How to make lifelong friendships last: Overcoming the fear of 'fragile forever'

As a child, I don’t remember the exact number of times that I promised different people ‘friends forever’. I believed it earnestly: I was struck by the idea of ‘lifelong’ friendships, the ones you see on television and films. You go to school and college together, watch them get married, and grow old side by side.

But the words ‘forever’ and ‘lifelong’ as poetic as it sounds, can be rather elusive. In university, a friend promised that I would be bridesmaid at her eventual wedding, whenever it happens. And now, we haven’t been in touch for four years.

It stings to realise that many of the ‘forevers’ we promised only lasted months or years. And what’s even more perplexing is that they might remain in your life, just not in the way you once imagined. They’re there, yet somehow… not really there.

So, how do you find these seemingly magical, mythical lifelong friendships? Is it possible to keep cherishing and nurturing it like a plant, or is it like a cat that can escape your home if the door is left open for too long?

Understanding lifelong friendships

What’s the first thought when we make a friend? Is it more on the lines of, ‘Hey, hello there kindred spirit’, or do you immediately imagine them in your last days?

Dubai-based psychologist Amy Silver reflects on the nature of lifelong friendships. “It’s difficult to define what eternal friendships truly mean because they depend entirely on the individuals, their life circumstances, and whether they grow together or eventually drift apart. When people meet, they don’t consciously decide, ‘Oh, this person will stay with me for life.’ Friendships are built, nurtured, and sustained by two people who, at the very least, share the same moral foundation, if not the same interests. If a friendship weathers storms, endures fire, and remains strong despite it all, then perhaps it holds the rare potential to last a lifetime.”

Recalling her own experience, she remembers a friend that she grew up with. “We had known each other since we were four. We did everything together, from being flatmates, to neighbours. We had fights, like all friends do, and we couldn’t see eye-to-eye on many subjects. And by our mid-thirties, it became impossible to reconcile our differences, and so we drifted apart. She’s still around; we talk on birthdays and anniversaries. But the concept of lifelong changed entirely,” says Silver.

So, if you’re looking for some blueprint for a ‘friends forever’ situation, you might hit a deadlock. What you can do is perhaps, focus on the now, as Silver says.

Till the last days: A different understanding of lifelong

It’s always beautiful to watch people growing up together from childhood till their old age. But again, when we say lifelong, it doesn’t have just be from childhood till their last days. “I think, people can define their own meaning of lifelong,” explains Livia Theresa, an Abu Dhabi-based sales professional.

For Theresa, who is now in her mid-fifties, she considers her friendships from her thirties as lifelong. “For me, that’s what lifelong feels like. My life started again at that time after a series of tragedies and horrors, so I’m grateful for the friends that I made back then. The earlier associations ebbed away, and that’s okay: Our understanding of friends also tend to keep evolving. It’s about who you can keep up with. Sometimes, people just reach the periphery of your life, owing to situations and circumstances that might or might not be in your control.”

If you really want to keep your friends around for a very long time, then just keep being there, physically and mentally, and make sure you get it back. “I wish there was a textbook, but the ideas are just, honesty, spending time, keeping in touch and hearing what they don’t say, and receiving the same in return,” she says. “But, you need to keep in mind that life does happen and it sometimes can hit hard. One day, you’re working side by side; the next, a job change or a move pulls you apart. In the end, it’s about how both of you choose to hold on to what you had.”

Moving past grudges and anger

But, as Silver warns, life is deeply unpredictable. “Our moods, current temperament tend to play spoilsport too, hindering the chances of a lifelong friendships. And sometimes, we tend to hold on to grudges, resentment, too, when a rupture in the bond occurs. Finally, it comes down to how much we can let go, or just work towards,” she says.

Aashi Trehan, a Dubai-based homemaker recalls a particular ‘forever’ that got fractured and took a while to be repaired. “I had lost my mother, so I shut down from everyone, including my closest friend, who had been by my side for 15 years. When I came out of that grief, finally, she was going through her own difficulties. She couldn’t communicate with me anymore, as the silence had gone on too long. So, I was on the outside, just like she had been.”

Yet, she didn’t want to lose her friend at all. “It hurt that we were both going through something, where the other couldn’t help…and I wanted to heal that, at least a little. And so, I just kept being around, and her ability to open up to me slowly restored. It took a long time, though.|

As Silver summarises, maybe the key to maintaining a lifelong relationship is just both of you knowing that you want to save this at all costs, no matter what it takes. “In all that noise of grief, anger and hurt, combined with overwhelming changes in life, just the knowledge that you want to keep someone around for good, can sometimes just be…good enough,” she says.