Push and pull

The confetti has been shovelled into trash bags, the remaining bits and slices from the wedding cake are being refused by all and sundry, the last guest has forgotten his toothbrush in the guest bathroom and the house looks, well, abandoned ... You stand in front of a stack of suitcases, some opened, others finally locked, mulling over life-changing decisions like should you leave behind that blue dress and the pink Hawaiian shirt or throw them in?

I mean, you never know ... After all, it's honeymoon time, the kind of time when you think every new dress / shirt / jewellery / accessory you or your spouse bought in an exhilarating fit of pre-wedding joyous jitters will be accorded an occasion to be worn.

On such momentous decisions does the pre-flight check depend. Especially as you pack for your honeymoon. It's the kind of pink-washed time in your life when everything looks rosy and dawn-blushed. You and your wife – the woman you are convinced is your perfect life partner or you and your husband – the man you are convinced is your perfect life partner – have recently embarked on a journey into the dreamy, wonderful world of marriage.

Life is coming up roses, everything looks peachy, the sun pours down like warm honey, the moon looks like a fat mint drop or a shaving of Roquefort (depends you know on the timing of the honeymoon), but what it all adds up to is, everything seems delicious.

That's how honeymoons feel. To be more precise, this is how a newly-married person feels just before setting off on a honeymoon.

But just how real is this state of mind? Is a honeymoon really the best time for a newly-married couple to get to know each other? Or does a marriage start when a honeymoon ends?
Hmmm, let's see ...

Why go on a honeymoon?

The idea of going on a honeymoon is so the couple can relax and get to know each other in a calm and serene ambience before they get down to the nitty-gritty of married life, says Sailaja Menon.

“It is sad that these days few people think of a honeymoon without associating it with purely physical connotations,'' says Menon, a clinical psychologist who practises at Emirates Diagnostic Centre and Dubai Community Health Centre, Dubai.

“A honeymoon is much more than that,'' she says. According to Menon, planning a wedding can be one of the most stressful events in a person's life. So, despite the exhilaration and happiness, there is also an undercurrent of anxiety. To counter that, many people imagine that a honeymoon will automatically banish all the stress. But it is not as simple as that. One thumb rule Menon has for making the most of your honeymoon: treat it as more than just a getaway wedding treat or a mere vacation.

“You are starting life as husband and wife and this is your time to bond, set out in a new direction, and nurture the romance.''

What can go wrong?

Well, just about anything. From forgetting to pack a favourite pair of swimming trunks to not finding the egg perfectly poached. For example, says Menon, trouble can start brewing if the husband forgets to include his bride-to-be while deciding on the choice of a honeymoon destination.

“In most cases, it is the man who decides the honeymoon destination keeping in mind his finances and how many days he can stay away from his office,'' she says. “Rarely does he consult his wife to find out whether, for instance, she loves beaches as much as he does.

“Now, if the woman chooses to be submissive and does not speak her mind for fear that she may displease her husband, she is inviting trouble. Marriage is not about give and take. Nor is it about take and take. Marriage is all about give and give.''

When 'I' becomes 'We'

Marriage always marks an identity change. ‘I' becomes ‘We', ‘Us' and ‘Ours''. “It is healthy if the couple begins to think and behave in terms of 'we' and ‘us' and talk about things as ‘ours' rather than ‘mine' and ‘yours','' suggests Menon.

“The first six months of the marriage are especially tough for the spouses and they need to keep reminding themselves, ‘we' are no more individuals,'' she says. It is important to acknowledge that marriage requires a significant mind shift
for both people. For instance, they should avoid making plans which could affect the other without considering their partner, she says.

Expectation: The real culprit

Cracks in some marriages begin to become visible as early as during the honeymoon period. One main reason for this is the high levels of expectations both spouses have of each other. When he or she fails to rise to the expected levels, dejection sets in.

Menon cites a case of a marriage that broke up after 12 years. She initiated several counselling sessions to help the couple patch up their differences but they did not help. However, what surprised her during the counselling sessions was that the husband and wife began raising issues which dated back to their honeymoon days!

Apparently some kind of mental log sheet was being created very early in the marriage!

The problem, says Menon, was that the husband expected his newly-wed to take charge of everything immediately after marriage. He expected her to know about their flight schedules, what to pack when they went on outings ... Essentially, he took her for granted.

“Problems arose not only because of his unrealistic expectations but also due to a lack of communication during the honeymoon period,'' she says. “I feel the wife should have taken the initiative and spoken her mind.''

