My father worked for the Railways, an infinitely transferable job; as such, the only permanent home we had was our boarding school. In fact, when strangers ask me where I am from, I often quip that I am from boarding school! After all, which part of India could I identify with, having lived in multiple states?
School was not merely the learning ground for our 3 ‘Rs’ (reading, writing and arithmetic), it was the place where we donned, bit by bit, layer upon layer, our identity. Our habits, intellectual and cultural leanings were nurtured as we grew up, far away from home, imbibing the specific ethos that is the hallmark of a heritage boarding school.
It was the school’s ramrod routines of discipline which have made me a stickler for punctuality: I recently drove around aimlessly for ten minutes and still arrived a few minutes early for a dinner invitation, much to the consternation of my host, whose ‘eight o’clock’ really meant ‘closer to nine’. This habit, however, has stood me in good stead in my professional life.
More by Rashmi Nandkeolyar
My childhood was baptised by fire: we were awoken at dawn by a clanging bell; the lights went out exactly at 9pm. We never slouched, we stood in straight queues, we always said a prayer before meals, we never stretched across the table for a second helping, we never, ever…. and we always…. the list is endless!
Needless to say, this was a far cry from a pampered or personalised upbringing and I was convinced that my children would be better off with my indulgent care. Boarding school was not going to be their lot. And so it came to pass.
Off late, I have been rethinking my position. It seems that the vicissitudes of a tough upbringing do pay dividends in the long run. When we, (with stern backbones), are struck down, we gasp, but then stand up and fight again; the gentled progeny have a tougher time! So used to are children being rescued by their parents that even as adults they find it difficult to develop forbearance and grit.
A few years ago, I heard Angela Duckworth, an American academic and psychologist, present her views on resilience. Her unequivocal stance was that the grit muscle must be honed in childhood. In her family they had a rule: every year, all members had to start a challenging project or learn a new skill — they called it, “the hard thing’. The caveat was that they had to stick to it for at least a year. No amount of crying would get mommy to come to the rescue!
‘Diehard’ mentality
I notice that when persons with a ‘diehard’ mentality are backed into a corner, they think of solutions, using creativity and reserves of strength to eventually succeed. I am reminded of the ace swimmer who is able to dig deep in the last lap and use an untapped and unknown reservoir of will power to furiously move ahead of a strong opponent; or the determined little woodpecker who continues to peck away at an obdurate tree trunk, till the mighty bark gives way. Strength of character and perseverance are undeniably linked to success and thereafter to self-worth.
I know many young people who are being treated by psychiatrists and councillors to retain their sense of self-worth, often supplemented with medication. Mental health is an important issue and must be supported by scientific research — I fully endorse that.
However, I wonder if a stricter upbringing may well teach a person the stellar life skill of self-regulation, anger management, the ability to think laterally and find an alternative solution. Such skills, if acquired early, would certainly give a person a better shot at success, later on in life.
My philosophical code
In a boarding school, individual vagaries are whittled away very quickly and one just has to play for the team and with the team. Managing oneself in sickness and in health is the call of the day. Ultimately, one learns how to survive and develop a few survival mantras for life. For example, my philosophical code for bearing adversity is the understanding that this too shall pass. Another mantra is that you must always be your own best friend!
My mother, a strict vegetarian, asked us to eat everything we were served. My first memory of boarding school, aged nine, is that I was so afraid to look up, (for at least two months), that my only impression of school was the grey stone floor. But soon I learnt how to wash socks in the washbasin and the skill of rolling up a ‘roti’ and forking the vegetable, to eat as was customary in school!
These skills, seemingly unimportant, were prerequisite in the lessons of adaptability and agility in response to challenges. Such learning forms the bedrock for future success.
I learnt to drive when I was forty, to cook even later and to type recently!
When we learn to bash on despite hurdles in childhood, we became adroit at facing the curved ball that life will sometimes throw at us, because in childhood we have learnt the requisite skills. We become hardy and perseverant and therefore often succeed when the faint give up.
Boarding school or a nurturing home, my vote goes to an upbringing scaffolded by sensible boundaries, rules and regulations — the cornerstone of resilience and perseverance. Add a healthy dollop of self-worth to this heady cocktail and one is primed for success. The force is with the one who battles on, strong and steady, shifting gears with self-assurance and picking oneself up, even when struck down.
Rashmi Nandkeolyar is the Principal and Director of Delhi Private School, Dubai. She has authored several books for children.
