Take a compliment graciously

When appreciation is what a woman secretly wants, she should learn to accept it for what it is.

My girlfriend and I had been out walking our dogs. We stopped, bedraggled from the rain, at a café for breakfast.

I removed my anorak, shook my damp hair and ordered toast and a cappuccino. A man walked by our table and turned around to have another look. On his way back from paying his bill, he stopped and made some innocuous comment about our dogs. Then he left.

Five minutes later, he was back, marching confidently over to us. "Are you single?" he asked me. "And if you are, could I have your phone number?"

Twenty years ago, I might have slapped him. But newly single, 56 years old, convinced no one would ever fancy me again, I had an urge to hug him.

I chose to take his audacity as a compliment. "Actually," said my friend, "he wasn't bad to look at." The grin on my face remained all day.

New research shows that just smiling at a woman boosts her self-esteem while a recent survey says eight out of ten women love it when a man pays them a compliment, even if he is a stranger. And up to half say they are secretly pleased if they get wolf whistles from builders.

It's the word "secretly" that's interesting. While women long for compliments, what this survey also reveals is that three out of four men wouldn't consider complimenting a stranger or a colleague for fear of being thought a pervert or being seen as "coming on" inappropriately.

In other words, women are missing out on being appreciated and men are missing out on being able to voice their appreciation.

I know sexism can be destructive, that crude comments about a woman's appearance can undermine her confidence at work.

It's one of the reasons scary-looking shoulder pads and sexless, sober suits became the workplace uniform of the Eighties' career woman.

But nowadays, girls go to work in short dresses, low- cut tops and skyscraper heels. Why? Because they want to get noticed. These women feel that feminism has advanced for them to display their femininity without paying the consequences.

Meanwhile, men live in terror of having their heads bitten off for articulating what they are being deliberately provoked into thinking.

The sexes, it seems, are living in a morass of misunderstanding.

The problem is that rather than taking a compliment for what it is, women immediately assume that beneath the remark lies an ulterior motive. When it comes to compliments, I have decided, women are the suspicious sex.

Tell one her outfit is great and she will riposte: "What, this old thing?" Tell her she looks well and she will respond: "You mean I look fat?" Exclaim that you love her new haircut and she will accuse you of hating the old one. No wonder men sometimes feel it's better to not say anything at all.

I also used to find it difficult to take compliments, deflecting them with a self-deprecating remark.

But I have taught myself to be more accepting and the result, interestingly, is that I get rather more compliments than I did before.

For me, though, as I grow older, the best compliments are not just to do with how I look.

A comment from the man I had gone to the theatre with - "You've helped me see that play in a whole new light" - made me glow for the rest of the evening.

By all means, savour your compliments surreptitiously but be aware that it's a guaranteed way to stop them flowing your way altogether.