The New Age mantra: Delay your honeymoon

The best way to enjoy your honeymoon is to put it off for a while. Sounds silly? But think about it. Rushing off expecting perfection to envelop you even before you have bounced back from the stress of hectic marriage preparations is in itself a stressful goal to set. Instead, sitting down at leisure and planning for a destination that both will enjoy will ensure that the newly-weds enjoy the trip from start to finish.

Another option would be to take a two- or three-day trip just to escape and destress after the wedding. This way, the couple get to save money for the big trip later on.

A factor that cannot be ignored is the money issue. If you have spent a fortune on your wedding, you will not like to spend a lot on your honeymoon. A gap of a few months will help you save sufficiently to plan for a lovely, stress-free honeymoon.

There is another advantage to waiting a while. If planned well, you could take a longer-than-planned for honeymoon.

Post-Nuptial Depression (PND)

PND is fast becoming a growing syndrome among newlywed brides. What does it mean? In simple terms, it's the depression some brides who have perhaps been raised on typical Mills-and-Boon books experience when they realise that married life is not really as is detailed in such stories with fairytale endings. This syndrome, warns Menon, can put the entire marriage at risk.

“Once again, I would like to blame it on the expectations that the society thrusts on the couple,'' she says.

Post-wedding depression may also stem from the belief that marriage will somehow elevate the participants to a higher, happier state of existence. If for any reason this does not happen, the spouses may experience vague discontent to full-scale depression. PND, Menon says, can last for a couple of months.

Why opposites attract no more!

Differences between spouses, say experts, is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. It can become a problem only when one of the spouses insists that his/her way is right.

Since the initial days spent on a honeymoon leave the couple with a lot of idle time, it would be helpful for them to spend at least a small portion of their time thinking about which differences they can let go of, accept, and live with; and which differences are worth labelling meaningful, holding on to and compromising on.

The secret of a happy marriage

Believe in your partner. “Being married is all about having a sense of belonging as also having a deep sense of regard for each other. More than anything else, it is also about having a feeling of security,'' adds Menon. “At the same time, there has to be a sense of freedom in the relationship.''

One person who believes in this is Capt Ashutosh Shukla. “The moment I wed Ruchi, I told her that she would be boss at home,'' he says. “I am proud of her because in the 18 years of our marriage, I have never regretted the decision,'' says this Dubai-based Indian expatriate.

Menon admires Shukla's gesture and cites this as the main reason why Ruchi has gone a step ahead and not let her husband down.

Patience pays

“Marriage is also about being patient and about having a deep sense of understanding for each other,'' adds Menon. “It takes time and care to make the relationship really beautiful. That means learning to be very patient.''

Beyond the day-to-day quirks and stressors, you must learn to accept the fact that patience is the key to building a solid marriage.

It may often take years for spouses to develop that perfect relationship which is satisfying to both. The problem with many modern-day marriages is that the couples have no time to wait for the relationship to strengthen.

Commitment

This is a word that is almost synonymous with marriage. Some wrongly associate the word with being ‘trapped' in a relationship. They believe that marriage equals giving up their freedom or choices, but it is not so. Commitment might mean putting your spouse's needs above your own.

Talk, talk talk

There is a saying “Communication is to love as blood is to the body.'' So crucial is communication for the sustenance of a relationship.

Menon swears by it: “Talk, talk, talk. It is communication that will take you everywhere.'' And the kind of communication she is talking about is not just about exchanging information. Let the honeymoon period be about sharing feelings, the smallest of joys, pain, tender moments ...

Interestingly, communication is often hard work, particularly if both spouses are career persons. In such cases, especially during the honeymoon, both of them should set aside a certain portion of their time for meaningful conversations.

"Take walks and occasionally go out for dinners as they are conversation inducers. It will keep love alive,'' says the marriage counsellor.

Post honeymoon pointers

Develop and maintain space
Marriages need a semi-permeable boundary – a boundary that allows their family and friends to connect with, love, influence and be close to them. But they should also need to draw clear-cut lines as to how much influence others should exercise on their relationship and issues which concern them.

Quality versus quantity
“In this busy life, both husband and wife should find some quality time with each other,'' says Menon. This
is crucial to laying the foundation of a strong and healthy relationship.

The art of negotiation
Even if couples have known each other before marriage, there is significant re-negotiation that needs to happen after the wedding. Some areas that commonly need to be negotiated are: time together and time apart, money and housework.

It is important to look for common ground. Figure out (together) all those aspects of an issue which you both agree upon. Once this is done, the areas of differences need to be negotiated (or accepted). Remember to attack the problem, not the person.

Menon's honeymoon rules

“Expect the unexpected to happen during your honeymoon,'' sums up Menon. “If you go with this attitude, every single day will be beautiful. This way, the purpose of the honeymoon will also be met. Learn to talk and share because communicating with each other is going to take you everywhere.''