The title of this article is one of the most valuable life lessons by Professor Albus Dumbledore in the mega-hit fantasy series — Harry Potter (we can hear all the HP fans cheering, already).
The HP series is known for its groundbreaking effect in shaping several teenagers’ world views in their adolescent period until this date (knee-deep into adulthood), and for good reason!
Pertaining to the dialogue and with massive emphasis on the word ‘ask’ — Have you ever met someone who always provides help or advice to others, even when no one asked for it? As part of one of the most effective models in psychology, read on to know if you have ever met a ‘Rescuer’, a ‘Persecutor’ or a ‘Victim’.
An endless triangle
Stephen Karpman — an American psychiatrist devised a human interaction model where individuals who repeatedly displayed such behaviours (mentioned in the previous paragraph) were termed as ‘Rescuers.’ This model, known as ‘The Drama Triangle,’ is composed of two other categories — a Persecutor and a Victim (the three roles’ initials have been capitalised to depict their characteristics in this model and not as real-life victims, rescuers, or persecutors).
Examples of Rescuers are — relatives who live abroad and come back to their home country only to educate the residents into believing that there are better opportunities in a foreign land; a person who has just gotten out of a toxic relationship makes sweeping generalisation and offers relationship advice on how all women/men are useless, that everyone must remain single.
A Rescuer is anyone who operates from a level of superiority and views the other as ‘not OK’ (OK-ness in this context refers to a life position where all human beings are worthy of existence, respect, and possess the right to be valued — irrespective of demography, race, gender, caste, belief systems etc)
A Victim in this model is someone who constantly gets looped into scenarios where they automatically assume an inferior position, believing that they are ‘not OK’ and constantly seek help. Victims, by default, function from the perspective that they can never cope on their own and like magnets, tend to seek Rescuers.
Interestingly, Persecutors are people who assume superiority over both — the Rescuer and the Victim — they are known to bully or belittle those around them, assuming that everyone else other than Persecutors themselves, are ‘not OK.’
The Switch
Let’s take another example to demonstrate the Drama Triangle: Joe is in his late twenties and has been in numerous relationships, never truly happy. Initially, he tends to showcase an understanding, open-minded approach towards his partner (Moe) but after a few months into the relationship, he begins to ill-treat and take Moe for granted, without even realising it. Here, Joe is now the Persecutor.
Moe on the other hand, patiently abides by all the injustice, almost believing that she deserves this misery. Here, Moe is the Victim. Moe’s best friend (let’s call her Janet) observes Moe’s state in the relationship and says, “Moe, you should be spending more time doing house chores and serving your partner. That’s what I do in my relationship. Look at me, I am so happy!”
You guessed it right, in this example, Janet has assumed the role of a ‘Rescuer’ — offering unsolicited help that no one asked for, further disregarding Moe’s ability to think on her own and make her own decisions (these include mistakes, as well).
Fortunately, after a few more months of being pushed around by Joe, Moe finally decides, “This is it. I’m done being insulted in this relationship!’ She breaks up with Joe, leaving him dumbfounded — “Where did I even go wrong? I’ll never be happy, women always hurt me.”
If you notice, there has been a major switch. Joe is now the Victim and Moe is the Persecutor in Joe’s eyes. However, she celebrates the break-up, “Now he’ll know who the real boss is! How dare he hurt me, I’m better off without him.” Meanwhile, Janet (Moe’s best friend) is still stuck in an endless cycle of being the Rescuer — “Moe, I told you so. You have hurt Joe; you should have been a good partner and married him.”
We are all OK
The drama triangle can easily be observed in most workplaces, families, and other social circles. Anyone who operates from either of the three roles of the Drama Triangle is being inauthentic in their actions, unable to operate from a rational adult-ego-state (as mentioned in the Ego- States article published previously).
As humans, we automatically tend to offer help to those who we think are suffering. What looks like misery to one might only be a tiny hurdle in someone else’s personal journey of life. Sometimes, it may not even seem like a hurdle to them at all. In such cases, offering ways to ‘better’ their life is not only unnecessary, but it may also be disrespectful.
Circling back to the Harry Potter quote — helping others only when they ask for advice is a more dignified, practical, and peaceful way to deal with issues being faced by friends, family, and colleagues. That way, we assume and believe that each one of us can decide what’s best for ourselves and this in turn, leads to happier relationships. What do you think?
Currently at Hogwarts, Professor Albus Dumbledore might be raising a toast to this.
Hansika Korivi works in Corporate Communications in Dubai
