After New Year celebrations and the ritualistic vows of self improvement otherwise called resolutions, the world can be divided into two types of people – the first are those who keep up their resolutions for that one day and the next are those who manage to keep it up until the end of the month. We will not be covering those diligent sort of humans who drag it for the rest of the year for the benefit of the majority who believe in the (unwritten) thumb rule that resolutions are meant to be broken.
The advantage of being in that first lot is that for the rest of the year they remember that sticking to your resolutions were fun while it lasted but this guide has been crafted for the second lot whose emotional graph peaks with enthusiasm on week one, simmers to irritation by mid month and becomes their old self by the month end.
The ‘new normal’ calls for an upgrade of resolutions and here is a guide on how to make (and break) some common ones.
Socially distance yourself from the refrigerator to flatten the curve: You could use a Post-it with your resolution written in red stuck by the refrigerator handle as a reminder or you could pretend to have not seen the reminder because you might want to look at the ‘bigger’ picture of appeasing your ‘h-anger’ while trying to pull through difficult times by ‘eating your feelings.’ Alternatively, you could place a full-length mirror beside the refrigerator that will reflect your ‘new self’ that will get you to reach for a stick of carrot instead; or you could pick up your not-the-carrot snack, look at the mirror and repeat the phrase – socially distancing from the refrigerator and flattening the curve (read bulge) are not in the stars. Better still, socially distance yourself from the mirror.
Cancel your membership with the Couch Club: You can attempt to get up from the couch, change from your pyjamas into outdoor wear and take a walk or you might want to insist that your washing machine refuses to accept anything other than pyjamas and urges you to stay home. Alternatively, you might want to consider breaking your resolution to socially distance yourself from the refrigerator so that you can scale the distance between the couch and the fridge at regular intervals in order to ensure that your membership at the Couch Club remains cancelled.
Stop staring at yourself during a Zoom call: Breaking this one is just a blink away. To keep up this resolution you could choose the ‘Hide Myself’ option and feel better by deciding to pay close attention to the flaws that are magnified onscreen of every other meeting attendee. Alternatively, you could use the ‘Touch Up My Appearance’ option coupled with filters that will leave your appearance so dramatic and unnatural that you might even forget that you are staring at yourself.
Read a book: You could decide to read that book – that had been bought on a whim, lived in your bookshelf and came upfront during a Zoom call - because you will need to give your review if a meeting attendee spotted it or you could simply Google the review. Alternatively, you might want to believe that reading the book is the same as watching a movie adaption of the same, but get distracted by the new series on the recommendations and end up renewing your membership with the Couch Club.
Wash your hands, keep the mask and the distance: You can choose to sing the happy birthday song or not, but wash your hands, mask up and socially distance. This is one resolution you cannot break, even after virus fatigue has peaked and an inoculation program is in progress, because by choosing to do this the life you may save may just be yours.
— Pranitha Menon is a freelance writer based in Dubai. Twitter: @MenonPranitha
