Distances makes the heart grow fonder

What is it about physical distances that brings out the best or worst in us? I am not very sure myself as I have often been a perpetrator and a victim to it. I am often guilty – there is no point in denying it now - of being sugary sweet from a distance yet appearing slightly aloof and distanced in closer proximity. I often wonder why this takes place.

During a recent travel away from home, my children and I shared the most envious and beautiful relationship. Our conversations began by enquiring about each other’s well-being and most WhatsApp messages culminated with the yellow-faced emojis smothered in pretty hearts. Often, the emoji that pouts her lips to blow a huge red kiss and the one that has hearts in place of eyes were generously exchanged. I felt pleased with myself that I had finally cracked the code to foster robust relationships with my teenagers and we (the kids and myself) were finally speaking the same lingo. As luck would have it, I had patted myself - on the back - a tad too early.

I returned home triumphantly to enjoy the blossoming bond from closer quarters. Alas, in a fraction of minutes, we were back to being our regular selves. Basic courtesy was thrown to the wind and our true vibrant colours (not the pretty ones of course, as they are strictly preserved for outsiders only) were shamelessly out on display once again. The entire long-distance romance that we had so painstakingly kindled and nurtured came smashing down to smithereens. Now, what are we doing wrong?

Well, the relationship with spouses don’t get any prettier. At work or when away from home, the messages exchanged are highly cordial, respectful, and even strangely polite. Not for long though. Come home and everything seems to go awry. Do we really need to take each other so much for granted that basic courtesy is often disregarded, and our beautiful self is exclusively showcased only for extended family and friends?

In the throes of an unpredictable pandemic, we ensconce ourselves in the safety and comfort of our homes and communicate regularly with others – many of whom we know quite well, some mere acquaintances, others complete strangers – largely via social media. From a distance we present our best selves and charm the world through our cheerful humour, gentle warmth, and overall pleasant, harmless chatter.

The virus has taught us well. It has taught us to convey words of endearing concern, graciously and generously. Two letter words, such as, take care, stay safe and stay well are the new sign offs. While the virus has grasped the world’s peace and made us overly anxious every time we step outdoors, it has at the same time emboldened us to unabashedly profess undying love, fondness, and care for each other. Unfortunately, the validity of such concern is often directly correlated to the distance maintained from the other person. Closer the proximity, lower is the depth of concern for the others’ wellbeing!

Within closed doors of the house, concerns for each other often wears a completely different garb. Simply shed the barriers of safe distancing and take a closer peek into family affairs. In between online lessons, school-going children are sometimes screaming their lungs out for attention, most of the time for additional food supply, spouses are struggling to find a quiet corner to host or participate in official meetings, while house helps are traumatized by the tall pile of dishes that must be washed to cook the next meal.

In such a chaotic home environment, one can hardly be expected to bother about taking care of each other’s needs and their well-being as well.

While Covid-19 has physically brought the immediate family closer to each other, it does present, at times, a strong sense of estrangement, detachment, and despair.

Does familiarity of the familiar really breed so much contempt? In that case, we must confine ourselves to a room, and socially distance from the family in a bid to bring in a certain level of cordiality in our relationships. I am sure it will be worth a shot.

Seema Nambiar is a freelance writer