I have a formula: I use my insecurities as fuel to work harder, my passion for perfection to work the minutest detail and when I finally succeed, (effort gets rewarded), I use the success to strengthen my confidence.

This is my mantra. Am I always successful? No, but I try. In the meantime, I have my bag of little tricks. My job profile necessitates that I often need to address an audience. Even after years of practice and thousands of such speeches, when I address a large audience, I am all a tremble.

My patent technique is to insist on the school choir performing before my speech in the order of events. This calms my quivering nerves and it seems I am usually not found out! One day, I hope to make the cut of being one of the golden ones who carry their weather with them.

Rashmi Nandkeolyar is the Principal and Director of Delhi Private School Dubai and the author of several books for children.